Top 7 - Nasally is a Form of Singing (Poorly)

This week the Idols sang with Martina McBride, the first guest judge in a while who could actually sing well. But it's country week, so taking a page from past country weeks, this week is going to be one big VFTW victory. That it is. Half of the performances are good and half stink to high hell. Who falls into which category? It shouldn't be hard to figure out, but let's recap this sucktacuar night anyway!

Phil "Nosphilatu" Stacy started out first with Where the Blacktop Ends. It's kind of creepy, kind of weird, as always, but it's not terrible. I didn't really enjoy it, but after watching the entire show, Phil definitely falls right into the middle easily. Though if you don't want to be compared to a vampire, wearing all black isn't necessarily a good idea. The judges loved it, and hey, Phil's gonna need that to survive another week. I'd like him to stay purely so he can be a backup VFTW later on.

Second up is Jordin Sparks. And I still can't make fun of this girl for much. Her outfit was pretty awful this week, but her singing was amazing. She easily outsang everyone else with a performance of a song that's overdone on Idol, but made it sound fresh. You know what? I can't seem to make fun of this girl. She always sings well and never does anything all that annoying. Thus, I ask you, loyal readers, to please e-mail me with possible nicknames for Jordin and some reasons to make fun of her. I need something to work with here, help me out!

Third, Sanjaya "The Most Awesome Person on the Planet" Malakar wants to give us something to talk about. How about VFTW? This one will certainly get people talking, as will his do rag and baggy mock janitor's outfit. He's back to form and I'm loving it! The singing is worse than ever, and he's jumping around the stage like a true Worster. The judges basically return to their "how can we get rid of this guy" critique mode (though it's not like they ever say anything worthwhile anyway) and Simon looks pissed. He states, "It was funny for a while, but..." and then jumps into some ridiculous diatribe about how this competition is meant to find the next big superstar. No it isn't. You already found this magical person and this is a promotional tool rather than a talent competition. And it's still fun! So let's keep Sanjaya in the game, folks.

LaKliche decides to jump into a different cliche this week by taking on former Idol Carrie Underwood's song, Jesus Take the Wheel. Martina loves it, but I'm not so sure this is a good idea. Carrie Underwood has no personality and only succeeds because she's pretty and people can listen to her on the radio. She's a terrible performer. Sure enough, LaKisha starts off okay, but the chorus becomes painful. She screams out to Jesus, and he's too busy telling her to sing a little softer to help her. Divas can't scream out everything, and this was an incredibly poor choice on LaKisha's part. Martina McBride is a screaming diva country singer, Jordin figured this out, but LaKisha went the wrong route. If you can belt, don't try belting a simple song like that one. The judges were correct to insult it, and hopefully this terrible performance is enough to send her packing and save Sanjaya.

Chris "Timberfake" Richardson sings Mayberry, which Martina McBride doesn't get. Yeah, this vocal may even be worse than Sanjaya's. It's nasaly, painful, and oh so wonderfully VFTW. The judges finally call him out on sucking so bad, and his comeback to Simon is that "nasally is a form of singing." That may be the stupidest thing anyone has ever said on this show, ever. If nasally is a form of singing, so is shitty, which is what we heard tonight from Chris. He's giving Phil Stacy a run for his money as the next worst behind Sanjaya, but neither are really any fun. Boo.

Melinda "No Neck" Doolittle does well again. As always. So boring. Though Simon does tell her to end the fake surprise moments. Finally! Otherwise, she's too good to really care about and not interesting enough to really make fun of. She did a good job.

Blake Lewis closes out the show with When the Stars Go Blue. It's not bad, but I think the performance is falling a little flat. Maybe the stars are going green... or maybe pink? Or maybe the stars are just too busy voting for Sanjaya. There's no safari hat to distract me from Blake's weak vocals this week. But I think this would sound really good recorded, as long as Blake drops the faux accent. Yeah, that's it, this needs to be recorded and not performed live like this. The judges love it, but Simon is a little unimpressed. The stars go... whatever.

Who's going home? I can never predict Sanjaya, so I'll go with KiKi again, and Sanjaya and Chris could round out the bottom 3. Not that I want Sanjaya in the bottom 3, but he kind of needs to scare us a little bit so people vote harder next week! So let's hope LaKisha goes home and shocks America, because Sanjaya going home is going to make this show BORING with a capital B.