On The Lot 2B - Circling The Drain

On The Lot 2B.

Due to an idiotic voting off system requiring us to relive every single

inane quote from the judging panel this show was an entire hour of

CRAP! This was the On The Lot episode that probably pulled the

plug on the show’s oxygen tank. Sure it might chug on for another

10 weeks or so... but I’m guessing they suddenly let Special FX Zack

win on a Saturday night at 10:30 right after re-runs of Married With

Children and The War at Home. I mean, this was BAD!!!

How bad was it? It was an entire hour of time-wasting poo.

There was NO SHOW. Just reading off people’s names until three

people were given parole from appearing on this stupid show any

more. It made me pine for those action-packed American Idol

vote-off shows. At least those had a stupid car commercial that

we could mock. This car commercial consisted of talent-less host

Adrianna giving a plug for Fnord Motors, and a call to action to log

onto their website to “See the ways to escape boredom... not this show

of course.” Yeah, she had to clarify she WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT

THIS BORING SHOW.

Actually the cure for THIS show was to change the channel while my TiVo

caught up. I watched a scintillating hour of network news

featuring stupid whales getting lost up a river and a report on

health-care in Boston. That was freaking Spider-Man 3 compared to

this crap. Okay, the news was MUCH more exciting than Spider-Man

3. Bad example.

The best part of the show was watching hostess Adrianna Costa butcher

HER CUE CARD LINES! Her mic didn’t work for the intro to the show

and she flubbed Carrie Fisher’s name. Fisher! How hard is

it to say that? She managed to stumble over the word

“ever.” That’s the easiest word to say. Say it 30 times

fast right now and you will say it RIGHT EVERY SINGLE TIME.

They added a new fruity opening credits montage with fake Academy

Awards sounding music. Great job guys making an opening credits

FOR EPISODE 4! How’d you manage to whip that up in such a short

time? These people make a friggin’ movie in a day but it takes

two weeks to make opening credits for a Mark Burnett show. The

producers should be ashamed. This show is so amateurish and

haphazardly thrown together that I’d be embarassed for them if I wasn’t

too busy laughing at their suffering.

By the way, the ratings are in for the Monday On The Lot, and it’s grim

news. The show got a 1.8 and a 3 share. That means about 2

million people watched the show... they got half the audience of

re-runs of “King of Queens” and “How I Met Your Mother.” HALF!!!

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Voting off.

I’ll cut to the chase. The top three vote-getters are

unsurprisingly FX Zach, Turtle form Arkansas, and Baldy Will...

Coincidentally two of those guys got screen time in week 1... But I

don’t know why the hell Turtle is there, as his movie sucked.

The losers going home are:

Carolina Spanish Girl with her horrible birth movie.

Claudia Big Boobed, Blonde Italian Girl with her scurrazia film. (Italian for ‘farting’)

British Phil whose burgling emergency call on hold movie wasn’t bad, just not very funny.

Jessica the snotty NYU snob deserved to go home, but there would be

hardly any girls left. As it is only 4 out of 15 Lot-Ees are

females.

But Home-School Kenny makes it. YAY! VFTW! I think my

two votes saved him as Claudia, Carolina and Phil probably all got zero

votes.

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And then the show ends. So we don’t know what movie they’re

making next. We don’t know the guidelines they have to make

it. We don’t know what resources they had to make these

expensive-looking films.

Next week the movies should prove worse as they only have a week to

churn these puppies out. And comedy lends itself better to the 1

minute format. Try making a 1 minute romance, thriller or horror

film that’s any good. Ooh, I have an idea... they should all make

minute-long corporate training videos. Then they’d at least be

getting hands-on experience for their new careers. Or just have

them make 3 minute-long reality shows and string them together, it

would be a major improvement over this dookie show.

Until then vote for Home-School Kenny, or the worst filmmaker of your

choice. Doesn’t really matter as one vote will save them.

--Chan