Ryan Seacrest starts off the show by saying that this year’s group is incredible. Fast forward 2 hours and I can tell you that Ryan Seacrest is a damn dirty liar. I think the judges literally insulted every contestant somehow and told them they weren’t good enough. All 12. So remind me again how awesome this group is. It’s so much less fun to vote for the worst when everyone sucks so bad, but darling Haeley Vaughn really shined tonight. In time, she can only get better… for VFTW. So on to the recap where I embarrass Idol by pointing out what a shitty job they do of casting talent.

Paige Miles went from wiping the snot off of kids’ noses to living her dream. If her dream is murdering “Alright Now,” I agree. She is living it. Paige tries too hard to change up the song, so she’s adding runs and odd notes where they don’t belong. It’s a terrible way to start the show, but the judges seem to be in la la land. Simon says that Paige has the best voice out of all of the girls this year, so clearly this is the year of VFTW. The judges didn’t like Paige’s song selection though. Paige mentions that she’s excited to get out of her outfit because it’s sown on and she’s had to pee for 5 hours. I do find it funny that Paige announces that she has to piss like a racehorse, so kudos to her.

Speaking of racehorses, we’re off to the races with Ashley Rodriguez. Can you say horse face? Ashley was upset when Simon Cowell made fun of Jordin Sparks’ song “Battlefield”, so she decided to sing it in Hollywood. That’s a smart move. Ashley came out of the gate fast when Simon said she had “it” during the audition. She decides to show she’s not a one-trick pony by performing “Happy” by the winner of the Kentucky Derby, Leona Lewis. Ashley is too close to the mic and breathing heavily, so she’s got some hurdles ahead of her. Is she keeping her eye on the prize, or is she falling behind the pack with a song choice like this? The song isn’t in her range whatsoever and her whinnies are terrible. Ashley has gone from being the odds-on favorite to an also-ran very quickly. Ellen wants Ashley to take a risk. Simon calls the performance “clumsy” and says that Ashley might be in trouble after that. Will voters be forced to hitch their wagon to another horse, or will Ashley trot her way back into the winner’s circle?

Janell Wheeler makes it 3 for 3 in the bad performance department when she performs “What About Love.” Her voice sounds very tired and she can barely hit a note without cracking. Is she sick or does she always just sound this hoarse? She reminds me of Ashley Rodriguez for some reason… She’s just not hitting any of the notes. But she looks very attractive if that’s any consolation. Simon says that Janell gave 100% effort and probably delivered 65%.  Kara says that the song was way too big for Janell and that she lost everything distinct about her voice. To me, what’s distinct about her voice is that it sucks. Then again, with the group of females singing tonight, that’s not distinct at all.

Lilly Scott was living out of her car and playing on the street. She never thought she’d try out for Idol. This means she got desperate. I guess it was either prostitution or Idol… though at least with prostitution you don’t have that dirty, scuzzy feeling afterwards. Lilly sings “Fixing a Hole”, and compared to the 3 train wrecks before her, Lilly sounds like a virtuoso. Really though, she’s just kind of mediocre over all. She has a nice tone to her voice. Ellen says that Lilly has a distinct, unique voice. Randy says she sounds like Lilly Allen and Adele. So which one is it? Is she unique or does she sound like those 2 women? Simon doesn’t feel much star power from Lilly. Kara says the best thing Lilly can do is stand on the street and busk for money. Yes, even though it’s Kara, she said “busk.” Lilly seems to have a fun personality when she insults Ryan’s height, but we didn’t see much tonight. Maybe next week.

Katelyn Epperly rocks the trashy outfit (literally, it looks like she’s wearing a garbage bag) and whore lipstick while singing “Oh Darling.” It’s a shame too, because she sounds pretty good but looks a mess. She has a rasp to her voice that’s pleasant, but she overdoes it on some of the notes to the point where it seems very forced. Simon says that even though she screamed part of the song, he likes her. Kara says the whore makeover isn’t working, because she stole Kara’s shtick. Ellen says that Katelyn pushed herself too hard and that she doesn’t need to do that.

VFTW pick Haeley Vaughn performs 6th. She got her nose pierced when she made it to Hollywood because it showed what she’d accomplished to this point (which is singing karaoke songs for a group of talentless judges). Haeley’s version of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” might as well be renamed “I Wanna Be The VFTW Pick.” She’s singing terribly by shrieking out most of the notes. When she hits high notes, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. She also has this awesome lisp that really comes out when she sings, so that’s yet another reason for me to love her. This is the one performance so far that literally made me laugh out loud, so I knew I had something special here. Though I think Haeley can still ramp it up a bit and play more to the VFTW crowd next week. Kara says that Haeley’s technical ability needs work because she didn’t hit all the notes. Randy loves Haeley’s unpredictability- one week she’s bad, the next she’s horrible. He says that her high notes make sounds that are not quite as pleasing as they could be. Simon then goes for the jugular by saying that her performance was verging on terrible. He says she looks like a wind-up doll that never stops smiling and calls the whole thing a “complete and utter mess.” Ellen adds that, “if it was a mess, it was a hot mess.” I’m with you, Ellen. Hot mess it is. Either way, Haeley has my support.

Lacey Brown didn’t make it last year when Megan Joy got her spot. I can completely see why this happened, as Lacey sings like Megan Joy if Megan was kicked in the throat a few times. She’s terrible. Singing a song like “Landslide” at such a slow tempo makes her off-key notes sound even worse. Randy says that Lacey was terrible and pitchy, Simon calls it depressing. Ellen says that Lacey is better than that. Well, I doubt Lacey will get a chance to prove herself again. Then again, these women are all so bad, any one could go home and we might get another boring performance out of Lacey. If only she’d camped it up, VFTW totally could’ve voted for her. But since she went the boring route, we’ll have to take the votes to our favorite crappy cowgirl.

Michelle Delamor seems like total fodder to me, so I was prepared to tune out her performance. Her loud family woke me up though, so I figured I’d listen and see what happens. Unfortunately, Michelle picks “Fallin” by Alicia Keys, not realizing this song should’ve been banned from Idol permanently since it’s been so fucking overdone at auditions. Michelle has a good voice, but she’s not really doing much with the song. Again, compared to some of the others, Michelle does seem amazing. That’s so sad. Ellen says that Michelle made a hard song seem easy. Simon says that there wasn’t one moment in the performance that made him say wow. Randy and Kara want her to try something different. At this point, I bet Idol wants a completely different group of girls. This group almost completely lacks charisma and entertainment value. Do they all give good head or something?

Didi Benami has decided that America doesn’t want to see her cry anymore. Actually, that’s what I wanted. I wanted a full on Didi breakdown where she screams at the voices in her head. Instead, I get a tepid performance of “The Way I Am.” She does sound decent, but it’s a bit affected. Her orgasm/angry faces are funny to watch at least. The last note doesn’t end well. Simon says that too many people are trying to sound like Adele or Duffy, and if he closes his eyes, he would confuse 3-4 of the singers tonight. Dude, you apparently picked them. It’s not as if they changed their voices overnight. This is your own fault. Simon went on to say that the song was indulgent and dreary and that Didi lacks a spark because no one will remember her. Randy agrees that Didi lacks star power. Since Didi is the most polished of the group, things aren’t looking good for that relevant, female winner the show wants. Out of the 8 female humans and 1 female horse that sang so far, none would make viable recording artists or triple crown winners. But that shouldn’t shock anyone who has seen the show before.

Siobhan Magnus was rumored to be singing “It’s Raining Men” tonight. She also previously dressed in ridiculous clothing and a weird jean-jacket-over-dress outfit that made me laugh out loud. Instead of living up to the hype, tonight she dresses in all black and does a subdued version of “Wicked Game.” Don’t get me wrong, she sounds good. I just had high VFTW hopes for her and she’s dashed them. Kara says Siobhan can be nasally but she likes that she’s in the moment when she sings. Ellen loved the performance, but Randy and Simon think it’s not as good as her Hollywood performances. Siobhan tries to defend her song choice and ends up rambling in a slow monotone. This girl has absolutely no inflection to her voice when she speaks. So strange. Even Simon seems weirded out after Siobhan explains her song choice. I wish she’d really let her freak flag fly though. Ah well. At least she had a funny moment when Simon called her a “dark horse” and she asked what it meant.

Crystal Bowersox has never seen the show before and didn’t think this was for her. She changed her mind because she wants a bigger paycheck for her son. Unlike Lilly, prostitution was never an option for Crystal because the whole dirty, unwashed hippy thing doesn’t attract many clients. She sings “One Hand In My Packet” and we get plenty of close-ups on her bad teeth that seem to have been whitened a little. She’s a good singer, but the whole busker harmonica thing didn’t guarantee Taylor Hicks a career, so it’s probably not gonna work on the Idol stage for Crystal either. Ellen calls Crystal “fresh” (I guess rather than “expired”), but Simon says that there are thousands of people doing this same thing outside of a subway station at the moment. He criticizes Crystal for doing a “sound alike” performance and tells her, “You’ve gotta do something that’s you.” Crystal shoots back, “They don’t allow originals on the show though.” See, I knew I liked Crystal. She is already annoyed that the show is throwing everyone under the bus and she won’t stand for it. That puts her in contention as a future VFTW pick for speaking her mind. Unfortunately, she tries to mask that she’s upset by agreeing with Simon to sing David Bowie or something. But as she fake smiles, you can tell she’s regretting her choice to appear on the show, especially when Kara calls her “just a coffeehouse performer.”. So if she can really throw caution to the wind and abandon all effort, I’m all about voting for her later on. You can do it, Crystal. VFTW will be waiting.

Lastly, Katie Stevens performs “Feeling Good by Michael Buble.” Seriously? She thinks Michael Buble wrote the song? I can tell I’m not going to like this girl. Her performance is trying way too hard and it’s completely over the top. Then again, it’s sadly still better than half of the performances tonight. Ellen says that the performance was too serious and conservative for a 17 year old. Simon says the performance became annoying and pageanty. Kara says that Katie’s pitch was all over the place and that she’ll be embarrassed to listen back to the show. Randy of course has to bring up his favorite OMG17 year old Jordin Sparks. This means he’ll be reminding me every week that Katie is 17 until she goes home. So please send her home soon. I don’t know how many weeks I can stand of, “Well, dawg, being that you’re 17…”

Tomorrow the guys sing. Can they be as terrible as this crowd? And if they are, will the show just cancel itself to save the embarrassment? This is the weakest top 24 girls round ever. And after cutting Angela Martin, Shelby Dressel, and Jessica Furney by saying that this such a strong group of singers, the show’s gotta be feeling mighty stupid. It’s too late now. This is going to be the season of VFTW. We’re going to rule this show with an iron fist. And hopefully Haeley makes us proud for weeks to come!

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