‘Road to Hollywood’ Episode Recap – The Victoria Beckham Blooper Reel

The last audition episode was a compilation of the auditions that Idol hasn’t shown yet. So instead of cutting “Pants on the Ground” and the singing football player out of the episodes to fit these people in, Idol created another episode. Just what I needed. Honestly, I am so over these auditions. Idol promises me that they’ve saved the best for last. If that’s the case, this is going to be one long ass season. Tonight, Victoria Beckham was actually more interesting than half of the contestants. And when that happens, it’s time to cancel the show. Seriously.

Jessica Furney is back from last season. Back then, I said she was talented and too nice for Idol. This year, she sells out and sucks up to Simon by singing some dreck he wrote called “Footprints in the Sand.” Seriously. Jessica, don’t do this to yourself.

Amanda Shectman likes to do impressions, like her Britney Spears impression. Honey, it’s not that funny, and Kady Malloy did it better a few seasons ago. When Amanda sings, Victoria Beckham tells her to work on her expression. Let me reiterate. Victoria “Botox” Beckham wants Amanda to work on her expression. What does this woman know about expression? She seems to have two: surprised and extra surprised. Anyway, Simon calls her an actress, so Amanda starts pleading to get on the show. Victoria is okay with this and says, “It’s good to be dramatic. I’m dramatic.” Again, Victoria. What alternate universe are you observing yourself in? You’re a piece of plywood with 2 giant balloons glued on. Dramatic is not the word to describe that. Stiff. Vacant. Robotic. Those words describe you. Amanda makes it to Hollywood, and Victoria goes back to her attempt at blending into her chair.

Lee DeWyze and Crystal  Bowersox have obligatory “I like to play my guitar” footage shown and then disappear again. So we can count them out for the win. Then Alex Lambert and half of the auditioners do the stupid thing where they get a golden ticket and pretend like they didn’t. This is painful.

Lacey Brown tried out during season 8, but now she’s back. Kara calls her one of her favorites. I call her boring cannon fodder. Next.

Stephanie Fisher is excited to audition for the 7th time because 7 is her lucky number. She was born weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces. Coincidentally, this is the current weight of Victoria Beckham. Stephanie calls Victoria her “idol” and “the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.” She also says Simon is attractive. Oh, I get it. Stephanie is this season’s token blind contestant. That explains her day-glo orange skin. Even Victoria doesn’t want to be caught dead in Stephanie’s outfit. But Stephanie leaves after singing poorly without much drama.

Adrian Chandtchi is a 17 year old guy who is gigantic. Then again, he’s standing next to Ryan Seacrest, so a chihuahua would look gigantic in that situation. Adrian’s nickname is Blondzilla. I think he should start a band with Jorbacca. They could tour from town to town and put all you can eat buffets out of business everywhere they go. Adrian sings “Can’t Help Falling in Love” in a high pitched, squeaky voice and seems genuinely shocked that he’s rejected. He keeps saying, “You have my number. If you want to do recall backs, just call me.” Ah, poor kid. He was serious. Well, he’s a total VFTW package, so he’s welcome at our site anytime.

Michael Lynche is a personal trainer who calls himself “Big Mike.” He’s about to have his first kid too, so he throws in a sob story just for good measure. He sings “Unchained Melody” with too much melisma, but it’s nothing compared to Todrick Hall’s annoying voice, so I’ll let it pass. So far, Michael hasn’t done anything that great, but I sense some true VFTW potential in him and I can sense a good sense of humor. Hopefully I’m right and this guy provides us with some entertainment at some point.

Didi Benami, on the other hand, has me wanting to throw things at the television. Her entire story is about how her best friend Rebecca died 4 years ago, so she’s doing this in her memory. I bet Didi uses Rebecca’s death as an excuse for everything. “I don’t have enough money for my Big Mac value meal at McDonalds. Can’t I get a discount? My friend died!” Yes, I’m being crass, but I am tired of people using friends and family members dying to try to get a recording contract. Did sings “Hey Jude” and immediately starts crying afterwards. I am laughing because the camera is shooting her from her chest up, and her dress is low and strapless, so she basically looks naked. The camera never actually pans back, so it looks like the judges are judging a naked, crying girl. Now that’s good TV. Didi predictably gets to Hollywood (and the top 24), where she’ll make Danny Gokey look like he had no idea his wife died. I already can’t stand her and hope she finds a way to disqualify herself.

Aaron Kelly’s biological parents couldn’t support him or keep a job. So instead of going to foster care like Little Orphan Trannie, Aaron’s aunt and uncle adopted him. So he calls his aunt his mom. Luckily, none of the kids at school found this weird, because he lives in the south where many of them know their aunt and mom as the same person. He decides to sing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus and immediately starts proving why he’d be a great VFTW pick. It’s terrible and he keeps his eyes closed the entire time. Simon thinks moms will love Aaron. There’s a not so subtle callout to the frauen to vote for this  guy. Randy of course has to mention that Aaron is OMG 16 before the judges send him to Hollywood. Aaron then says, “I might even be a role model some day to kids everywhere.” Really? For what? Singing a Miley Cyrus song better than she can? Even I can do that. Even Milli Vanilli can do that.

Kimberly Bishop says that she has what it takes to be the next American Idol pop singer because she’s into recycling and helping kids from Africa. See, Idol. This is exactly what your show produces. This girl thinks she can be a good singer by helping poor people. Way to go. Kimberly sings “I Kissed a Girl” and continues to pull her dress higher until her crotch is exposed. Kara is jealous that people aren’t looking at her crotch, so she says, “A seductive girl. I think you’re naughty.” When Kimberly leaves though, Kara calls her so weird. Kara finally gets a chance to look in the mirror at how people really see an annoying slut that says stupid things for attention. Yet Kara doesn’t get that Kimberly is basically a 40 years younger version of herself, so she continues to act like a moron.

Shaddaii Harris’s mom says that the Lord gave her a vision that her daughter was meant to sing. Apparently God likes to play tricks on the Harris family, and Shaddaii murders the overdone Alicia Keys song “Fallin”. God points and laughs while saying, “Gotcha!” Even He has a sense of humor. This is evident by the fact that Kara DioGuardi has a career.

The last person of the day is Hope Johnson. She overcame poverty, but she never realized she was poor because she thought a lot of kids didn’t eat dinner.  She would sneak her lunch home and feed it to her brother. Hope sings “I Hope You Dance” (rimshot). Randy actually gives decent advice and says that Hope needs to work on completing her phrases. No, that’s not one of my bazillion percent yes jokes. He actually gave good advice. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, right? Hope calls her ticket to Hollywood “ridiculous” and Randy says that “season 9 is already pretty ridiculous.” You’re telling me. I also must say that Hope’s snaggletooth is awesome. Even though she’s way over the top, she seemed nice enough that I didn’t have much to mock her for.

And that, my friends, will do it for the auditions. Thankfully, it’s now time for Hollywood, where the drama will hopefully create some great VFTW stories for us. Whoever starts the most fights is almost guaranteed to be our pick, so we’ll see what happens.