CI5 Episode 2: Auditions, Part 2: "Martha Joy Sucks!"

The little trainwreck that could continues with the second week of auditions. And now we have Annika's and Martha's friends along for the ride!

Montreal

My hometown always holds the promise of many Celine Dion ripoffs with goat vibrato, missed notes and riffing to spare. Since the French contestants are always the first eliminated on CI, this whole process is a bit superfluous but let's do it anyway! Maybe we'll find a French Papaya! 

Maxime Tremblay proves that not being able to speak English hurts on this show, although it didn't seem to effect Rex Goudie. For those curious, T'es poche means You suck in French. Alexis Dumont starts off with the Darkness' I Believe in a Thing Called Love (how can this not suck!) which Sass sings along with and cracks my TV screen. He then does a really great imitation of Ian Bernardo singing Baby Hit Me One More Time. We then meet Gina Cuffaro, who's 16 but her boobs look much older. Farley suggests that she never sings under a chandelier. Asking if she shouldn't sing anywhere, the judges tell her she can sing anywhere she likes, just not here. And, again, our CI judges prove they get it as they don't pass through Amanda Ferri, who has a nice necklace between her boobs and a decent tone but sings a totally lifeless version of I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Warning: More Whitney to come by someone with really annoying friends). Kira Lina then comes in and, after being warned, sings an even more lifeless, barely audible (Sanjayed?) version of House Of The Rising Sun. The judges say she's too quiet and fall asleep. She tells them that last year they told her she was too loud. Jake gives her a second chance because he clearly wants to bang her and makes her YELL Day-O. This could be this year's Paula Abdul/Corey Clark. We then meet Bruno, who looks like a balder, fatter, drunker version of Tenacious D. with a really annoying accent. And then we meet our Blake Lewis in spoonman Benoit Cliche. After playing the spoons, the judges ask him "Would you like to do something seriously?", he responds "I thought I just did!". Ben Griffin is a teacher who loves teaching so much, he's leaving it to be on this crapfest.

As we go to commercial, I realize that they are regularly showing ads for Katharine McPhee's new album almost every break. On behalf of all Canadians, we are an innocent country, we have no beefs with anyone and we don't want your whore!

We then go into a segment desperately trying to give our judges some cred. We find out that they all did something twenty years ago. But our Sass actually performs and can do her job on drugs far better than Paula. Zack once hung with Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam, which means he's a junkie.

Sass then sings along with Jason Howell on Pinball Wizard, which further cracks my screen. Then, a real yin/yang audition with Diego and Arthur. Diego is wearing a wallet chain big enough to anchor a boat. He goes first, accompanied by Arthur, and gives us screams of death. Then Arthur, who must suck, goes and sings a very pretty song! But I suppose System Of A Down sounds pretty compared to Diego! We then meet Jessyka Lapierre, whose French accent, as a Worster once so eloquently stated, sounds like a cat being beaten in a bag. She sings in French (cheater!) and has a nice enough butt to make it through. As all our French contestants, she has all the qualifications to be the first eliminated.  We then finish with the rest of our gold ticket winners from Quebec, including a curly redhead piano girl who looks like Carrotop and a punk guitar girl who makes Gina Glocksen look feminine. Could these be our French Papayas? We'll have to wait and see!

Vancouver

We then move on to the city by the ocean and home to the most heroin addicts per capita, Vancouver. New roving reporter Dave Kerr has his second chance at humour and is now batting 0 for 2. We meet Abbas "Strings" Khan, who plays Purple Haze, including the part with his teeth. Hey Strings, Jimi Hendrix is screaming down from Heaven for you to turn down the God**** volume and feedback! And then we meet emo champion Liam "Styles" Chang. Liam's voice isn't great, he's a teen from an ethnic background and has funny hair. Hmmmmmmmmm...

Then we get the closest thing we're going to get to William Hung in Samuel Liu, who gives us a Well-Hung version of Kelly Clarkson's Because Of You, crying on his knees for effect. And we'll have to wait for our first Ukanian Idol as Sergiy Z. has the really bad habit of not opening his mouth when he sings. And now, a pimp spot for Carly Rae Jepson, who says that maybe she's too free spirited. Maybe Antonella was too free spirited too! The judges say she's 21 going on 14 but she's cutesy and could be around to annoy us for awhile. We then meet her polar opposite in Victoria, who has a pretty memorable gimmick of singing to her bird with two snakes on her head. It all falls apart when one of the snakes eats the bird and the other snake constricts itself around Zack's neck. And talking about birds, Greg Neufeld is back and he has a new strategy: He's playing guitar so he won't flap his wings. Again, Greg is good looking, cool with a decent voice. I predict he does differently this time around. This time, he'll be eliminated in the first round!

Saskatoon  

We move onward (but not upward) to Sakatoon, which, as we've discovered here at VFTW, means I stepped in moose poop in Inuit. First, Jaydee Bixby's inbreed brother Derrick strangles Mandy, then James Turner does his best Bo Bice with an invisible mic stand and Nathan Groat sings a way-off Braodway version of Music Of The Night. We get our next pimp spot for Ryan Langlois, whose spastic kid can't even score on a two foot basket. He works in gas but now, thanks to the judges, he'll get to pass gas.

Dave Kerr's back trying to find out about Saskatoon's nightlife scene. When asked what people do for fun in Saskatoon, they answer Play in the snow. We then meet Jennifer Kunitz, who looks like a fatter, uglier Chris Kunitz (that's for my Canadian Worsters!). We then get sisters Sarah and Cammy Romanuck, who fiddle Zack along his Country Cruise Ship to Hell! And in a related theme, Steven Tesner gives us what Zack declares as Open mic night in Hell! Zack seems to be pimping Satan more than some of these contestants. But that's resolved with a pimp spot for Joshua Grant, who looks like a mini Rex Goudie. After barely hanging on during Dolphin's Cry, he puts himself over the top by SCREAMING the final line of Oh Canada! If this guy makes it far, VFTW may be screaming Whoa, Canada!

London

We finish up this year's auditions in London, Ontario, which we've all heard of but not sure really exists. Sergio Fazari has a fro and an ugly, fat face that would make Chris Sligh jealous. Paul Jutras starts off with The Roof is on fire, which segues very nicely into Bohemian Rhapsody, which segues very nicely into... We then meet our ugliest contestant of the year (until we meet Creature Thing) in Norm Fraser, who Zack informs that he'd put him through if he were better looking. Then it's time for Kalan Porter's inbreed half-brother Sam "I'm a Schmo" Rominj (16), who comes complete with curly red hair, plaid sweater and shirt, glasses, fiddle and inbreed midget dancer. He sings I'll Be and gets through to Toronto, but he can't bring his midget dancing friend with him.

Next is the closest thing we'll get to Rhonetta in Sharon McCracken, complete with the ragged braids and belly fat hanging over her pants. She sings I Will Always Love You and sounds like Whitney Houston as she's just about to overdose on crack. And talking about fat, delusional people singing Whitney Houston, it's time to meet Martha Joy. She promises to bring us four months of screeching Whitney, Mariah and Celine that would put Jordin to shame. Joy, indeed. But more importantly, Martha seems to strongly want VFTW's support as her friends have been coming here rabidly campaigning for her. And Martha's friends, your wish may come true! Martha's all right-nothing more, nothing less. What won't work is fifteen weeks of her fluff. Canada won't go for her crap, but if she can suck hard enough, VFTW's support might be enough to get her through. We finish this year's auditions with Jessica "German" Sheppard, who seems to be following the KatPee model, all the way down to the frightening stage mother. She blows the judges away enough to make them forget that she forgot the words after the first line. We'll be looking forward at VFTW to following Jessica's journey on Idol and down the road to bullemia.

Well, that's it for this year's rounds of auditions, and just in time. It's now on to Hell Week, where the garbage cans really fly! Will Annika pull a Mandisa? Will Tyler's bong fall out during the group number? Will Jaydee kiss a different sister for each round he passes through? Will we get a lawsuite from Martha's friends? And most importantly, who will be our Papaya!!! From the looks of things, there will be lots of juicy fruit to choose from. Stay tuned...

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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