CI5 Episode 5: Top 11 Boys: "Tyler Mullendore 'Lights it Up' For VFTW, Buddy!"

Oy vey, what a train wreck we've got ourselves this time! Oh wait, that's not news...it's been a focking train wreck every time! I went to audition during the Calgary auditions and failed miserably, but this is what they came up with?

Jaydee - Can we all say, "Kellie Pickler redux"? I think I saw him at the Calgary auditions -- country bumpkin then, country bumpkin now.

Clifton - All I remember was some chicken-like waggling (seems like a very consistent theme tonight), I was suffering from cholesterol overload from what French Canadians may call, "le overloade du cholesterol a la fromage"

Derek - The song he sang I remember was once used on a Lego commercial. Anyone remember Lego? They were cool, but a pain in the arse when a piece goes AWOL. Derek's just like that, but sans the cool part, just a pain to the ears.

Justyn - Unfortunately, I missed him. I'll be honest, I was in the washroom (no, not washing my brain clean, that would be AFTER the show)

Dwight - Like Chris Daughtry, but add some Kevin Covais. The result is this. Nothing else needs to be said.

Greg - Sweetheart, I'll be honest. Why did you bother to fight through the Hell Week, only to simply write your own boarding pass back home? Maroon 5 plus cheese (seems like another theme du jour) equals bad.

Tyler - Doing a poor job of a Stones classic is bad enough, but to do it a la Elvis? Shame on you Zach Werner for egging him on, or is it just a clever plan for him to create someone to pan down the road?

Andrew - A goth-less version of Marilyn Manson is like sugar-free Red Bull: both are unpalatable (although the original version of the latter is gold) Plus, he also cannot sing, just like Manson. Coinky-dink? Methinks nay!

Matt - Unremarkable. Not horrible, not good. He's definitely gone, yep.

Brian - See above. Does anyone see how he sort of looks like Mikey Bustos from Season 1, you know, the one where...what's his face...glassed busboy...gah, can't remember his name...won. Yeah.

Liam - And they toss Liam to close the deal, and Mr Chang simply drops the ball. Being Chinese, I must apologize for us for inflicting him on you. Trust me, when you've seen the so-called "New Talent Singing Contests" that the local Chinese network hosts, Liam would fit right in...to the backstage!

I have to agree with the VFTW pick that has been made, Tyler is definitely a Sanjaya in the making, regardless. Liam, not far behind. This season has "scraping the bottom of the barrel" written all over it, with all the men tripping over each other to be the new Taylor Hicks or Sanjaya Malakar.

Let's see what tomorrow night pans out.

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Hey Twisted, your review is making me look bad!

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Just kidding! Funny/interesting stuff. We'd love to hear the full dope about your audition experience and who you met, every detail, unless it's Joel again.

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Your review makes me realize: I should probably mention something about the <em>singing</em>. Maybe next time!

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Oh, come now -- it wasn't that good!

The audition? Well, let's just say it was two days to (sorta) remember. For one I did it for the shits and giggles, don't get me wrong I'm no singer, but at least I went and did it. It was the second day of the auditions in Calgary, and I had taken the train down in blowing snow to get to the location. The line was mercifully short, registration was surprisingly fast -- I guess trying to herd out the riffraff ASAP I suppose?

Anyway, then we were grouped into groups of twenty, and then broken into smaller groups of five. We then met with the first test, which was to perform for a producer. There was a guy who was clearly a rocker doing CCR, and a couple girls, but somehow, SOMEHOW I snuck through with Joni Mitchell's Carey. I thought to myself, this must've been a fluke. Myself and another girl got through, and it was off to the second round.

And that was where the long wait started, and it went on and on and on...I think I had five cans of Red Bull during the wait, and it jacked me up. That and eating no solid food from the nervous waiting sorta kept me in the limbo-land between nerves and insanity. (To this day, I still wonder why I didn't go to eat -- I think the mall's food court was not too good, and besides Red Bull and Starbucks was good enough)

Then, it was my turn. I then whipped out a bad excuse (which was thought up and hammered out as I waited) that I was here to undo the damage William Hung has done to us Chinese (and looks like next year I'll need to clean up after Liam -- goddamnit!) and that we are marginally better than he is. One okay version of Mama Cass's Make Your Own Kind of Music later, and it was off to the Judges!

Another long wait and I think a chance meeting with Jaydee Bixby later (I think he went a few rejects ahead of me, but we never talked), and nerves were finally catching up to me. I never knew it was so nervewracking, even if it didn't mean anything. I faced the judges, and within 10 minutes I was out of there -- I did win sorta-praise from Jake Gold though, claiming I'm actually a bit smarter than William Hung and better looking. Um, thanks Jake? Sass said nothing, Zach said something I can't remember, ditto for Farley.

I think in the end I got half a second of airtime -- I was the jumping guy facing the door during the Calgary auditions. That was actually real nerves getting to me. Seriously! And thus ended my Idol experience.

...God, am I waiting for the Bad Rejects show, if they have one -- I am SO there! :D

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Very interesting! I'm sure our members will appreciate it. Fun story to tell the kids when you get older!

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Don't be afraid to post on the boards as well as here.

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Yeah, good times to be had by all. Save for the starvation part and missing two days of work -- but I did get my fill of the shits and the giggles. Especially the giggles. I also got to sing in Cantonese, which I surprised myself even that I remembered all the words -- the Judges were sort of amused at that.

Oh don't worry, I shall be doing so much more! Always a fan of this site, had been on and off this board for the good part of 3-4 seasons of American and Canadian Idol.

Fascinating tale there, Chinaman! Would you go back and reaudition next year, for the fun of it?

STP, awesome as ALWAYS! The head bobbing line made me snort liquids all over my desk at work You are SO naughty and very, very funny.

Here's the results from Lithuania....sorry, was channelling Eurovision there, Idol always reminds me it's the poor cousin to the annual trashfest of schmaltz.

Here's my views on today's performances:

Farley basically told Derek that Derek appeals to music pirates - who don't buy music. Bloody hell every note was pain and bad and horrible. Totally a mess, in a 'put it out of its misery' way.

Jaydee - He managed to squeeze in a "thank you very much" at the end. NO MORE ELVIS. Learn to move like you don't actually have a mic stand up your butt, it's painful, you look like a robot. And move up a couple decades in songs next week, for your own safety, you are already in Elvis impersonator territory.

Dwight - get rid of the clichés rock god outfits, you look like a walking stereotype yet want to branch out. Try a suit next week. Is he a hobbit? He looks very short next to Ben. Hated his "singing", he sounded like he was in pain.

Justyn - why didn't you just sing "I am woman" because that's what you are, jesus. Sounded like something you'd hear in the back bar of a bistro, with only grandmas as an audience.

Greg - boring, dull and boring, something from karaoke night at the pub. No one could screw that song up much, it was safe and boring. Bunny chicken boy! Hahahh he is so hyper-aware of his chicken wing! He must be reading VFTW.

TYLER ROCKED! HAHHAHAHH I pissed myself over that - he HAD to be STONED. We definitely picked the right one, that was awesome

Someone please kill Dave Kerr, he is not funny.

Andrew - flat and painful, and so unco, do not dance ever again. And stop staring like that, unblinkingly - you look even more like a serial killer.

Matt, I think you actually eat, sleep and shit mars bars, not music. You look twice your age due to your size. And you are BORING. And flat. Try to hit the right note every once in a while.

Brian - I believe some of your lunch was still on your chin, wipe that, would you? Is this guy a young Lou Diamond Phillips (La Bamba era) lookalike, ya think? Sings in tune but looked so mechanical and flat - that was a rock song but he moved like he was singing a ballad.

Liam - his hairdo reminds me of a pineapple. Both his parents are hairdressers....you mean there's a straight male hairdresser? Really? And what a a strange version of a classic. You sounded very whiny, and moved like you were drunk. Not even good/funny drunk. And the dancing whilst Ben was speaking - well we now know Liam is gay.

Clifton - boring bland and flat as a tack. And your hair is emormous, I find myself staring at the top of your head, waiting for an animal to jump off it, more than I pay attention to that irritating noise coming out of your mouth.

Here's hoping Matt and Andrew go. Both are the blandest, followed by Clifton and Greg. Leave the rest, they amuse me.

The stars were aligned in my favour on my home turf in Calgary -- not so sure if it will happen again in Deadmonton if I have to go up there. May end up being a wasted trip, or not. I may just have to take that roll of the dice as it comes (I also may be in New Zealand during that time next year, Test cricket is very important too)

But for now, I'm content with joining the VFTW crew through this season!

"Judge Farley is sporting a hoodie that Liberace would wear if he were a teen today"

thank you STP for the mention of Farley's attire!!

and Tyler, Tyler, Tyler - I was actually afraid for him a couple of times because I thought he was going to fall flat on his face or butt - he was wobbling around the stage there pretty good. Lucky he didn't fall over when he whipped his shades off!

Hope the girls actually give us someone to vote for because if one of those guys becomes the next CI it will be quite pitiful..............

Well tonight should be entertaining. We now have a Jamaican massage Ho that shows her boobies on My Space added to the competition! Sorry Scarlett, there is and will be only one Blessed Saint Antonella!

On the plus side, we our skateboarding, cuddly Montana that will show up the plant that slammed the door in her face at the hotel.

Montana &; Tyler will go far!