This show is quickly becoming unwatchable. It’s seriously that bad. I mean, it was always bad, but it’s truly testing my patience to even pay attention, and I’ve never felt this bored in past seasons. That said, Blake definitely held up his part of the VFTW bargain by mixing it up with Sir Mix A Lot, beat boxing, and dancing like a spaz. He was definitely the only thing that kept me interested this week, so a Blake-less finale is a bleak prospect. Let’s analyze the train wrecks of the night.

 

Jordin “Jorbacca” Sparks is in the #1 spot, which for all of you who don’t know, is the cursed spot. For the last 5 years, in every single season, the person who sang first on final three night has gone home. So let’s all cross our fingers that the Wookie has sung her last uhhh… what sound do wookies make again? She’s looking a little less like Chewbacca with her curly hair this week; I have no idea who convinces her to do it straight every week. First she sings Wishing on A Star, and it’s underwhelming. It’s shouty and it’s boring, and obviously it was chosen by the man with no musical taste- Simon Cowell. Simon didn’t even like his own song choice. Why? Here was the moment when he chose:

 

Nigel Lythgoe: (pounding on trailer door) Simon! We need a song for Jordin. You said you’d pick one yesterday.

Nigel opens the door to see Simon thrusting into Seacrest’s mangina.

Simon Cowell: (pounding on Ryan’s back door) I don’t bloody care, can’t you see, I’m busy!

Nigel: Well, pick something or I’ll just sit here and watch.

Ryan: Nigel Out! Nigel Out!

Simon: Fine, Wishing on a Star. Now let me finish with Semencrust here. He likes it when I call him dirty names.

Ryan: Call me dreadful again! Say it!

 

And scene. Clive Davis couldn’t be bothered to choose songs for the contestants this year, because even he stopped watching when Sanjaya went home. Thus, the producers filled in and picked songs. Wow, this show really is going down the tubes, huh? Nigel and company picked She Works Haaaaaard For the Money (the goat vibrato is back). It’s probably better than the first performance. Paula says that Jordin is working hard for the money tonight. So basically Paula thinks Jordin is a hooker. Simon didn’t like the arrangement to this song either. Simon, you produced the WWE album. You have no say when it comes to musical taste. Ever.

 

Jordin’s last song is a reprise of I Who Have Nothing. And again, it’s really good. I’d like to insult it, but she really does do a great job with it. The only funny part is that she has decided to over exaggerate her pained expressions this go round, so now she just looks constipated. The overacting was unnecessary. Simon says he hates that she did such an old song. Jordin fires back that Simon picked an old song from the 70’s for her, so he’s holding her back. Not a smart move, wookie one. While VFTW loves when people insult Simon, the public usually won’t vote for them. Combine that with the fact that she’s in the cursed position, and let’s all hope Han Solo swings on by to take Jordin home tomorrow night. That would be some classic television and it could possibly inject one millisecond of entertainment into the rest of the season.

 

Blake “Emo-Skunk” Lewis is given the song Roxanne by Paula. Blake’s fake British reggae accent works when he sings a British reggae style song, so good for him I guess. The whole song sounds like it’s in the wrong key and Blake ends the whole thing with a cheesy fall down to his knees. This makes him too short to even show up on camera. But when the camera finally finds him, he flings the mic stand and the microphone falls off of it and into the audience. OK, that was a Tivo worthy moment that made the whole performance worth it. I had to watch it at least 10 times. Seriously, go back and watch it, it’s really funny. Loved it. Simon thinks the performance, like Paula’s upper lip wax job, was good but not great. I have to admit, Blake really is kind of entertaining, so I won’t completely tune out yet.

 

The producers pick This Love by Maroon5 as Blake’s second performance. The song does suit his voice, but the performance is kind of boring. I do enjoy his incredibly cheesy dance moves though, they make it all worth it. What I’m waiting for though is some damn beat boxing… YAY! There it is. Thanks, Blake. I knew you wouldn’t let me down. The best part of the performance again is that something goes wrong. The crew mistakenly switches to a camera backstage that is just randomly panning around for about a second. It makes no sense at all, but I’m enjoying the fact that it seems Blake’s stay on the show is angering some ghosts or causing some kind of chaos.

 

For his last song, Blake sings Timberlake wannabe Robin Thicke’s song When I Get You Alone. Kudos to Blake for not making us sit through one of his previous performances like the women did. First though, we’re treated to Blake and Sir Mix-A-Lot singing Baby Got Back. That’s some classic stuff there, I’m surprised and pleased it made it into the episode. But back to his performance, Blake knows his bread and butter is singing songs to the women and gay men who want to sleep with him. Thus, he continues to sing songs every week to the audience as if he’s going to sleep with them. And it’s a brilliant move, because horny teenagers are teenagers who will also continue to vote for him for 2 hours.

 

Melinda “No Neck” Doolittle sings third. This week she admitted on Jay Leno that she reads the internet sites and knows that people call her Shrek and platypus. Hey, good for her for being able to poke fun at herself too. I almost kind of sort of don’t dislike her as much for being boring. She starts off with Randy’s choice of Whitney Houston’s I Believe in You and Me. She starts off really shaky, it’s actually one of her weakest vocals. And it doesn’t get much better. I didn’t know she could sing this poorly. I mean, it’s not terrible, but it’s certainly much weaker than we’ve seen from her in past weeks. She hits one really bad note at one point too. The judges don’t seem to notice that this is Melinda’s weakest performance to date, as they call it her strongest. Then again, they called Jordin’s You’ll Never Walk Alone the best Idol vocal ever. By that logic, Sanjaya has had the least interesting Idol hairstyles ever, Paula has taken the least drugs tonight, and Ryan is the most heterosexual man in show business. Hey, this is kind of fun!

 

Melinda’s second song is Nutbush City Limits by Tina Turner. This is just another odd choice, as it doesn’t translate well to the Idol stage. Dragging around the mic stand a la Daughtry does not work for her, because it just looks like some extra appendage she has acquired to make up for her lack of neck. The whole performance is manic and weird, but I guess if she’s going for Tina Turner, she’s hitting the nail on the head. Randy says that putting a Tina song on her record will lengthen her career, but what needs lengthening is her neck, not her career. OK, fine, no more neck jokes. But just for now. It’s just that with that ridiculous hair tonight, her neck seems to have crawled even further into her shoulders, making her even more of a human bobblehead.

 

Last but not least, Melinda reprises I’m a Woman. She needs to remind us of this fact, because I thought she was an ogre starring in her third movie this summer. But apparently I’m an Ogre is not a song, so Woman will have to do. The backup singers come out dressed provocatively and dancing around seductively, which is pretty funny with Melinda fronting them since she has about zero sex appeal. She does sing it really well though, and since she’s in the pimp spot, she just got her ticket to the finale.

 

But wait, the show isn’t over yet! Sanjaya Malakar comes out dressed as a giant banana and sings the Chiquita Banana Theme Song. Yes! This is the gold we’ve been waiting for. And is that Chris Sligh and Phil Stacey on backup, dressed as an orange and a tangerine? Sing it, Sanjaya! I mean Sanjana, Sanjaya plus banana equals Sanjana. I don’t even care that I can’t see your hair under that costume. But wait, here comes LaKisha, chasing around the fruit on stage. No, LaKisha, that’s fake food! They’re your fellow contestants. Don’t eat them! Oh silly LaKisha, she was just kidding so we could have fun with her. I love her sense of humor. Sanjaya then sheds the banana suit and throws it on the ground. Blake comes out beat boxing and slips on the giant peel, ending the best performance in Idol history. All 4 VFTW picks (and Chris, the honorary pick) take a bow and the audience goes wild! After the performance, Simon pulls out a noose and begins to hang himself. Wow, it’s only getting better. But then Sanjaya convinces Simon that he has plenty to live for, like entering Seacrest’s back door in his trailer. Compelling. This is gripping television and will surely earn Sanjaya a nomination for best actor at next year’s Emmys. I’ve never been so entertained! Oh wait, is Paula saying that she’s joining Pill Poppers Anonymous? And did Randy just admit he’s a bad walking stereotype that fakes his “dawg” act to fill the void in his heart created by a bad childhood? Did Randy just pull out a Harvard degree in English? Who knew Sanjaya in a banana suit would make the best night ever? Well, I did. Duh. That’s why I wrote about it.

 

Who’s going home? It’s Blake or Jordin. And since I need something to be optimistic about, I’ll stick with Jordin since she had the cursed spot. If Jordin goes home tomorrow, I will actually go jump up and down and scream like a little girl. It’s possible though, so if you’re reading this and voting is still open in your area, keep voting for Blake. We need that modicum of entertainment in the final 2. Please. For the love of Sanjaya in a banana suit.