Be Careful What You Wish for, Cause You Just Might Get it, Wookie

I love how American Idol viewers listen to the judges for no reason other than their general incompetence. Jordin stunk up the stage tonight and performed terribly, yet the judges loved it so the viewers will vote for it. What a night! No one could sing the coronation song well, and Idol will have its worst winner ever no matter which way the vote goes. Overall, it’s as if both Jordin and Blake threw the competition because neither wanted to win. And Paula threw herself down a flight of stairs while intoxicated and blamed her dog. Luckily, as Ryan informed us, “the bitch is okay.” Yes, I can see that Simon is okay, what happened to the dog?

First up is Blake, and he reprises You Give Love a Bad Name. It doesn’t really work as well for me the second time around. The whole reason it was entertaining the first time is because it was unpredictable. Now it’s just expected, like “okay, yeah, beat boxing… is it over yet?” Though he is performing it well again, I just wish he’d switched it up a bit. Maybe bring Sanjaya on stage? Hell, even Janay Castine. But Blake claims he’s never watched the show, so would he know her? At the end, he starts spasming like a Taylor Hicks clone or a Jon Peter Lewis impersonator. So he does know his VFTW history. The judges all tell Blake he’s a good performer because they didn’t watch the performance, and don’t feel like actually doing any work tonight, so they stick with their normal lines. Overall though, it was a good performance, like last time. Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson, and company all go crazy clapping in the audience while jumping up and down cheering for Blake. I slowed down the tape and hired a lip reader to see what they were all saying, and here’s what I got:

LaKisha: “Bitch, please, I killed your ass on Bon Jovi night.”

Melinda: “Has anyone seen my new movie? It’s really good, I swear!”

Phil: “I’d rather see you win so I can suck the ample supply of blood from Jordin’s fat neck when she comes to me for a consolation hug.”

Chris Richardson: “I’ll give you a bad name later tonight, Crisco hips! Grrrrrowl!”

Chris Sligh: “Hi, Dave!”

Sanjaya: “Why are they hiding me behind the others tonight? Don’t make me go all diva on your asses. I am Sanjaya!”

Jordin Sparks sings second and opens up with Christina Aguilera’s Fighter. She can’t even keep up with the tempo of the song, it’s going way too fast for her. Because of this, she’s decided to plant herself right in the center of the stage and sing an uptempo song by not moving at all. Good call, Wookie. The vocals range from painfully screechy to horribly out of tune to as-bad-as-Leah-Labelle. And that’s bad. It just makes no sense to pick a song about empowerment and just stand there singing it as if it’s A Broken Wing. Oh, that’s right, she’s relying on that big number later on tonight to get her votes so she’s phoning this one in. The judges are a mixed bag, but Simon calls it screechy. Was he actually listening? No, he just wants to be able to say later on that Jordin improved so she deserves to win. This was not a good performance by any stretch of the imagination, so right now it’s 1-0, Blake.

Blake’s second song is She Will Be Loved, which he tenderly sings to Chris Richardson in the style of Chris Richardson: nasally (which is a form of singing). The big note during the word “Wiiiiiiill” is consistently off key for the entire song, but otherwise he’s actually singing passably. The song definitely has its sour notes, but it’s much better than Jordin’s last song, so I’ll give him a semi-good remark. I wish he’d beat boxed to it, it needed something to liven it up a little. Randy likes it. Paula is a drunk. Simon says it was good but didn’t make much of an impact. Translated into Engligh, this means, “It was good so I can’t insult it, but I want Jordin to win so I have to make up an excuse for you to lose.” I haven’t seen such blatant favoritism since the judges wanted Jasmine Trias out in season three. But then again, we all knew this was coming.

Jordin sings A Broken (Chicken) Wing second, and she sings it while imagining that chicken wing that fell to the floor at Old Country Buffet last night. It’s broken now. No one can eat it. Not even Matt Rogers is going for that thing. Man, you oughta see it get tossed into the trash. This was a wise choice on Jordin’s part, because it was probably her only flawless vocal from the entire season, and she sings it well again. Her lower register usually sounds terrible, but here she actually sounds good throughout the entire song. Randy says that her performance was better than the original. That’s how he thanks Martina McBride for coming on the show and guest judging. He says a 17 year old (did you know Jordin was 17? I didn’t! I wonder why they have never mentioned this on the show) with a shaky voice and a linebacker build is better than a seasoned talent like Martina McBride. Ridiculous. That’s like saying Carrie Underwood outsang Heart. Wait, that’s right, Randy would have said that too. But yes, Jordin was actually good. So now that’s 2 good performances for Blake, and 1 for Jordin. Right about now I miss Mikalah Gordon’s AOL blog. What ever happened to that, she was pretty funny and wrote from a VFTW point of view. I miss Mikalah. She’d kick Jordin’s ass.

Blake’s last song of the night is the crappy winner’s single, This is My Now. Two guys in the audience actually admit to writing this and they show their faces. Not a good move, fellas. You’ll never get work again. Besides, they look like seasoned songwriters. I thought this whole songwriting contest was supposed to be an opportunity to find some stupid girl in Montana who wrote a song about her ex-boyfriend or something. Oh well! Unsurprisingly, Blake sounds terrible on this song, because it was written for Jordin. The only thing worse than his singing is his sparkly vest. Who told him that was a good idea? It’s gayer than Bobby Bennett. Chris S. and Chris R. yell and jump up and down in the audience for Blake, and the crowd goes wild anyway, even if it wasn’t any good. It’s pretty obvious who they want to win (hint: it’s not the Wookie). Randy says the song doesn’t suit Blake’s voice. Simon says that the song was not the type of song Blake should sing. Gasp! Do you think maybe the producers picked that song so Blake would lose? There’s no way! Say it ain’t so! Next thing you’ll tell me Kellie Pickler DID know what calamari was! Oh, the horror. So the judges basically admit that the song was picked so Blake would lose. Nice work, monkeys, you’ll be getting a few less peanuts in your next paychecks. Blake wasn’t good, so he doesn’t get a point. It’s still Blake 2 – Jordin 1.

Jordin closes out her half of the show with This is My Now. Jordin has absolutely no artistic integrity, so she was made to sing songs like this. Unlike A Broken Wing, Jordin starts off terribly off key. Her lower register sounds horrendous. This may be one of the worst performances at a finale ever. At this point in the show, the two losers who wrote the song slowly sneak out the back of the auditorium and pray to their deity of choice that their only work after this won’t be writing songs for the long awaited Anthony Fedorov album. Jordin changes it up in the chorus, choosing to scream and bleat with her goat vibrato, but it’s still as off key as the verses. Oddly enough, Blake seems to have sung this song better. Not that either of them sang it well. But seriously… Jordin sucks. Jordin has one good glory note, but then starts crying and messes up the entire end of the song. At least she gives Lisa Wilson a run for her money as “girl with the biggest damn mouth ever on Idol.” Now what will the judges say after that terrible train wreck? Randy calls Jordin the clear winner and Simon says in this singing competition, Jordin wiped the floor with Blake. No, Jordin will need to practice wiping the floor for her job at McDonalds after she fails to sell any records, but she certainly didn’t sing well.

Boomie didn’t seem very impressed. Even Constantcrap Maroulis gives a half hearted golf clap in the audience while blocking out Melissa McGhee (who? Hey, at least she’s more recognizable than Briana Ramirez-Rial. Yep, there was someone named Briana Ramirez-Rial on the show at one point. For real.) The best part though is watching the other people from this season. Remember how they were all clapping for Blake? Well pause your Tivo and watch as Melinda stares with a pissed off look on her face, Phil makes a goofy grin to keep from laughing, and Chris thinks to himself, “Jordin is so not as attractive as my man.” Even Haley gives off a fake smile. Haley. The girl who was only known for her legs. They obviously don’t like Jordin, and with good reason.

After the judges blatantly pimp Jordin out, even after she blows gigantic chunks, my vote total is 2 good performances for Blake, and 1 for Jordin. Sure her Broken Wing was the best vocal performance of the night, but she can’t even pull together 2 good performances out of 3. It’s pretty disgusting to see the blatant favoritism toward Jordin, but we called it weeks ago. This is why VFTW exists- to help people like Blake Lewis. He is entertaining and he’s getting the raw end of the deal. Jordin is boring, sucky, and megapimped. It’s a classic battle. Will Blake win? Probably not. Even if we vote our asses off, the producers will give Jordin the crown. But hey, it’s always fun to try.

Ending out the show, Chris Daughtry returns to Idol with a scary amount of eyeliner to sing his terrible Idol-loser song, Home. It’s only fitting that if the producers want to crown goat vibrato champion Jordin, they should bring back goat vibrato loser Daughtry. As he sings, we are treated to clips of our (least) favorite season 6 moments. At least we get to see Sundance cry a little more and get a short clip of Antonella. And it all comes together for the night when Chris sings, “Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it all.” Truer words were never spoken, my 5-foot-nothing friend.

Jordin will win American Idol and go on to preach about her anti-abortion stances. Her record will flop even after she loses 20 pounds and attempts to promote a new sexy jailbait image, because song titles like This is What an Unborn Fetus Looks Like in the Third Trimester just don’t sell well.

Blake will not win American Idol, but he’ll make a record full of duets with people like Sir-Mix-A-Lot. He will be prominently featured on VH1’s I Love the 2000’s in the future, though, and will appear as a fun Trivial Pursuit question in an upcoming game.

Question: Which American Idol finalist used beat boxing to cover up his subpar vocals?

Answer: Sanjaya Malakar (he’s the only one we remember).

Sanjaya Malakar will go on to get his own TV show, clothing line, soda flavor, hair salon, and hula dance club. A small town in Vermont will change its name to Sanjayaville, and in an ironic turn of events, the winner of American Idol 27 will come from that town. To make it even more ironic, the winner will be the offspring of Scott Savol and Brenna Gethers, the two greatest living VFTW legends besides Sanjaya. Who knew?

So will tomorrow’s finale be worth watching? Probably. It’ll probably be a VFTW wet dream with cheesy train wrecks all night. Rumors are circulating that Blake will be dueting with the craptastic Katharine McPhee, so that should be worth the price of admission alone. I’d personally like to see a Kevin Covais-David Radford-John Stevens boyband come back and sing Part Time Lover for us. But since we won’t get that, I’ll settle for hearing Jordin murder This Is My Now again one last time, since we all know they definitely won’t be playing that turd on the radio. So congrats, Jordin. But like Daughtry said, be careful what you wish for, cause you ain’t gonna make any money once you sign your life over to 19 Entertainment. Enjoy!

(I was dared by my boyfriend to include every single past VFTW pick in this article. So of course I took him up on the challenge. I had to do something to keep myself from falling asleep while watching the show. Did you catch them all?)