Finale- The Return of Sanjaya!

Here it is, Dave’s False Idols to-the-minute recap of the shitastic finale of American Idol. We all knew Jordin would win, so most of it was boring. And I know most of you watched Lost or just Tivoed this crap, so I figured I’d make it much easier for you to find whatever moment you want to actually watch (hint: the only moments worth watching feature Sanjaya). This is central time, so adjust it an hour ahead if you’re in a different time zone.

7:01 Ryan tells us it’s been 49 hours of TV. I feel like it’s been so much more. Is Simon wearing the same outfit he wore yesterday? Gross.

7:02 Blake sings “Well she was just seventeen” in I Saw Her Standing There. Seriously, two minutes into the finale and we’re already reminded JORDIN IS 17??? OMG!!!!

7:04 We’re treated to another performance from Gwen Stefani. Oh wait, the wording is a little off on that. Hmmm, how about we are attacked with a giant 50 foot club and beaten over the head by the subpar vocals of Gwen Stefani. There we go.

7:11 Kelly Clarkson’s back to sing Never Again. With songs as bad as this one, sung with such a scratchy voice, she’ll never again have a hit. Come on Kelly, you can do so much better!

7:15 Clive Davis claps in the audience for Kelly. Nice try, Clive. We all know what you said.

7:16 The award for best presentation is announced. The nominees are X-Centric (tiger guy), Isadora Furman (orgasm girl), and Margaret Fowler (big bird). Of course Margaret is there to claim her award in her big bird outfit and she makes out with Semencrust. The highlight of the segment is the fact that she forgot to turn off her cell phone so it rings for a good minute, annoying Ryan. She even calls LaKisha “Latisha.”

7:20 The top 6 guys are back, fronted by Sanjaya, the way it should be. They sing Smokey Robinson’s Ooh Baby Baby. This reminds me how truly awful Brandon Rogers was. I wonder if Smokey Robinson will come out to join them.

7:21 Oh look, there he is. And it’s a medley.

7:29 It’s another ad for that band show that’s gonna suck. Hey, at least VFTW will have something to do this fall.

7:30 I didn’t know it was 1987! Blake finally admits he’s not current and duets with Doug E. Fresh. He actually gets to rap and beat box on the Idol stage. Hell, I’ll take it over Jordin’s singing. The highlight is Blake’s high pitched “oh my God!”

7:33 It’s the award for most original vocal. Nicholas Zitzmann (Unchained Melody guy), Sandie Chavez (the unintelligible girl), and Sholandric Stallworth (some old guy) are the nominees. Sholandric wins because Nicholas and Sandie refused to come back and accept their award. Sholandric tries singing Silent Night without a microphone and he’s heard in the back of the auditorium. The producers pretend like they hate VFTW, but stuff like this proves they don’t. This is the VFTW show. For real.

7:37 The top 6 girls perform in ugly nightgowns and Gladys Knight comes out to join them. There’s no Sanjaya so I don’t care. Gina Glocksen is looking particularly manly.

7:40 Melinda and KiKi front the group to sing with Gladys. It’s a wonder they didn’t ask Jordin to join them. That’s right, Jordin sucks.

7:41 David Hasselhoff is in the audience and Chris Sligh won’t get to make him cry. ROBBED.

7:46 Tony Bennett is back to perform. Even Tony has to sing Stevie Wonder on Idol. It must be a rule.

7:49 Another awards goes to best buddies. The nominees are Jonathan and Kenneth, Amanda and Antonella, and Simon and Ryan. I want Amanda and Antonella to win, I love those two! But this is obviously made so the show can look better after insulting mentally handicapped people. I guess God doesn’t like good people. ROBBED again.

7:53 Idol fails to make itself look better when Ryan says that they’re sponsoring a bush baby at the Milwaukee County Zoo in honor of Kenneth and its name is Simon. The audience boos a little because they’re not sure what to do. Yes, booing is right.

7:54 Melinda sings with BeBe and CeCe Winans. It’s finally a group where Melinda looks young.

8:00 The Idols are back for a compilation Ford commercial of the worst moments that couldn’t be used. Until now.

8:01 Blake and Jordin get brand new mustangs from Ford, because they’re  not going to make any money with a 19 Entertainment recording contract.

8:01 Carrie Underwood reprises I’ll Stand By You with absolutely no emotion, since all she can do is stand by you (no dancing is required that way).

8:04 A really annoying violin comes in to the song. Please stop that.

8:05 Clive Davis suddenly decides he’s not too good for Idol and he gives an Idol report card. He says that Katharine and Taylor suck, and that Chris Daughtry is his new butt buddy. Classy, Clive. Classy. It isn’t too late to join VFTW, Taylor and Kat. We’ve got more shirts.

8:08 Clive is still talking. Shut up, Clive. He can’t even get Carrie’s song titles right.

8:09 Carrie accepts some crappy award for selling 6 million albums. She still doesn’t realize that she’s made almost no money from that.

8:12 This cheesy pizza commercial reminds me… where is Sanjaya? That’s right, they’re saving him until the end as always because they know people will change the channel after he performs.

8:14 Oh please don’t remind us of Idol Gives Back. The African Children’s Choir is here.

8:15 This show is killing me. Slowly.

8:17 Good. It’s Sanjaya time. VFTW made this possible for you, so enjoy!

8:18 Sanjaya performs You Really Got Me with Joe Perry of Aerosmith. No other person who finished below the top 3 got to do this. I guess the producers love VFTW after all!

8:19 THE CRYING GIRL IS THERE!!! YAY!!!

8:19 THE CRYING GIRL IS SITTING NEXT TO BIG BIRD, JONATHAN, AND KENNETH AS SANJAYA SINGS TO THEM!!! IS THIS LIKE A VFTW WET DREAM?

8:19 Sanjaya’s hair is being blown by wind. This is amazing. I love it so much. Sanjaya is a god. He is the only reason I didn’t turn off my TV.

8:20 Green Day sing John Lennon’s Working Class Hero to save Darfur. I guess that makes selling out not as bad?

8:25 Did you know a working class hero is something to be?

8:29 Oh look, it’s Taylor, last year’s VFTW victory! This song will never be played on the radio, sorry, Taylor. But hey, he’s singing in tune, and that’s better than just about everyone else tonight!

8:33 Jordin and Ruben Studdard sing You’re All I Need To Get By. This is an attempt to make Jordin look small in comparison. Next up, Jordin sings with a family of elephants. Ruben sounds better than Jordin.

8:41 Oh God… Bette Middler is here. And she’s really off key. The producers really had a hard time finding people to appear on this show, huh? Suicide seems like a better option than watching this.

8:43 Bette has resorted to waving to each person in the audience individually.

8:44 Jerry Springer pensively stares. Did he like that?

8:49 Kelly Clarkson comes out to start a tribute to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

8:51 Taylor comes out to join in. I missed his goofy faces! Seriously, this year’s Idols are barely getting any screen time. I guess the producers know they weren’t interesting.

8:52 Now it’s Farmbot’s turn, so it gets really boring. Will they slip up and just call out Jordin’s name soon before announcing she won? Won’t someone throw a tomato at Carrie to make this bearable?

8:54 Ruben Studdard comes out singing terribly. This is why you don’t want to win. You’d be contractually obligated to do shit like this every year. Eek.

8:55 This year’s finalists come out as backup vocalists. I guess that’s what they’re good at.

8:56 Gina Glocksen signs the line “I’ll try not to sing out of key” in With a Little Help From My Friends. Gina, please, you make the jokes too easy.

8:58 We have two minutes left and we’re at a commercial. Can we just announce Jordin won and get it over with?

9:01 The show hasn’t even ended yet. It’s 9:01. We’re still in commercials. Please end.

9:02 Last night they had 74 million votes. Edward Boddington is from “independent tabulator” Telescope, which is owned by the same company that owns Fremantle.

9:03 Jordin won. So shocking. Wow. I’m so glad I watched this.

9:03:01 Blake is so relieved that he doesn’t have to sing this shitty song ever again.

9:05 Jordin can never sing when she’s emotional. Yay, this is gonna suck hardcore!

9:06 How can Jordin sing about being more than her yesterdays? She’s only 17. Yesterday was when she popped out of the womb.

9:06 Paula cries. Yay!

9:07 Thank God this is over. It’s been a fun season, folks. Wait, not really. But hey, at least it had a few highlights. Thanks to Sanjaya, Antoiletta, Nosphilatu, Sligh, ManBearPig, KiKi, and Emo-Skunk for keeping this thing semi-watchable. What did you think, leave a comment!