CI5 Episode 4: Hell Week, Part 2: "I'm Gonna Puke"

As we continue along Hell Week and the judges choose the Best of the Best, VFTW begins to lock in on who's the Worst of the Worst. We were left hanging last night as to the fates of Ultra Bitch Martha Joy and Squeegee Thing Montana. CTV shows its Worseness by replaying Martha's Bitch Edit and bomb performance from last night, just in case she had one fan left. The judges make VFTW's job much harder (but so much more joyful!) by keeping these two around.

Round 3: Duets

Annika finds her partner because they both had no one to perform with. Her partner thinks it's going to be romantic. Obviously, he hasn't read Annika's MySpace, as a duet with Annika is as romantic as one with Mother Theresa. Bianca Schmutz is more like Bianca Schmuck for teaming with Tourettes poster child Morgan Donaldson. Because he's married, Ryan Langlois is uncomfortable doing a romantic song with a woman so his child will have to see his father do a flamingly gay duet with a man instead. And Derek Hoffman raises his Freak Flag to full mast as he purposely pairs with Montana, probably to make himself look a little less decrepit.

Tyler Mullendore gets his first ever early morning wake up. He says he'll be a minute; he just has to let his bong cool down. Clifton is running late as he is covering his blotches. We begin with Paul Clifford and Christine Hanlon, who looks like she's going to kill someone at any moment. And Ryan Langlois and Aaron Reed prove that nothing says I Love You like two men doing a duet. Naomi and Dwight are next, who Zack orders to Jump! Dwight is absolutely lost without his guitar and consequently has arm movements remeniscient of Janay Castine. Clifton and Emily Chambers are able to tap into the mood, probably because they are tapping each other. Two people who are definitely not tapping each other, Annika and Sam Rominj, are next and this has all the sex appeal of Jaydee kissing his sister. And Morgan fully unfolds his Freak Flag, as he takes yelling Doo Doo Doo, La La La to strange and new places. And Ben Griffin has placed his faith in Heidi "Carrot Top" Jutras, whose chances of making it on this show are as great as those of Montana convincing us it's female.

And speaking of Montana, it's next with its partner in freakness, Derek. The judges wonder how these two found each other. We find out they bumped into each other in the gutter, bending down to pick up a dime. Temporary lovers Justyn Wesley and Scarlet Burke are next, proving that having sex with your partner does not necessarily improve your singing. After Khalila G. and Matt Rapley give us some Jesus Music, we must deal with devil incarnate Carly Rae Jepson and her partner, Geoffery Stone. It's taken the judges two performances to figure out that Carly, with her drama, batty eyelashes and fake tears, is a total fake. They order her to remove her hat and scarf. In trying to capture the full Idol spirit, Carly then removes her top and pants and now looks like Haley Scarnato. The duets round wraps up by us finding out that while Aaron is staying, his partner Ryan Langlois is going home and will have to explain to his child why Daddy was singing with a man. Clifton will be staying on to receive more tips from CI's skin experts. While Annika will be staying thanks to Jesus, her partner Sam must be a devil worshipper as he'll be going home. Montana and Derek are staying and will get to take out the other Idols' garbage to earn their food. While Justyn and Charlotte will be able to continue making babies, Bianca and Morgan will have to leave. Zack has great sympathy that Bianaca had to sing with a mental case.  

Round 4: Final Solo Performances

Naomi realizes that her singing might not be enough, so she starts wiggling and jiggling all over the place, which may explain why she got pregnant. She comes out of nowhere to make herself a VFTW contender by forgetting her words and missing notes that would make Corpsey Lebland jealous. Brian Melo wants to be our Anwar Robinson by doing a Natasha Beddingfield song. Teacher Ben Griffin will be laughed out of his classroom by his students after his performance. Khalila G is pretty, soulful and has a good vibe, which means she'll be this year's first elimination. Carly Rae is faking it more than ever, but what isn't fake are all the notes she's missing. Clifton has something in his mouth, which is either a tuning harmonica or a meth pipe. Sass calls Tara out on being pure kitsch. She's trying to sound like trailer trash! Ritchea, with her bug eyes, "Insert Don Imus comment" hair and flailing arms, makes me yearn for Janay Castine. Tyler is one spastic dance move away from becoming Tyler Hick. And Dwight looks like a Penis With Hair! Andrew Austin SCREAMS Saved By A Woman, and Rex Goudie thinks it sounds great! Annika proves that her Idol is Ashley Coles with her version of Breakaway that even Jesus couldn't save. Kamila Miller may be our Canadian Pickler, as she can't get the lyrics out, even when reading them on her palm. Paul Clifford is from Britain or somewhere and should be deported for his performance. Martha Joy is a bit nervous, perhaps because she searched "Martha Joy Canadian Idol" on  Yahoo.com and found our site listed on top! And we finish with Jessica "German" Sheppard and Christine "I'm Gonna Kill You" Hanlon, who are as sick as a contestant on Search for The Next Pussycat Doll. Jessica's stage mom makes KatPee's and Lindsay Lohan's look like the hands-off types.

Top 22: Get the Chair!

The drama builds to a crescendo with the chair round, except Canadian Idol can't afford a chair so the contestants have to stand. The moment has arrived when we find out which 22 will be competiting for the honour of being VFTW's first candidate of the season. Tara Oram, who is rocketing up the Annoy Meter, will be around to bring her Mississippi via. Newfoundland via. Ottawa twang to Standards and Barenaked Ladies night. Paul failed at this point last year and proves that he's consistent by failing again. Heidi doesn't make it but can try again next year if she gets a face transplant. We then see a parade of losers who will be serving you your hamburgers tomorrow afternoon. Brian wanted to prove he could compete and will now get his chance to prove that he can actually sing. Partners Khalila and Sherelle (which I'm sure I mispelled!) are next, and while Khalila makes it, her partner now has a broken heart and ego to go with her broken leg. Then another parade of failures, who fortunately get to keep their guitar cases for you to throw dimes into. Greg either has a massive sweat stain or the all-time ugliest decal on his shirt as he finds out that winter is over and he will get to flap his wings once again. And Justin will now be able to get a prettier girlfriend because while he moves on, his lay-of-the-day Scarlet must leave. Annika yells out God Bless You after she makes it and then joins Derek's friends to condemn all those with Evil Lifestyle Choices to Hell. Kamila and Liam make it next, tied by their crappy hair and even crappier voices. Ritchea Hodge is given to VFTW as bait to attract our racist trolls. Sass asks Derek if he's a poser. He answers that he's a question mark, but we already knew this from his myspace profile. Martha could win Largest Zit Idol but will be given another chance to be berated by Zack, who warns her that he's going to be worse than the people at VFTW. Our teacher Ben hasn't made it and won't be able to go back to work as his students will now view him as a failure.

And next, the moment of great anticipation as we learn Montana's fate. It's a freak, gender-unknown social misfit. It's perfect for the show! Montana gives a breakdance of joy and parts with its escort, who's taught it the ins-and-outs of the sqeegee business. Tyler's next!!! The judges ask him if he thinks he's ready, and he slurs I've been eating, reading, um....disposing of this stuff since I was four years old. And now, Tyler will get to dispose himself to the rest of Canada. We get our next parade of losers who have reached the end of the Universe, being cut on Canadian Idol. Maud is next, giving us three girls from Quebec, which means it'll take two weeks instead of one for all the Quebecors to be eliminated this time around. Carly Fake Jepson makes it and breaks down, giving us an acting performance worse than Constantine Maroulis. Matt Rapley will be here to teach us about Jesus and bloat into our Ruben Studdard. Clifton will get to work with Canada's best makeup artists while Dwight will be able to work on his CrazyArm. CI once again shows its Worseness by editing it so as Naomi says she lost control, we simultaneously see her slipping on the stairs. She'll have a chance to show her worth, unless she gets pregnant again. CI proves it supports VFTW by passing Jaydee through, even though he knows only one song.

We finish with the final pairs, where the one not chosen will forever be hateful of the person who made it ahead of them, like Marisa Rhodes. While Andrew will get the chance to be the first contestant eliminated, Paul will have to leave the country withen 30 days. And we finish with sickos Christine and Jessica. And it turns out Jessica isn't the greatest singer ever in the history of the Universe, as she will have to tell her stage mother she didn't make it. And as any good stage mother would do upon learning that their daughter is a failure, she runs away from her daughter as quickly as possible, yelling I'm Gonna Puke!

Well Worsters, we're all going to be able to puke together starting next week as the crapfest really begins. Ben informs us that since this taping, one of the finalists has dropped out, giving us premonitions of VFTW Gods Chris Labelle and the Brittenums. What happened? Could Tyler not get his stash sent out in time? Did Jaydee get arrested for incest? Has one of Derek's friends been arrested for hatecrimes? Is Clifton back on meth? Has Martha's zit gotten too big to enter the room? Or maybe Montana has entered The Universe Of Sanjaya! The answers to these questions will have to wait until next time, by which time I'll have had my windshield cleaned one final time by Montana before she moves on towards VFTW immortality.

Stay tuned as we make our pick immediately after next week's performances. While the journey along Canadian Idol is always bumpy and unpredictable, the one certainty is that VFTW has its finest crop EVER to choose from.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send a message or go pray with Annika and Matt for forgiveness.