Hollywood Week Has Plenty of VFTW Goodness on Display

Ah, the golden glow of Hollywood Week.  Even a jaded and bored Idol viewer like myself can get behind Hollywood week.  They burn through 380 bad singers in a brisk, entertaining hour.  They don't waste too much time with crappy sob stories and no hopers.  And most importantly for us, a lot of bad singers and wacky personalities get through, and there's the promise of tear-drenched mascara masks and crushed hopes and dreams tomorrow night on the always excellent Group Sing episode.

And Ellen makes a surprisingly entertaining and funny debut.  She got off some typical Ellen one-liners, at one point mimicking Paula's walrus clapping and she mocked Idol's stupid "take a step forward, front row is safe" gimmick.  So far so good.  Randy's contribution to tonight's show, calling one dude "Interesting.  That's all I got to say."  Except the guy wasn't the least bit interesting so Randy was either stupid or lying, or both.  

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So on with the show.  The only problem I had with this episode is even when they reminded me who these people were, I STILL couldn't remember them, nor muster the energy to care.  I predict that this will be the least talented Final 24 ever, until next season when the show becomes a joke.  Okay, the show is already joke, but next year it'll be an even funnier joke, with worse singers.

Ryan warns the singers that "this could be the hardest week of their lives"... except for Leukemia girl, I'm guessing that week she beat cancer was a little tougher.  Then some blonde girl falls out of the van and the show starts on the right/wrong foot.

Alzheimers Grandma Katie --  She has a pretty voice.  And she's 17 so Randy can remind us about that every time she sings.  She's boring and can sing, so we don't care about her, of course.

SkiiBoski -- He sings in a very karaoke style.  That's why we love him.  Ellen warns that SkiiBoski seems like he's stalking them.  "Sexy and scary is a fine line" quips Ellen.  She starts off strong.

Andrew Garcia -- AKA Gokey 2.0, forgets Paula Abdul is gone so he sings a Paula song even though there's no point sucking up to her.  Kara goes "Whoo" after Andrew does a run of singing the same note several times in a row.  She's like that annoying person in the movie theater that laughs at the SET-UPS to the jokes in bad comedies, so you always miss the punch-line.  Andrew's not bad, better than Gokey actually and fairly innocuous.  

Vanessa Wolfe -- AKA Pickler 2.0, talks about her first time riding an "arrow-plane" and she sings horribly.  "I took a risk that didn't work out" she tearfully admits later.  What was her risk, singing shitty?  

Afro-Dude and The Schnozz get sent home.  I'll miss them.  

Cornelius the guy who did the splits and ripped his pants, Amedeo the troll and funny spelled name Maegan all go home.  Amedeo begs for another chance, thereby squandering any good will we had for him.  

Janell Wheeler plays guitar and sings a Kanye West song in an acoustic style.  She's flat several times in the song but advances anyways.  We like bad singers in the Finals, so go Janell.

African Guy plays keyboard and sings badly but gets sent home.  I'm sad.

Black Country Haeley and "Rocker Mom" Mary both advance.  Just having Seacrest call you a "Rocker Mom" destroys any street cred she ever had.  She sings a Pink song in a Daughtry style, and she's terrible.  YES!  She's a standard Idol Fake Rocker so we love to hate her already.  Both of these gals are one-dimensional singers which makes for great comedy on theme weeks.  VFTW Victory!

A bunch of people who we barely remember are sent packing.  Peace Out, Beat Box Blake 2.0.  

Next up is Lilly Scott with premature gray, bobbed hair and dead peacock earrings.  Lilly sounds great.  Kara slobbers: "Everything about you is refreshing"... Except for her fright wig hair.  She's too good a singer, but if the Hollywood make-over people can't fix her hair we can find it in our hearts to vote for her.

Lilly and Dreadlock Beanie guy make it to tomorrow's show.   

Big Mike -- He steals Nos-Phil-atu's sob story and has a wife going into labor while he's singing.  Muscle Mike threatens that he's a great singer, "And I'll pummel anyone who disagrees."  Ah, yes.  I remember why I like Muscles Mike.  He sings in a higher-than expected register, like Marvin Gaye, but with cannon arms.  

Scale Singing Justin, Mega-Tanned Jersey Sisters and S&M Barney Girl are all suddenly done.  See, I warned Barney Girl that they were only giving her screen time because of the whip and stiletto thigh boots, and had no intention of keeping her longer.  And I was pretty sure one of the Jersey girls made the Finals.  But I was mistaken.

Maddie With the Downes Syndrome brothers sings a horrible song that would've been out of sight in 1972 as an opening act for the Carpenters, but on Idol coming from a 17 year old it was pretty terrible.  She's done.  See, once again reminding us why the audition weeks are so godawful.  They exploit people's handicaps and handicapped family members for tears and ratings then send them packing when they are no longer useful.

Bad Drivin' Casy of the broken wrists and golden locks, who we are reminded stripped down and gave Kara a lap dance in order to stay on the show.  He's a below average singer, but he and three losers we will never see again move on to Group Sing.  Anybody who gets naked for votes gets a VFTW Thumb's up.  So go, Casey.

Emotional Mess Didi -- Sings a Kara song better than Kara.  She wears garish red tights, and like Brooke White from season 7, she threatens to have a meltdown every week.  So big VFTW hopes go out to Didi.

Crystal Bowersox -- She already has a VFTW name.  She gets a giant tattoo on her back, of her son's name from some scuzzy Hollywood Boulevard tattoo joint.  So now she can remember her son's name every time she looks over her shoulder into a mirror, and reads it backwards.  She plays the guitar and does her own back-up singing echoes (until the audience joins in.)  She's perky and talented, and she has nicotine-stained fangs.  So we love her immensely.  Honey, we're glad you do it, but for your own health lay off the chewin' tobacco.  She's one of my favorites so far.

In the end of show montage we see that Rerun and Aladdin Pants girl and 93 others advance to suffer tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Michael, some troll with goggles breaks down.  Sweet.  

Good show.

--Chan