Top 4: This Article is Rated BG for Beatboxing Garbage

Holy crap, that was painful. As if the Bee Gee’s music wasn’t hard enough to listen to in its original form, the Idols defecated all over these masterpieces of cheese to create one of the worst nights of Idol yet. And although it was a VFTW victory all around, hopefully it doesn’t spell the end for KiKi.

Melinda Doolittle is up first, singing Love You Inside And Out. It’s boring. It’s good. It’s what we’ve come to expect from Melinda. Simon calls it a “backing vocal performance.” I call it “a cleverly disguised advertisement for Shrek the Third.”

For her second song of the evening, Melinda sings How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, but she doesn’t want to curse herself by singing about rain falling down. Smart move, but then she adds the line back in, teasing VFTW by saying she wants us to kick her out and save LaKisha. It’s boring again, and she throws in a few glory notes to spice it up. But it just becomes spicy boring, not interesting. The only funny part is when Melinda says, “Help me mend my broken heart” and points to her stomach. Her heart is in her stomach? And why bother to fix her stomach when she needs to fix her lack of a neck first? Paula was bored. Simon says that Melinda booked herself a place in the semifinals. And again, I must remind Simon that the semifinals were months ago. I reminded him of this last year too, but he didn’t listen. Even Paul Kim had a spot in the semifinals. Nevertheless, the only chance to save LaKisha is for all Melinda fans to stop voting. So stop it. Go watch her magical adventures with Donkey and the Gingerbread Man on DVD.

Blake Lewis goes second, and he campaigns for VFTW votes by doing ridiculously awful versions of two Bee Gees songs. First, he beat boxes his way through You Should Be Dancing. The rhythm is off and he falls into the trap of actually trying to sing the song in falshitto. The ghost of Ace Young does a golf clap from the side of the stage. The skunk hair isn’t working for him either, now he just looks even more emo. His beat boxing is drowned out by the music, so it’s way less effective this week. Randy calls the beatboxing corny, as if it wasn’t corny the 500 other times he did it. Simon thought it was terrible.

To my utter surprise and joy, Blake decides to beat box again during This Is Where I Came In (Chris Richardson’s Mouth). The vocals are even worse than his first song, and the beat boxing is working even less. He’s trying way too hard to make it work, singing about welcoming us to the danger zone or something. Let’s hope Blake is in the danger zone, KiKi needs the help. Randy tells Blake that he doesn’t have to beat box in every song. Of course last week, the judges told him to beat box more often. Why do the judges contradict themselves so much? Because they’re idiots. This is where Randy’s opinion is tuned out. Paula drunkenly tells Blake he’s a contemporary (80’s) rebel. This is where Paula goes out, falling over and being rushed to the hospital for a Vicodin overdose. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest give each other kissy faces and whine about cutting each other off, and this is where they come out… no wait, they’re just going to hurl insults at each other for the next 5 seasons to hide their obvious lust for each other. I don’t advocate it or want to see it, but I’m sure they could film a porno and get big bucks for it. Some S&M picture called That Was Dreadful, Now Lick My Man Boobs, Bitch or something like that.

3^rd is VFTW darling LaKisha Jones, and she slows down the tempo to sing Staying Alive. Obviously she decreased the speed because she couldn’t spasm around on stage as fast as the song would require. And it’s not as funny at a slower tempo, but I’ll take it! KiKi still delivers a VFTW victory by hiccupping the chorus and making some funny faces. She even peppers her performance with more Mantasia yeah-yeah-yeahs. But the highlight of the song is watching freaky executive producer Nigel Lythgoe in the audience swaying back and forth, pretending to dance while clapping on all the wrong beats. So you think you can dance, eh, Nigel? It’s quite hilarious that the man who judges dancing can’t even move to a simple rhythm, but I’m sure the animated gif will amuse me for months. Paula said that LaKisha brought the mood down. No, Paula, that was the whiskey. Simon tells LaKisha that she’s not getting a kiss tonight and calls her performance scary. I’ll tell you what was scary… Nigel dancing. It’s like this horrible picture I’ll never get out of my head.

For her second song, LaKisha sings Run To Me after making a very scary face in the mirror. The green and black outfit is not working, but the song is okay. I’m slightly disappointed until LaKisha ends it with a terribly off key, hoarse round of notes that help seal the deal as a VFTW champion. They also help seal the deal in the department of judge depimping. The judges want her gone, it’s painfully obvious, so she needs our help.

Fourth, Jordin Sparks has the pimp spot for the 100^th time this season. Her first song is To Love Somebody. Her outfit is too colorful for the song, it’s as if she’s saying “You don’t know what it’s like… to go disco dancing with Paula Abdul on LSD!!!!!” It’s the only great performance of the first four, so the judges go crazy pimping her. They aren’t even pretending that there’s still a competition going on anymore and that Jordin isn’t the pre-selected winner. I’m not even pretending anymore like this show is watchable.

For her second performance, Jordin sings Woman in Love, trying to recapture the magic of her I Who Have Nothing performance. It doesn’t, though. The judges all hate it, but I just think only kind of doesn’t work… sort of like the dress that makes her look like a bloated butterfly. It was a total cop out for her to sing 2 ballads too, at least everyone else attempted to have a little bit of disco fever. Simon said it was “old fashioned and pageanty.” Then when he stops looking at his low cut t-shirt in the mirror, he also says he hates the performance.

Lastly, Sanjaya closes out the show with I Started a Joke. The judges aren’t laughing though, as they only give our papaya one performance, while everyone else gets two. It’s obvious favoritism, and it needs to be stopped. Sanjaya’s 3 foot afro wig is also one of his best hairstyles, and it really helps make the night memorable. Who else could pull off a hairstyle that’s half as tall as they are? No one. And no one could have prepared me for what Sanjaya did at the end of his song… first he jumped around with no neck, then started beat boxing, then fathered a child in under 10 minutes and used that child for sympathy votes, followed by a goat vibrato chorus where he continued to sing “I’m only seventeen” over and over. Folks, Sanjaya just stole the show and proved that he can do exactly what the other 4 can, but better. How can he not win? Well, Simon says that Sanjaya belongs in a circus and even volunteers to get him a job if he quits the competition. Silly Simon, Sanjaya started a joke, and he’s not giving up until he wins. So go make your S&M video with Ryan, because VFTW will keep inflicting the amazing pain that is Sanjaya on America until the finale, so you don’t have to.

Who’s going home? Well we picked LaKisha knowing that her time is likely up, so it’s probably her. But I’ll pray long and hard that Melinda or Jordin goes home tomorrow, because we need some good TV. Are you listening, producers? Everyone hated it when you kicked off Sanjaya. We were right about him. Listen to me this time too. Kick off anyone but LaKisha. You want your show to succeed, right? I’ll even throw in an autograph. I mean hey, I’ve been mentioned on American Idol by name before, which is more than any of the producers can say. I’m famous, bitches, now treat me like the F-list celebrity I am and keep LaKisha on the show.