Top 6 Again- WWGGD. What Would Gina Glocksen Do? Probably Suck.

This week, the Idols take on Bon Jovi, but none of them really rock out. Not that this is a surprise, but they probably all rock out harder than Gina Glocksen would have if she was still around. Oh look, she is still around. In the audience. And Ryan rubs it in her face that she can’t bring her brand of poserdom to us this week. Poor Gina. Sad clown. But enough about her, it’s time to make fun of everyone else.

To Phil “Nospihlatu” Stacey, fake rocking means screaming with a scrunched up face. He decides to scream Blaze of Glory, which as anyone who has watched Idol knows, is not a good idea. You don’t sing songs that have the lyrics “I’m going down in a blaze of glory.” Remember the aforementioned Glocksen? “Smile though your heart is breaking?” It’s just not good luck. Phil Stacey playing rocker is like Paula Abdul playing sober, it’s just not believable. The judges mostly liked it, especially Randy, because he played bass on the song. So that’s why the bass part sucks. Simon Cowell, with a ridiculous fake tan, said that the song had no authenticity and that Phil looked like a bad actor who would not make it to next week. Whenever Simon calls out our pick like that, I make sure to vote overtime for them. That British bastard won’t take our vampire back to his grave without a fight!

To Jordin “Cameltoe” Sparks, fake rocking means big hair with horrible Gina Glocksen coloring. Wow, I’m really talking about Gina a lot. Sorry, I didn’t mean to give you all nightmares. It must have been the bad Chinese food I had for dinner. I’ll never speak of her again… until someone else acts like a poser. Jordin runs in to greet Bon Jovi with, “Like totally oh my God, my mom will flip out!” Great job making the band feel old, you fresh, little sprite. I bet she told Tony Bennett that her great great great grandmother was totally into him. When she ventures into Living on a Prayer, her notes are halfway there. But the low notes are pretty painful. The chorus is good, but everything else is completely out of her range. I am glad that she attempted to rock out this week though, unlike LaKliche. Paula says the word hot 7 or 8 times as she critiques Jordin because she's having hot flashes. Simon says that Jordin verged on shrieking, which she does every week, yet the judges suddenly want to call her out on it. It’d be funny if Jordin was sent packing, but because she was pimped so hardcore last week, I can’t see it happening.

To LaKisha Jones, fake rocking means picking a ballad that could never pass as a rock song, even if Bon Jovi sang it. What a freaking cop out. She wants to show us her slim side this week. What side is that, LaKisha? No matter how you look at it, a barn’s a barn. This Ain’t a Love Song is a ballad with about a 5 note range, so even Gina Glocksen could have pulled it off. OK, I’m sorry. It’s just too easy. Like Gina Glocksen. Sorry! I can’t stop. LaKisha’s lower register is really bad this week, but the judges don’t seem to care, because Bon Jovi said she was good. Whoop dee doo. She even ends her song with a Mantasia “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” trying to be like her baby mama Idol. The judges love it, and Simon wants to kiss LaKisha. But what actually happened was that Simon asked Ryan Seacrest for a kiss, and LaKisha misinterpreted. Poor Ryan, no kiss for him tonight. For an added bonus, watch the last close-up of LaKisha before the commercial break in slow motion. It looks like she’s going to eat you. Mmmmmmm.

To Blake Lewis, fake rocking means dying your hair emo black and taking risks by looking like a gay sailor. Bon Jovi calls it “rolling the dice.” Blake calls it “risky.” I call it the same exact thing he’s done to other songs. At least his performance of You Give Love a Bad Name is different on a show that encourages everyone to never try anything new. And at least the bad British accent is gone… wait, it comes back at the end. But Blake is in his element, so it’s actually entertaining. The judges call it a “leap of faith.” Seriously, it’s as if they didn’t know he could beat box. He does it every other week, people. That’s what he does...besides look like a hobbit and flirt with Chris Richardson.

Speaking of Chris Richardson, to him, fake rocking means making ugly faces like he sucked in too much helium. Oh wait… He decides to sing Wanted Dead or Alive, and it’s painful to listen to. Yay! Chris has by far the worst vocal of the night, even worse than some Sanjaya songs. The background is a cow background, because he’s a cowboy. Get it? Kill me. This is comedy gold here, but the judges all seem to like it for some reason, which is why he’s not the VFTW pick. He says he’s a cowboy, and on a steel horse he rides. Since when is Blake Lewis’s penis a steel horse? I have no idea why the judges liked it, probably because they have no taste in music and are complete idiots. That’s just a guess though. Thanks, Chris, for helping Phil possibly stick around for another week.

To Melinda Doolittle, fake rocking means sounding like the Aflack duck and literally rocking her body like she’s having a seizure. She decides to sing Have a Nice Day. Bon Jovi tells her it’s like going to church, to which she meekly replies, “I like church. And Shrek. And Donkey.” As she sings, she seriously sounds like a duck. Or a chicken. She’s squawking out the notes, and it’s really bad. I never thought she could sound this awful, but I guess she surprised us all. If she weren’t in the pimp spot this week, she’d be going home. Why does she get the pimp spot for the 3^rd or so time, and Phil has never had it? Lame. As she pecks around the stage like a mother hen frantically looking for her little chick, she tries to do some head bobs. But because she has no neck, she just kind of sways her entire body around in a seizure like motion that is far less effective. Then Melinda joins the guitarist and has a seizure on his back. They look like Siamese twins trying to pull apart from each other. Though when they finally succeed, the guitarist gets the entire neck. It wasn’t good, but the judges love it. Isn’t that the theme of the night?

Next, the VFTW contestant from 2000 and 2004 talks with his wife about Idol Gives Back. It’s kind of lame. Doesn’t he have more important things to do?

And finally, Sanjaya Malakar fake rocks us out with Who Says You Can’t Go Home. It’s amazing that he can sing both the guy and girl parts at the same time when he lets his hair sing one part. And the hair… it was hysterical to see him have masculine hair on the left side, all greased back, and feminine hair on the right side, long and flowing. Sanjaya, you never fail to amaze. The vocals are a true VFTW collaboration between amazing and brilliant. But the judges don’t see it that way. Paula throws her bottle of Vicodin pills at him and tells him that she got harassed at the airport because of him. Simon tells him that he says Sanjaya can go home, which is a lame play on the song lyrics. And who can blame Sanjaya for what he did next? I guess we’re lucky a security guard was there to hold Sanjaya back, because he’s one aggressive mother shut yo’ mouth. He would have clawed Simon’s eyes out. But it’s ok, Papaya, you’ll be back next week. I just know you will. And nice to see our Poreclain Princess Antonella Barba in the audience again. I miss her so, if she had stuck around with Sanjaya, this season could have been so much better!

Who’s going home? Timberfake is definitely saying Bye Bye Bye, and LaKliche will probably show us her backside when she leaves as well. But I’m open to any shockers, and Phil could definitely leave this week. So we’ll see! But guess what we won’t see next week? Gina Glocksen. Because she couldn’t even outlast Sanjaya and White Bread Legs McGhee. Truly sad.