So you want to get onto American Idol? Nowadays, singing talent doesn’t matter. The only way to secure your spot on the show is to have a sob story. American Idol didn’t start out this way, but it has devolved into Queen for a Day for the new Millennium. By season 9, the celebrity judges won’t even see you unless you have 3 dead relatives, incurable cancer, and a near death experience. If you want to be taken seriously and make it all the way to the top 12, you need to divulge as much as you can about the tragedy that is your life. So what if your life is actually good and you don’t have something awful to share? You might think you need to stay home. But fear not. Vote for the Worst has produced the guide to the 10 tearjerkers that American Idol loves to utilize. And we’ve even ranked them in the order that they’re most likely to get you on the show. We’re givers like that. So pick one of these gems, fake it, and watch as the American Idol judges eat out of the palm of your hands.

Sob Story #10: A bad accident or near death experience

Who's Used It: David Osmond chronicled his experience with MS and how he was wheelchair bound during season 8. Amanda Overmyer's car was hit by a semi right before Hollywood week during season 7, and she lived to tell about it.

Who's Using it This Season: Casey James was in a bad accident and broke a bunch of bones.

How Well Does It Work: Not well at all apparently. No one who has used this story made it that far, so reliving your near death experience might be cathartic, but it isn't going to win American Idol.

Sob Story #9: Handicaps

Who's Used It: Season 1's Jim Verraros practically invented the handicap sob story when his tears about his deaf parents earned him a top 10 spot. Scott MacIntyre also milked the fact that he was legally blind.

Who's Using It This Season: Maddy Curtis's brothers have Down's Syndrome, Dave Pittman is living with Tourette's Syndrome, and Angela Martin's daughter has Rett Syndrome.

How Well Does It Work: The story definitely gets the audience's attention, but the second the voters realize there's no talent behind the sob, they tend to ditch these contestants. None of these people made it past the middle of the finals.

Sob Story #8: Dangerous Job

Who's Used It: Josh Gracin used his active military status to win over votes during season 2, and roughneck Michael Sarver parlayed a terrible performance into a top 10 finish in season 8.

Who's Using it This Season: Bryan Walker, the police officer, wants your votes because he catches bad guys.

How Well Does it Work: Josh Gracin got all the way to the top 4, but that was not too long after the US declared war on Iraq, so the timeliness really helped him. Michael got an undeserved spot in the finals with his story too. While a dangerous job interests the viewers for a while, your job isn't going to get you far on Idol without something else going for you.

Sob Story #7: I'm From a Small Town

Who's Used It: Kellie Pickler milked her small town status in season 5 while learning about calamari and spinach salads. Garet Johnson, the little cowboy from season 5, had only sung to a turkey when he made it to Hollywood. Kristy Lee Cook lived in a log cabin and sold her horse to get on the show. And Carrie Underwood was the first to use this story with any traction, proclaiming Hollywood to be very different from the farm she grew up on.

Who's Using It This Season: Vanessa Wolfe hasn't had much experience in life besides jumping off of bridges and shopping at the dollar store.

How Well Does It Work: Kristy Lee Cook finished 7th, Kellie charmed America to get to the top 6, and Carrie Underwood won the whole thing. So this story is more effective than the ones we’ve chronicled so far. The small town thing has its limitations though, because it only seems to work if you're a country singer. Country music fans love this stuff. Everyone else doesn't care. Since Carrie told her story and Kellie then beat the story to death, no one else has pulled it off quite as well.

Sob Story #6: Hard Luck Background

Who's Used It: During season 7, Syesha Mercado talked about her dad's struggle with drugs and alcohol. Plenty of contestants were also homeless, such as season 7's Josiah Leming who lived out of his car, and season 8's Lil Rounds who lost her house in a tornado.

Who's Using It This Season: Andrew Garcia's parents moved out of Compton to try to provide a better life for him.  Aaron Kelly’s parents couldn’t take care of him as a kid, so he was adopted by his aunt and uncle. Angela Martin seems to have the worst luck in the history of the world.

How Well Does It Work: Syesha made the top 3, Lil Rounds placed 7th, but no one else has really gotten much footing out of this story. Still, that's a lot further than these contestants would have gone without the story, proving that pushing your (hard) luck is effective if used correctly.

Sob Story #5: Medical Problems

Who's Used It: If you or a loved one has a medical problem, then American Idol is the place to go. Season 4's Anthony Fedorov used his tracheotomy scar for votes and David Archuleta's vocal paralysis was used to get him sympathy.

Who's Using It This Season: Justin Williams' cancer, Christian Spear's Leukemia, Jermaine Sellers' sick mom, Katie Stevens' grandmother with Alzheimer's, and Paige DeChausse's asthma are all competing to see which sickness earns the most points. Maybe if we get them all in a room together… we can lock the door.

How Well Does it Work: Anthony made the top 4 and Gaspy hit the top 2. Week to week, contestants like Megan Joy and Kristy Lee Cook used a cold to advance past a bad performance. So in the right hands, this sob story could become incredibly powerful. No Idol contestant has ever contracted a disease while in the finals, so this is the logical progression for the next sob story. The first contestant to find out they have cancer after making the top 12 will likely be our next winner.

Sob Story #4: "I'm doing it for my kids"

Who's Used It: So many contestants claim that they want to become an American Idol so they can provide for their family. Yet really, they're usually just lazy opportunists who want to earn money the easy way. Fantasia Barrino won season 3 after repeatedly talking about being a single mother. Season 5's Chris Daughtry rode his stepchildren all the way to the top 4. Season 1's Nikki McKibbin, Season 6's LaKisha Jones, season 8's Megan Joy, and season 8's Alexis Grace were among the other contestants who used their kids to garner votes. Phil Stacey took it to the next level by getting his baby's birth on television.

Who's Using It This Season: Call it the year of the needy parent- Seth Rollins, Danielle Hayes, Jim Ranger, and plenty of others are using this story. Michael Lynche has a baby on the way, which I’m sure we’ll hear about again.

How Well Does It Work: Kids are the perfect way to make up for your lack of a sob story, but after you hit the finals, it's a mixed bag depending on what else you have to offer. If you’re thinking of combining this sob story with #5 and your kid suddenly gets sick… that’s a terrible thing to wish on anyone. Why  would you do that? You’re sick.

Sob Story #3: The Dead Relative

Who's Used It: Season 7's Asia'h Epperson attended the American Idol auditions a mere 2 days after her dad died. And then Danny Gokey milked his wife's death for a spot on the show one year later.

Who's Using It This Season: Haeley Vaughn noted that her dad died when she was 10 and Didi Benami’s best friend died 4 years ago.

How Well Does It Work: I can't remember anyone with a dead relative who didn't make it to the semifinal rounds. Asia'h almost made the top 12 and Danny coasted all the way to the top 3, so this sob story is almost guaranteed to give you some time in the competition. It also without fail seems to distract the audience from how bad you are. If you hit a bum note, tell Ryan that a made up relative died the day before and all will be forgiven.

Sob Story #2: "I'm Ugly"

Who's Used It: Season 2 runner up Clay Aiken perfected this one with his scary looks but good singing voice. Since then, Idols like Elliott Yamin and Melinda Doolittle used their messed up mugs for votes.

Who's Using It This Season: It seems like almost everyone. This is a very ugly cast. Especially the guys. There’s not a looker in the bunch.

How Well Does It Work: This tactic works incredibly well, because the top 12 is always full of fuggos. But for every homely looking person who makes the top 12, plenty more don’t. Ugly people with talent usually get very far on the show because the viewers feel bad for them, while pretty people with talent don’t succeed as often. If you’re ugly and lack talent though, you probably won’t benefit from this. So make sure to ugly yourself up a bit before your audition. You can then benefit from the “top 12 makeover” and go back to looking decent.

Sob Story #1: "Nobody Loves Me"

Who's Used It: Taylor Hicks talked about how he was different during season 5, Scott Savol milked his parents' disapproval for votes in season 4, and Carly Smithson's "woe is me" story about her previous music failures gained her pity from suckers during season 7.

Who's Using It This Year: Chris Golightly bounced around between 24 foster homes in 15 years. What was he doing, setting the houses on fire?

How Well Does It Work: Carly made it to the top 6, Scott to the top 5, and Taylor won. So apparently the middle aged women and tween girls who watch the show can really relate to someone who didn't receive enough love. VFTW recommends this as the sob story you should use to win big. You can combine it with “I’m ugly” and a made-up dead relative for an almost guaranteed Idol win.

So what have we learned today? You can’t spell victory without the letters C-R-Y. So give Idol some tears and we guarantee that you can trade in your self-respect for a shot at stardom.

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