Idol Leftover Auditions-- At Least They're Over.

Seacrest ominously intones: "As our audition tour comes to a climax..." Yeah, Kara already had four of those during Ryan's "This is... American Idol" dramatic pause.  

Idol tradition tells us that the last Audition Episode is usually a "Greatest Hits" compilation.  That's right, the show that's worth a billion dollars doesn't bother shooting any new episodes.  They just throw together some recycled footage that was SOOOooo Good they didn't bother showing it the first time around.  If that sounds wonderful to you, then you'll probably love this episode.

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What makes the "Best of the Rest" show even more redundant is the fact that we've already seen the Golden Ticket people during the "Lucky Winners" montages in the end of the episodes.  Not that we don't instantly know if the audition-ees are any good based solely on music cues and wacky costumes.  

Well, let's dispose with this show as quickly as possible, shall we?

Brown-Nose Jessica Furney -- Sings Simon's Drecky Song he wrote, "Footsteps in the Sand."  Because nobody has ever used that footprints in the sand metaphor.  Simon is so deep.  So note to Idol Audition-ees, Sucking up to Simon WILL Get you on TV.  But we already knew that.

Amanda Shectman --  Amanda is quirky and does a cute Brittney Spears singing imitation.  In her audition she proves that she has a great singing voice.  But Victoria "I'm a Mannequin" Beckham has the nerve to tell her to "Work on her expression."  Friendless Kara dog-piles on and says Amanda needs to work on her "Connection."  Good lord, people, she's wacky and she sings better than 90% of the stiffs already moving on to Hollywood, but they hem and haw on her.  Amanda falls apart when Simon clearly is playing up the delay before passing her through to Hollywood.  Amanda is dumb, gullible AND a mess, so I love her.  So naturally she doesn't make the Finals.  

Lil' Taylor Hicks Lee Dewyze -- Sings like a combination of Taylor Hicks and Elliott Yamin, so he's got a strange voice and a slight VFTW potential.

Krystal Bowersox -- Does a Janice Joplin song but doesn't over sing it.  She also brings her acoustic guitar to the audition even though she's not allowed to use it.  She's perky and gives off a Crunchy Granola vibe.  And she has freckles and yellow teeth.  So she's already a VFTW Contender for me.  

Ode to the Golden Ticket Fake-Out montage, an "American Idol Tradition."   I hate Golden Ticket Fake-Outs and I hate all Idol traditions.  So this wasn't my favorite segment.  I love how the lazy editors play it up as if there are HUNDREDS of Golden Ticket Fake outs, but they only show six, and three are repeats of previous seasons (Daughtry's "Look what ah Found In ma hat" fake out being the only good one.)

Super-Tanned girl is back.  But she doesn't get to sing.  Boo.

Lacey Brown -- The only interesting thing about her is that she lost out last season to our beloved Megan Joy.  Her voice is quivery.  And she doesn't make it to the Final 24, so I don't care.  Although I'm rooting for the Producers to put her in the Final Two Audition-ees and send her home again.  That would be pretty evil, and awesome.

Crazy Stef-- A mega-tanned Girl with a Victoria Beckham fascination.  Crazy Stef says about Victoria, "She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen."  I can agree with all of it but the "beautiful" part.  Simon tears into Stef, the hapless Crazie, "With the greatest respect, you have a horrible voice."  That was pretty harsh, and funny.  Beckham risks life and limb to give her stalker a hug, then Kara wants to get into the two chicks hugging action and runs over for some stalker frotteurism.

Montage of three cannon fodder nobodies.

"Big Kahuna" Adrian -- A self-described 6'8" "Blondezilla", who also memorably says, "I am a beautiful Man-flower."  Captain Obvious Kara blurts out "Boy, You're Tall", when Adrian walks in.  Then he sings in a freakish Tiny Tim high-pitched voice.  Randy sneaks in an oh so clever "Yo, Adrian." reference because he hasn't said anything really stupid for at least five minutes and needs to keep his LJPM Average up.  (Lame Jokes Per Minute.)

Big Guns Michael -- Has a Luther Vandross soul style and big muscles.  I like him.  But we will never hear from him again.

Dead Friend Didi.  I learned from Joe's Place website that Didi is an Ultimate Fighting Ring Girl and a bikini calendar model, so she's got serious VFTW potential.  All I learned from American Idol is that her best friend died.  I promise not to hold that against her when I'm power-voting for her.

Aaron Kelly -- He's an Orlando Idol Experience Winner with frosted, spikey hair, a mega-tan and a pooka shell neckace.  All of that cues us in that he's a douche even BEFORE he sings a Myley Cyrus song in a David Cook style.  I'm conflicted whether I could vote for him.  On the one hand he's terrible, but on the other he's a jack-ass.  No I'm just joking, we'll probably vote the crap out of Aaron.  Another VFTW contender.  

Kimberly "Freak" Bishop.  We already saw her lose in a montage EARLIER THIS SHOW Kimberly gets her personality cues from Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club.  She's insane and high as a kite.  She tells Randy, "You've lost weight.  I saw you on TV."  Too bad he gained all that weight back on the back of his neck hump.  Freaky Kimberly sings Katy Perry with a strange cockney accent, as she keeps rubbing herself, possibly because of some parasite.  That's a lesson for us all, free Kara hugs aren't exactly consequence free, are they Kimberly?  Kara says "I think you're naughty."  I think you're a worthless whore who's a STEP DOWN from drunk and useless Paula.  But you already knew that.

Shaddai "Not Sade" Harris -- She sings horribly and keeps digging her hole by singing more bad songs.  Seen all this before.  

Hope Johnson -- Her sob story is that she overcame Poverty.  "I didn't know we were poor."  So then it's not really a sob story, is it?  Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  

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Hallelujah, Season 9 Auditions are officially over.  Now the show theoretically gets better in Hollywood Week.  Except in next week's preview Ryan tells us, "This may be the most talented group we've ever seen."  *Cough*, *Cough* BULLSHIT!!!