CI5 Episode 1: Auditions, Part 1: "Tyler, please suck!!!"

The show that made Eva Avila's dream of selling dozens of CDs come true is back! Our host Ben reminds us that Canadian Idol has brought us VFTW geniuses Billy Klippert, Rex Goudie and Jacob Hoggard. He also informs us that Ryan Malcolm is breaking new musical ground, which must be code for non-existence. KatPee and Eva seem to be following the same musical path as well! This year, along with throwing objects at the contestants, the judges now also have the option of smashing their guitars too.

We start off in Toronto, where they show about three seconds of Eva performing for the auditioners and what seems like five hours of KatPee, sounding worse than ever. BTW, CI5 is brought to you by KatPee's new album, as are your barf bags. Our first gold ticket is given to Brian Melo, a decent singer from a grunge band. Zack gives us a VFTW premonition when he predicts that Brian will suck more than we think. We can only hope so!

We then move into the theatre of delusion, as a hideous performance of "White Rabbit" prompts Jake to yell "STOP DOING THAT!!!". We then see Miriam give an even Whiter version of Snow's "Informer". We then meet Naphtali, who gives us this year's fart-audition moment when he lets go a giant loogie before he begins singing. Finally, we meet Yonaton Watts, who's as memorable as Haley Stacey.

As we head to Ottawa, Ben introduces us to new roving reporter Dave Kerr. Roving reporters on CI are like the guys who wear red shirts on Star Trek. Dave asks the contestants what their secret weapon is. Apparently, humor is not one of his. We start with Marc Andre Gosselin, who the judges cordially inform that the audition for 'The Smurfs" is down the hall. Then there's Nic, a White Usher imbreed who makes the judges moan, but in pain. And then we meet Angela Parent, who goes on one of the best lunatic rants we've seen after she's told no, yelling, " I'm here! That's what matters! I'm..." She lost me after that.

Then we see one of the greatest differences between Canadian and American Idol in Melanie Gagnon, a way too over-affected singer with the riffing, goat vibrato, melisma and everything else that is awful, like Jordin. Our Canadian judges "get it" as they describe her type of singing as "vomitous" and "the rollercoaster to hell". Thank God she and others like her aren't passed. Melanie's audition very appropriately leads us into a segment on goat vibrato, missed big notes and more "vomitous" riffing. We close out this segment with Gold Ticket winner Melissa Roy, a country singer from Ottawa with a strangely Arkansas-sounding accent. Everyone in Ottawa sounds like Bill Clinton's Mammy!

As we move to Calgary, we meet country inbreed bumpkin JayDee Bixby, who's so out of a movie that the judges ask, "What year is it in Red Deer?" and "How many family members do you have?". Many, of course! He sings a song that would've been cutsie a 100 years ago and makes the judges drool. They think he's great. We think he's a VFTW candidate!

After meeting "Metal Guitar Guy", we meet "Kung Fu Guy" Harlon, who has a disturbing resemblance to Kevin Covais as he gives us his Martial Arts version of "Baby, Hit Me One More Time". He seems to take the "hit" part literally. And then, in a sweet moment, Nathan, who looks like a JT inbreed, proposes to his fiance after he auditions. Zack then tells her that she has to choose between marrying Nathan or him making it to Toronto. Or at least I wish he had!

Then comes one of the more perplexing auditions, Trevor Paul. He passed but pulled out in Season 2. It doesn't take long to realize he's nuts/stoned as he forgets his lyrics, is given another hour, and is even worse. We wrap up Calgary with our first pimp spot for Brenna Daley, the red head from the ranch who shovels shit and yells at her horse, which she strongly resembles. She sings some operatic sounding Spanish crap and finds out that instead of shovelling shit, she'll now be able to sing it.

As we move to Winnipeg, Jake gives the contestants some invaluable words of wisdom as he tells them "If you want to be remembered, you must be memorable". Nice to see Jake is as useful as ever. We start with Jeremy (16), who gives us a pretty good imitation of Ian Bernardo singing the Pussycat Dolls. While Canadian Idol judges are far too polite to say so, Simon would have told him to put on a dress and go kill himself. We then meet "Death Metal Guys" Dan Legrand and Travis Thompson, who seem more System Of A Clown than System Of A Down. They both pass. You'd say that's miraculous, but this is Canadian Idol after all.

And then the moment we've all been waiting for as we move on to the East Coast auditions in Halifax and St. John's!!! What VFTW gold will they bring us this year! After seeing some coffee house singing crap, we meet Todd Scott, who's a good coffee house singer. Then, a moment of VFTW hope, as we meet Tara Oram, who has Pickler written all over her badly scarred face. After singing an emotionless "I Will Survive", she swears to God that she'll pick more meaningful songs. VFTW will be holding you to your vow, Tara, as we will condemn you to Hell if you bring your fluff.

We then have a couple of my favorite auditions in Ashley Daniels, a delusioned psycho who gives us the worst ever version of "Jesus Take The Wheel", which isn't easy to do. She's followed by Kristi Poirier, who hip-hops and moonwalks her way through Rascal Flatts' "God Bless The Broken Road". We then finally meet someone we can root for in Naomi Joy-Blackwell. She's pretty, sweet, talented and has a Vonzel vibe. Too bad she'll be the first eliminated.

We then get our mandatory dose of emo in Dwight "D'Emo" D'Eon. Goatee? Check. Piercings? Check. Whiny? Check. Talent?...Talent?...Bueller?... The judges then somehow pass through Morgan Donaldson, who stares at the ceiling when he sings. The judges advise him to stare at Sass, or her breasts, instead. And then, the moment we've all been waiting for comes as we meet Tyler Mullendore, our great VFTW hope. And...I'm not sure what to say! His personality, attitude and look are so overwhelming that I couldn't even tell if he sucks. Here's betting that he does! What is clear, however, is that he has some serious VFTW 'tude! When asked to do a song acappella, he said "I'm not good with the technical stuff; acappella, which means?" but he'll do it "if it'll get him to Toronto!". When Zack asks if he's ever seen the show, he responds "Yeah, I've seen it, buddy". While the jury may still be out on Tyler, I smell many glorious VFTW moments and East Coast trolls to come!

That's it for Episode 1 of CI5 and my first blog! The show had a bit of everything, except any singers that I actually liked. But there is great VFTW promise in JayDee, Tyler and Tara and some of our finest Papayas are yet to come!

Stay tuned...

STP (smarterthanpickler)