Well, that was a terrible show! Idol Gives Back now wants even more money from us. We made 7 million dollars by calling in, which is way less than what American Idol will make in advertising revenue tonight alone. I don’t see Nigel Lythgoe donating money from his paycheck. Simon could make millions less and donate some more money. But hey, at least the show finally did something worthwhile for once. And no, unleashing Constantine Maroulis on the world was not worthwhile. I won’t make fun of the little charity bits on the show, because the kids are sweet and deserve all of the help they’re getting. But I’ll definitely make fun of the corny musical acts

 

Ellen Degeneres is co-hosting because the show wanted to find someone who looked the most like Seacrest: short, blonde, and of ambiguous gender. But I’m sure she’ll do a much better job than Ryan.

 

First Earth, Wind, and Fire start the show with Boogie Wonderland, which is not a life anthem. Looks like the show has jumped the shark in a matter of 5 minutes. Then they launch into Shining Star. This is going to be as bad as all of those other awful telethons isn’t it? Then they get into September, which I don’t think I should insult because it’s my boyfriend’s favorite song. And really, Earth Wind and Fire are pretty good for being so old. So hey, good on them. But it looks like this is going to be just like every episode of Idol- a gigantic VFTW victory.

 

Quincy Jones wrote Time to Care for the Idols. Apparently he isn’t mad that Idol cut him off during his last visit to promote The Color Purple with Mantasia. The Idols sing together and they sound pretty bad because they all have such different voices. There’s too much white on the screen.

 

Ben Stiller, Eric McCormack, and Teri Hatcher all give us little montages asking us to donate as well. I think the producers think that throwing all of these stars on stage will make us donate, but they’re dropping the ball. Just put Sanjaya on stage with a cowboy hat and have him sing Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. I’ll dig into my pockets for that! Why is Sanjaya not here? Oh wait, he’s in the audience, and Timberfake is still on stage. I hate this show.

 

We now get to the results. Melinda is safe, which means we will not have the most shocking results ever. Ryan Seacrest is a lying douchebag.

 

Ellen Degeneres then introduces Il Divo, Simon’s shitty boy band that he’s promoting. Good to not think selfishly during Idol Gives Back to make a quick buck, Man Boobs. And Il Divo is terrible. They’re oversinging the song in their (I’m assuming) typical opera style. It’s a huge VFTW victory! The worst one of all is the first guy who sings and keeps raising his eyebrows in a stupid attempt to look sexy as they sing Somewhere. Seriously, eyebrow dude is hysterical. Remember, this is a real musical group, and they suck this hardcore. It all makes sense now, Simon likes crap like this and doesn’t appreciate real talent like Sanjaya Malakar.

 

Hugh Laurie then tells us all to call, but it’s in his actual British accent. But that’s weird. I’m so used to him talking in an American accent about "the most shocking secret EVER... You'll never believe what one man/woman/kid/dog/salamander is hiding from the world. On an all new House, right after American Idol."

 

Ryan Seacrest then says he’s going to pull a random seat from the audience and let that person come up on stage to introduce the next act. Wouldn’t that be nice to let a kid from New Orleans visit and get to be on stage for a minute? Of course, the seat he pulls is Jack Black’s, and Jack Black already has a microphone. So then he sings Kiss From a Rose, and Simon tells him he was better than Sanjaya. Looks like Sanjaya is still the star of the show. That’s the third Sanjaya reference tonight and second Sanjaya audience shot. How many LaKisha references have we had? Zero. That’s right. Sanjaya rocks!

 

Carrie Underwood, VFTW’s very own Farmbot, then meets with orphans in Africa to sing to them, I’ll Stand By You. I’d like to see how long you’re going to stand by them, Carrie. I’m thinking it’s about a day, as your flight back is scheduled for tomorrow morning. Are you going to serenade them with Leaving on a Jet Plane on your way home?

 

Ellen Degeneres comes back to tell us about her breakfast with Sanjaya. That’s reference number four. Do the producers have to be this obvious that Sanjaya is the only reason to watch the show? Probably. Rascal Flatts then carries on Il Divo’s tradition for the night, taking us from crappy operatic boyband to crappy country boyband. They sing about their Wish. My wish is that Phil Stacey would kick Rascal Flatts off my TV and do The Monster Mash. And this is possible because… Phil is safe! They better not be leading us up to kicking no one off the show. That would be so lame. I didn’t vote for Phil so that no one would go home.

 

Oh goody, it’s time for a Ford ad. Apparently Ford’s contribution paid for this ad. Wait, they pay for that every week. So Ford contributed nothing? And then a bunch of celebrities sing Staying Alive for us. This is such a waste of television. It’s not even funny. And isn’t it tacky to sing Staying Alive when we’re raising money for starving orphans who are dying? Wow, the irony police apparently eluded the Idol producers this week. This is evident again when the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol is played during the AIDS montage in Africa with the lyrics, “If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Forget the world? I thought we were supposed to help the world. Seriously, there are millions of songs to choose from. Pick something better.

 

Josh Groban then comes by to sing You Raise Me Up. He might as well since so many contestants have sung this song on the show. The audience thinks he’s done with the song in the middle, so they start clapping. The kids are adorable, and they actually make the performance semi-interesting, but Josh Groban is still lame.

 

Kelly Clarkson joins Jeff Beck for Up to the Mountain. And it’s good to know that like when she was on Idol, Kelly still can’t dress herself. But she can easily outsing most of the people who have ever appeared on the show, and she sounds great.

 

The Simpsons then mock Idol, and it’s pretty funny. We then find out that LaKisha is safe, meaning either Chris, Jordin, or no one is going home. I’m kind of hoping it’s Jordin, because that would be hysterical. But I’d be just as happy losing Timberfake. After “nasally is a form of singing,” there’s nowhere to go but down.

 

It’s now time for the hologram duet between Celine Dion and Elvis. Who is the hologram? I’m not sure, but I think it’s Elvis. It could be Celine, though, she's looking extra plasticy. They sing If I Can Dream together, and it’s kind of weird and creepy to desecrate a dead man’s reputation like this. And then the Idols arrive to sing backup. The technology is pretty cool, but seriously, I could die and then they could bring me back and place me on American Idol talking about how much I hate VFTW. Or they could bring Ryan Seacrest back after he dies to talk about how much he hates penises. It’s crazy what lies they can make people say. Let’s leave Elvis alone, Idol.

 

At this point, America has raised $30 million for Idol Gives Back. Then suddenly we get technical problems and are rushed away to listen to Annie Lennox. She sings Bridge Over Troubled Water. Really, I’m just bored with this awful show so I didn’t pay attention, I’m not going to lie. And of course I could go back and watch it on my Tivo. But do I want to? Not really. Do you blame me? I’m too busy poking my eyes out with toothpicks.

 

And then after all of this bullshit, no one goes home. What a waste of time. Why did we bother voting? We’re losing two people next week? This is the lamest piece of crap ever. And it’s not shocking because they did the same thing during season two. And let’s all end the show with the Idols singing with Bono. Who cares? Jordin starts off the song, still emotional from the results, so she sounds awful. We need to scare Jordin every week so she sings like this, that would be a VFTW victory. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit when I realized that I wasted 2 hours of my life on this show this week. I don't even want to think about how much time I wasted in previous weeks. My life... is flashing before my eyes... I think I'm giving up on watching American Idol!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding! Wanted to make the haters jump around ;-) 

 

Did Idol just jump the shark? No, that happened a long time ago. Tonight, Idol was eaten by the shark, digested into its stomach, and will remain there for all of eternity.