CI5 Episode 3: Hell Week, Part 1: "Martha Joy: Evil B****!"

Now that the auditions have ended, we're off to Toronto, where every week is Hell Week. We see our pimped ones leaving their farms and massive inbred families for the dream of becoming the next Ryan Malcolm. Jaydee has a new look and has made sure to kiss each of his sisters goodbye. Dave Kerr welcomes the Idols to Toronto, carrying more guitars than you'd see at a squeegee convention.

Round 1

Our judges arrive to meet the Idols and share some pearls of wisdom with them. Sass advises the hopefuls to sing into the mic. Too bad no one was around to give Sanjaya this advice. Dwight "D'Emo" D'Eon starts off the festivities wearing the most trailer trashy shirt he could find. He's hoarse voiced, and horse faced. In attempting to do his best imitation of Jacob Hoggard, Paul Fracasi forgets Rule #1, which is show your ass. Geffery Stone sounds legit on piano but is too walrus-faced for this show.

Next is lead singer of System Of A Clown, Dan Legrand, who says he comes in "trepidation", which is Canadian for "pronunciate". While Dan was able to drag himself out of bed long enough to make it to Day 1, unfortunately his guitar buddy couldn't have been bothered. He does a decent version of Zep's Ramble On until he finishes it with a scream that sounds like Lakisha sat on his nuts. AND HERE COMES TYLER!!!, letting none of his Worsters down by wearing the shades and looking and acting more baked and dishevelved than before! He says he's really into writing songs about things everyone can relate to, "...You know, quitting smoking or whatever the case may be". One song Tyler hasn't written is about quitting smoking doobie. All jokes aside, Tyler oozes spirit and soul and has a star aura. It's going to be a blast watching him on Idol through his smokey haze! We finish this segement with Joel Martin, who instantly gains VFTW cred by giving us a lovely accoustic version of, what else, "Baby's Got Back", better known as "Blake Likes Big Butts (O-O-O-Oh My Gawd!)" 

We come back from break (and more shots of KatPee gratuitously spreading her legs for the World to see) and meet CREATURE THING!!! This is followed by dumberthanpickler idiot Clifton Murray saying "Ah wahn ta bah yar nex Ahmerikan Ah-Dol!". And finally, we get our first honest Idol in five years when some goner declares that he wants to be on Idol because It's the easy way to the top, and he wouldn't have to work too hard! This is followed by a parade of crap which may have exposed this year's weakness: While it's cool that we now have instruments, we may be forced to watch an endless parade of identical, generic coffee house singers.

Christine Hanlon is next and her surprisingly decent version of Bohemian Rhapsody makes Cher Mandel look like an even bigger fame whore than she already was. One of my guilty pleasures, Morgan Donaldson, is next, acting stranger and more like Jacob than ever. It's hard to imagine this kid crossing the street without getting run over five times. The lovely Naomi is next, surprising us by doing Lay It On The Line. She's pretty, talented and really sweet. It's been nice knowing you, sweetie! And next is our country singer from Arkansas via Ottawa, Tara Oram. Not only does Tara look like Pickler, she proves she can be just as annoying, with a fake accent that would put Green Day to shame. Tara has managed to climb the Annoy Meter very quickly, and we haven't even heard from her Newfy friends yet! 

And now it's Guess The Gender Time, starring Montana. Its first bit is ok. I'm sure it'll have no problem working with the group in the next round! It's followed by Maud, who seems to have the buzz of Haley Stacey. And talking about forgetable, we are subjected to the parade of the walking dead in Brian "Way Too" Melo, Todd Scott and Paul Clifford. But CI has saved the best (as in the "Worst"!) for last in Jaydee. Our Great White Hope (Very White!) shows how much he has grown by doing the same song as he did in his audition in the exact same way. Jaydee confesses that this is the only song he knows and he'll be doing it every week, just like how Lakisha did I Have Nothing every week she was on the show. 

Round 2: Group Numbers!!! 

We move into the group rounds, where VFTW legends are often born (I DON'T DO GROUPS!!!) Drama Thing Montana is this year's Brittenum Twins, wrapped all up in one androgynous, annoying package. And thanks to It, Martha Joy is given the "Bitch Edit" (thanks Gabriel!) and in a blink of an eye has just become Amanda Collucio and Canada's Number 1 Bitch! It's been nice knowing 'ya, Martha! One contestant won't practice with his group because he wants to save his energy, while another group forms a Jesus Circle to help them in what is the ultimate battle of good vs. evil, Canadian Idol.

After getting kicked out of its group by vile bitch Martha Joy, Montana finally finds a group it can work with: Itself. We also find out that SOAC lead singer Dan Legrand, with booze mickey in pocket, won't be staying on because, as a rock star, he needs his 8, 10, 15-maybe 20 hours of sleep per day.  Canadian Idol once again (for the millionth time) shows its superiority to AI by giving the groups good songs to work with instead of picking them out of Clive Davis' butt. Jessyka Lapierre proves once again that not speaking English is a problem as she forgets her words and can't be saved when she still can't read them ON HER HAND! She blames her failure on the fact that I don't Breakfast. The next few groups bring us Most Annoying Name Of the Year in Venus Bertrand and VFTW Wish He'd Made It in Jordin Robitaille.

One thing noticably absent from this year's show so far has been any random acts of violence by Zack. This was all remedied tonight after Zack, having seen one lifeless group after another, ran up on stage during Liam's group number and began literally manhandling the contestants, shaking them around as they were singing, checking for signs of life. The judges try to give the Idols some advice in order to get them to step up. The young lady I'm watching the show with wisely observes "The CI judges give good comments, not like the AI judges, who say 'You're The Best' or 'You Suck!". Jaydee's group is next and he takes hickdom to another level when he changes a line in The Eagles' song Take It Easy to Standing on a corner in Philadelphia! PGA (Paul/Greg/Andrew) are next. What would've been more appropriate would've been a group of Greg/Andrew/Yanni. And then it's time for Coffee House Mania! as we get an awesome version of Listen To the Music, followed by an equally awesome, closest thing to soul we're going to get with Khalila G's group doing What's It Gonna Be.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: Martha's group. And as sure as the sun rises in the East, Martha's group lays the bomb of the year so far. Yes Martha's friends, your Idol is going to be the biggest thing ever...for VFTW!!! Annoying song choices? Check. Bitch edit? Check. Massive bomb performance? Check. Martha is one Corpsey Lebland-missed note away from becoming our choice. And finally, we have Montana making Idol history by performing the smallest group number ever. And then it strikes me...As you know, I live in Montreal, just like Montana. I knew I had seen it somewhere before but I couldn't place it. Then I remebered: Montana is the thing that squeegees my windshield on my way to work every morning!

As we come to the end of the group numbers, we see that most of our great hopes are still around but we'll have to say goodbye to Brenna, who's back to Plan B, shoveling shit. See you in Hell, Death Metal Guy. Salut, Jessyka! But of course what we really want to know is if Ultra Bitch Martha Joy has survived despite dropping a nuclear bomb in front of the World and will Montana be moving on to the next round or squeegeeing my car tomorrow morning. And the answer...will have to wait till tomorrow, as CI gives us a cliffhanger that would make Ryan Seacrest momentarily stop oogling his lover. While the answers to these questions will have to wait (they both make it!!!), what doesn't have to wait is declaring that after only three weeks, CI5 kicks AI6's butt! Make sure to come back tomorrow night, as we find out who will be the final 22 competiting for our support and how a team of talented producers can make Martha look even more evil and hated than she already is.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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