Top 8- LaKisha is Gonna Get You- Harumph! (LaKisha Takes a Big Bite)

Since this was tagged incorrectly by myself, I'm adding it again as a blog Sorry for those who missed it!

This week the Idols treat us to a little Latin flavor. Or rather, the Idols fail while trying to sing semi-Latin songs with guest judge semi-Latin Jennifer Lopez. The producers this week said to themselves, “Well, who can we get to coach the contestants that actually sings worse than Gwen Stefani?” And since Fergie was busy this week shooting an ad for Depends, they decided to go with Jennifer Lopez (and her tagalong ass – no, Marc Anthony was not there) and make a Spanish song week.

First up is Melinda “No Neck” Doolittle, who says her biggest struggle this week will be trying to be sexy. I think her biggest struggle is her head vs. her shoulders, but that’s just me. Melinda does not bring sexy back, indeed she leaves it somewhere far away and squints through her entire performance. She also appears to be sucking on a lemon, which was probably Jennifer’s sexy tip. The judges are mixed, and Simon doesn’t like it, saying she looks too old. She really does, but she does every other week as well. The judges are just trying to set up a shocking elimination for tomorrow. Melinda will escape, but will LaKisha?

LaKliche Jones wows us by stopping traffic… oh wait, that’s a stop sign. Oh wait, that’s LaKisha’s dress. It’s just not flattering, and it gives her back boobs. She manages to sing an uptempo song poorly, like she has with every other uptempo song. Paula is right in calling out LaKisha for being safe this week. The only risky thing about this performance was her dancing. Very risky. Poor, poor choices. As I called early on in the season, LaKisha will be the shocking mid-season elimination. Will that be this week? Probably. *cue a second surprised LaKisha squeal for tomorrow*

Chris “Timberfake” Richardson decides to cheat and sing a song by Rob Thomas that features Santana on guitar. And as always, he really sucks. He gives away his affectations by singing in his normal voice to start the song, which actually isn’t all that bad. But within 10 seconds, the vice around his balls is back, and he’s squeaking it out Timberlake style. The ensemble is just not working, and he doesn’t have the charisma or confidence to pull of the “sexy” moves, so it all comes off flat. The judges basically like it, but then again, they compliment him every week, so who can trust their opinion?

Haley “White Bread” Scarnato attempts to be Haley “huevos rancheros con pan blanco” Scarnato. It just ain’t happenin’. Her performance of Turn the Beat Around is painful and completely lacking the correct rhythm. But her shorts are extra short this week. And she killed a zebra to make her outfit (a baby zebra, there wasn’t much outfit). You can tell she’s trying really hard, but she just isn’t very good. Before the performance is over, she passes a woman wearing the rest of the baby zebra. I would make a better joke, but do zebras even do anything? For real, they’re like the most boring animal ever. Kind of like Haley Scarnato. So is White Bread going to be Toast this week? No. Her legs will save her again.

Phil “Nosphilatu” Stacey is amazed that he’s sitting next to Jennifer Lopez. I’m amazed that he’s out in the sunlight. He then comes out to sing Maria, Maria with one ear tucked under his hat, which deceptively did not alert him that he was very out of tune. The hat is just not working, because instead of distracting from his bald head, it brings attention to the UGLY HAT. Again, as always, Phil is really off key, but then hits the glory notes perfectly. Though this week he’s really straining and his voice sounds hoarse. Maybe he’s sick? Lack of blood? The judges are not fans.

Jordin Sparks wows Jennifer Lopez with her cutesiness. Jennifer also likens Jordin to Michael Jackson, because both of them have 16 year old boyfriends. She comes out singing Rhythm is Gonna Get You, and she’s actually decent. Jordin makes it look easy and actually sings well, something most of these jokers can’t do. The trenchcoat isn’t really all that flattering, but her performance is by far the best of the night. The judges like it, except for Simon, who was too busy being distracted by her cameltoe.

Now really, does it matter what Blake Lewis sang this week? Because that outfit was just so hysterical. Blake comes out in an ugly safari hat, ruffly safari shirt, too tight in the crotch pants, and bright red shoes. It looks like he’s going to take us on a 70’s safari, and the hat makes him look as short as he actually is. He needs his spiky hair to give him a few extra inches. He did sing decently out the side of his mouth, but the outfit was so funny that I didn’t pay much attention. Jordin was worlds better, but Blake wasn’t awful.

To finish up the show, Sanjaya Malakar decides to fill every stereotype of a shady Latin man by greasing up his hair, growing an ugly moustache with extra face pubes, and wearing a gold medallion with a tacky sportjacket. Seriously, Sanjaya, Hispanic men are going to throw tomatoes at you (though the Hispanic preteen girls all got their cell phones ready when he started eyeing the camera in a semi-seductive, semi-skeezy way). Sanjaya longs to be that guy that gets you pregnant and then bails when the child support payment is due. And boy does he nail that on the head. The vocals were mediocre, but compared to normal Sanjaya, the vocals were so outstanding that God himself stood up and clapped, “Man, I love that Sanjaya. But where’s the ponyhawk?” I was kind of bored with his performance, but he probably needed something like that to launch him another few weeks in the competition. Sanjaya cannot live on bad performances alone. The judges liked it, and hey, whatever keeps Jaya around works for me!

So who’s going home? As I said earlier, I think it’s about time for the “token shocker” elimination, so I think we can say goodbye to LaKisha. Rounding out the bottom 3 will probably be some more females, like Jordin and Haley, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Phil down there as well. As long as my precious Sanjaya lives to sing a country song next week, all is well in the world.