Hollywood Episode Number One Recap - A DeGeneres Helping Of Mediocrity

The first Hollywood episode was a bit underwhelming, because most of it was taken up by Ellen DeGeneres trying to be funny and failing miserably. Ellen begins by saying, “People ask, ‘What do you know about music?’ I do know what it’s like to stand on a stage and try to please a room full of people.” So nothing then? Thought so. At least Kara DioGuardi can finally give away the title of Most Contrived Idol Judge. Don’t worry, Kara. You can keep your Idol Judge Most Likely To Be Registered as a Sex Offender badge of honor.

The first group of the day has Skii Bo Ski and Katie Stevens. I’m reminded that Katie has a grandmother with Alzheimer’s. This however has nothing to do with Katie’s singing. She does sing decently though, but it’s nothing I haven’t heard 100 times before. Skii Bo Ski sings “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and Ellen says he frightened her. Katie moves on while Skii Bo Ski’s cut, and he really isn’t too proud to beg for a second chance. Unfortunately he doesn’t get it, and the season that could’ve been awesome is now just mediocre.

Vanessa Wolfe and Andrew Garcia sing in the second group. Andrew wants a better life for his struggling family. I thought his family moved out of Compton so they would have a better life. What does this guy need now? He sings “Straight Up” with the lyrics “baby I’m moving way too slow.” It’s true, the song is painfully slow and not really all that inventive. The whole acoustic version of a pop song thing has been done to death on Idol, and it’s been done way better than Andrew’s song. Kara calls the performance genius and Ellen imitates Paula’s seal clap. You know what would be better than Ellen’s imitation? Shitcanning her and brining back Paula to do it. Kara compares Andrew to Adam Lambert, which justifies why I can’t stand him. Both are hideous looking no-talent douchebags. Vanessa Wolfe sings next, and the producers actually went to her hometown to document her first them there trip on that wing-ed aeroplane thingy. She warbles out of a version of “No Rain” that’s just as bad as I expected her to be. But instead of being charmed, Ellen tells Vanessa to stop hiding and accept who she is. Yes, we know Vanessa is a lesbian, we don’t need A Very Special Episode of American Idol. Vanessa’s cut and Andrew moves on. Just goes to show that being ugly sometimes get you far and sometimes backfires.

Cornelius Edwards (the pant splitting guy), Maegan Wright, and Amedeo DiRocco are also cut right away. It looks like anyone with VFTW potential is being thrown to the wolves.

Janell Wheeler, some random ho from Florida who’s dating Tim Tebow, sings “American Boy.” And actually, I’m surprised that she has a pleasant, raspy voice that makes the song interesting. She also seems like a commercial singer who can be current and sell records. Which means she stands no chance on Idol whatsoever. She does make it to the next round though.

Haeley Vaughn, yet another contestant who spells her name stupidly, does her pop-country shtick with a song about a revolution. It’s pretty bad. Her vocals are shaky and off key. This is good news for VFTW, since she makes it to the next round. Mary Powers, a fake rocker who thinks a Kara DioGuardi penned Pink song will help her “rock” also makes it through. Todrick “Scammer” Hall, Charity “Chipmunk” Vance, and Ashley “Are You Sure I’m Not a Man” Rodriguez also move on.

Ellen DeGeneres then makes a group of contestants step forward and back randomly because she thinks she’s funny. This is going to be a long season.

Moving on to day two, Jay Stone sounds incomprehensibly bad while beatboxing. Also in his group is Lilly Scott, a sandwich maker. She looks like a total ham, so I like her. There’s no bologna with this one. See, I can make jokes that are just as bad as Ellen’s. Lilly has a good voice, but she also rocks back and forth and seems odd, so I’m sensing some VFTW potential here. Jay’s gone and Lilly’s moving on.

Michael Lynche is missing the birth of his first child to be on American Idol. This man is a complete idiot. Michael does say he’ll pummel anyone who disagrees with him, so I like his spirit though. Anyone who wants to beat up the annoying Idols during group round has my vote. Michael’s version of “Waiting on the World to Change” is unbelievably annoying, but it earns Mike the right to move on. I’m torn whether I like him or not, so we’ll see what happens next time. His kid, however, will hold a grudge against him until the end of time if he doesn’t win. Deservedly so.

Some guy named Tim Urban who has never appeared before is given a flashback as if I’ve seen his audition. I think I’d remember some guy with goofy hair and a terrible voice. Don’t remember him. Justin “Cancer Boy” Williams also reiterates in a flashback that he had cancer, just in case you forgot. Tim sings a terrible version of David Cook’s “Come Back To Me”. Then again, I don’t think there’s a good version of that song that exists. Justin plays piano and whines his way through “Fly Me to the Moon.” It’s probably the worst performance I’ve heard all day. It ends with an eyefuck to the camera that’s incredibly cheesy. I have to admit, outside of Idol, Justin seemed talented. Hearing this, not so much. Who knows what happened there. Justin goes home and Tim moves on.

To further demoralize VFTW, Paige “I Have Asthma” DeChausse, Erica “Barney Girl With a Whip” Rhodes, and Amanda and Bernadette “Jersey Skanks” DeSimone are all cut next. What the hell, Idol? Do you expect me to sit through 13 weeks of Little Orphan Trannie? Seriously?

Maddy Curtis is up next, and she tells us that “some people are skeptical of Down’s Syndrome.” So apparently Maddy thinks that people deny the existence of Down’s Syndrome. Maddy truly isn’t a very bright girl, is she? She also isn’t a very good singer, or very interesting, or very talented. She also earns a ticket home with a terrible song. At least that’s one person I won’t miss. Casey James wants to show what he can do besides strip off his clothes to make Kara’s radioactive vagina kill off the cockroaches on the floor beneath her. Apparently “showing what he can do” involves playing a few easy, boring chords on a guitar. But alas, Casey moves to the next round. Cockroaches beware.

The last 2 that get to sing are “emotionally fragile” Didi Benami and Crystal “I Could Use a Shower” Bowersox. I am reminded that Didi was sad because her friend died. 4 years ago. Didi likes to live in the past and bring up things that most people would’ve moved on from. This is why she chooses to sing washed up hag Kara DioGuardi’s song “Terrified.” Really? I knew I didn’t like this girl, but that song choice cements it for me. The song is almost as bad as “No Boundaries,” so it’s clearly got Kara’s tramp stamp on it. Speaking of tramp stamps, Crystal decides to get one on her back with her son’s name. I like Crystal overall, but she needs to step up her VFTW game. The whole unwashed hippy look is a big plus, but I’d like to see more effort from her. The audience sings along with Crystal’s version of “Natural Woman” and Simon calls her infectious. But a curable infectious, unlike Kara, who’s beyond hope. Didi and Crystal move on, and hopefully Crystal bludgeons Didi with her guitar so we don’t have to hear any more Kara songs.

So 181 of the nation’s “best” singers have been cut down to a more manageable number. What does that mean? Group rounds! This is always my favorite part of Hollywood, because the fighting is awesome. But the previews don’t look so good, so I’m prepared to be underwhelmed just like I’ve been for the rest of the season. Sigh.