Denver Audition Recap- Unlike Idol, This Blog Will Save You From Corporate Hell

I had little to no hope for the Denver audition episode. First, Victoria Beckham came back to blend into the wallpaper. Then Ryan Seacrest reminded me that Daughtry tried out in Denver, but has gone on to have twenty #1 hits. Wait, what the fuck? How is that even possible? I just checked Wikipedia and the guy has 2 albums with 12 songs each. So all but 4 of the songs he’s ever released are #1 hits? Does this show even remotely care about telling the truth anymore? Denver did produce some good VFTW potential, and the auditions are almost over (finally), so I can’t be too hard on the show.

Who am I kidding? Time to tear Idol a new one, Denver style.

Mark Labriola is delusional, odd, and homely looking. That alone has me cheering for him to make it to Hollywood. Mark says people mistake him for Jack Black at least once a day. Yeah, not seeing it. Jack Black looks like a model next to this guy. Then Mark tells what is possibly the most complicated Idol backstory ever. It seems Mark’s mom kidnapped him at age 4 and he lived in tents for 6 years, then his dad found him and they moved to Denver. Mom moved to Maui but now lives in North Carolina. The story seems completely made up and highly uninteresting, which makes me love Mark more. When he sings “Tempted”, I am actually surprised he’s not one of the bad people, but I still see a lot of VFTW potential in him. Hopefully his fugitive, tent-loving mom leaves her vacation in Budapest to get back to her trailer in Tampa with enough time to fly to her house in Detroit to watch Mark on television during Hollywood week.

Mario Galvan likes to laugh and Simon likes to mock it. Currently Mario is a nicotine addictions counselor, so this immediately rubs Simon the wrong way. Nothing comes between Simon and his 20 packs of Kools a day. Mario says he almost got a role in a Broadway revue two years ago, but it didn’t work. Simon insults Mario and tells him it’s a no. Mario really could’ve put his counseling to good use here. Even though Paula and her various addictions are gone, Simon’s cigarette addictions, Randy’s food addictions, Kara’s stupidity addiction, and Victoria’s anorexia could’ve kept him employed for months. He missed his true calling.

Kimberly Kerbow is another single mother who attempts to use her kid to get on the show. Her annoying kid messes up some canned line, and Kimberly messes up by singing a line about buying Rogaine for Simon. This is bad for two reasons. Number one, Kimberly seems to be wearing a bad wig, so she shouldn’t be giving out hair advice. And number two, Simon’s ego bruises easier than a bag full of rotten peaches. Simon gets very insulted and says he doesn’t need Rogaine yet. Can we bring Mario back, Simon’s getting a little grouchy again in his old age. Simon also asks Kimberly why she’s a single mom and insinuates that she tortures her ex. Kimberly goes to Hollywood, and hopefully she harnesses her accidental insults toward Kara for maximum hilarity.

Danielle Hayes is yet another single mom who hosts karaoke and sings in a cover band. That’s it. We’ve found the next American Idol. This show is just a glorified karaoke covers contest for desperate people, so Danielle has the leg up on everyone with plenty of practice in the karaoke realm and the desperate realm. The girl starts crying immediately once she’s in front of the judges because it’s been so hard for her to try to make it in music and support her son. Oh, shut it and go get a real career like everyone else. After singing “I’m the Only One” with a sort of cool, sort of painful raspy voice, Simon tells Danielle that she seems almost broken and he’s glad that they may be able to save her from corporate hell. That’s even more ironic than Danielle’s day job. Danielle goes to Hollywood and hopefully she will be saved from corporate hell when she participates in the Pop Tarts and Ford Present American Idols Live Tour Also Sponsored by Coke.

I can already tell you Casey James is going to Hollywood before I see him. He’s another ugly, dirty looking greaseball, and this show loves them. Casey also comes complete with a sob story about how he got into a motorcycle accident at 21, fractured his femur, and broke bones in his arms and wrist. Doctors said he’d never play guitar again. Instead of taking that as a pretty good sign that he doesn’t belong in music, Casey auditions for American Idol. Casey sings John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” in such a boring tone, I almost fall asleep. But I’m jolted awake by the grease dripping through my television and frying the circuits. I should sue Fox for a new TV. Then again, maybe I should take that as a pretty good sign that I don’t need to watch this show anymore. Simon hates Casey’s audition, but Kara loves it because she thinks Casey is attractive. Soon, Victoria and Kara have convinced Casey to put his hair down and take off his shirt. This show has such low standards when it comes to attractive people. First Bikini Girl, now this. Isn’t anyone who’s actually good looking ever going to try out? Or are we stuck with the likes of Adam “Spackle Makeup Over the Craters On My Face” Lambert clones for eternity? Simon predicts that Casey will be embarrassed by his audition, but the judges put him through to Hollywood anyway.

Tori Kelly, who looks much older than the 16 years she says she’s lived, brings a little girl named Hope into her audition. I think it’s her sister, but honestly, I was so disgusted by watching Kara’s vagina puddle over Casey that I was only half paying attention so I could protect my eyes. Hope gives the judges all caricatures of themselves. So even a little girl can see that the judges are merely caricatures of actual people. Smart girl. Tori sings John Mayer’s “Gravity” and she’s really overdoing it with the cheese. Simon calls Tori’s voice annoying and calls her a human orange. Simon is actually right on the money for the last two. Maybe Mario finally helped him out. Victoria says that she loves the way Tori looks, speaking as another creepy looking orange person who looks much older than she is. The peanut gallery says yes, and Simon calls them mad. Hey, at least it’s yet another VFTW possibility for Hollywood.

Austin Paul is a singer and a football player. He says that getting to Hollywood on American Idol is the #42 thing he wants to do before he dies. He sings John Mayer’s “Bigger Than My Body”, and I have to wonder if the show is trying to set up a John Mayer theme night or something. What’s with the ridiculous amount of this guy’s songs on the show? I’d be all for that theme night if John would guest judge, because he’s basically a sarcastic jackass that would find every opportunity to mock the show and its contestants while judging. So I’m all for it. Austin, however, isn’t helping the cause by grabbing himself while singing. Kara doesn’t like Austin because he came across as cocky and grabbed his pecs. Really? Did Kara’s vagina dry up too much after Casey, because usually she’d be moaning on the ground by now. Victoria calls him arrogant and the judges all pass. Austin takes the news better than I’d expect him to, and Kara finally wakes up and humps him in the bathroom.

Kenny Everett introduces himself as the world’s best singer. He considers himself the male Mary J. Blige and says that his singing is a public service to others. It truly is a public service to VFTW to hear Kenny sing “Be Without You” because it’s so terrible. Kara says that she saw some gutsy and some ballsy, so he might want to cover up a bit. The last guy to try that was kicked out. Kenny is flabbergasted when the judges reject him and he continues to scream words like, “No No No” and “Go go go” over and over. Awesome. After leaving, Kenny says, “How can 4 people tell you you can’t sing when you know you’re a good singer? Something has to be up with that.” I believe in you, Kenny.

Nicci Nix travelled from Florence, Italy, where she’s currently living, to audition. So how exactly is she eligible for American Idol? Either way, I love this girl so I don’t care. She has a high, squeaky voice and a cartoonish look about her. She sings “Something Kind of Ooh” and actually has a pretty marketable voice. Simon comments that Nicci’s singing voice is much deeper than her talking voice. Victoria says that Nicci has beautiful skin and then injects herself with a few more rounds of Botox so she can looks extra surprised at whatever the verdict is. Randy gives her a million percent yes, so that’s his way of saying he thought it was okay but she can improve later by picking more difficult songs and working on her lower register with a coach. Nicci’s off to Hollywood.

The second to last audition of the day is Haeley Vaughn. Haeley gets the last spot, because she has more sob stories than everyone else, so she earns it that way. She was born 2 months premature and calls herself a miracle baby. Listen here, I was born two months premature too. Big fucking deal. Next. Also, her dad passed away when she was 10. Just like 90% of the other Idol contestants. Not original. Next. Then she says it’s hard because she wants to be the first black pop-country singer. Well, actually, that’s something different, so let’s see what happens. She sings Carrie Underwood’s “Last Name” and it’s very shaky with a lisp thrown in. So now I’m loving this girl because she’ll be pimped and is likely going to be a VFTW pick at some point. Her voice just isn’t going to hold up. Kara states the obvious when she says, “There are not many black-pop country singers.” No shit. There also aren’t any talented songwriters on the Idol judging panel. Oh snap, I can state the obvious too. Randy gives Haeley a hundred million percent yes, which translates to the fact that he liked her style and wants to see a black country singer succeed, but that she should work on honing in the natural vibrato of her voice while also accentuating her midrange’s natural tones. That Randy, he really knows his stuff.

Last, and least, is Bikini Guy Ty Hemmerling. This is so obviously staged, it’s not even worth mentioning. Good Lord, this show knows how to kill a mood so quickly.

Tomorrow is the last audition episode. I am throwing a party. I can’t take these idiots anymore. I’m ready for some Hollywood drama. Who’s with me?