CI5 Episode 6: Girls Top 11: "Maud Coussa-Jandl' Means 'Crap' In French"

Now that we've met the Boys, there's nowhere to go but up as we meet this year's Girl Idols (and next year's Playmates!). VFTW has great hope for Sk8rBoi Montana Martin Iles but is always open to someone who may be even crappier or more freakish than her. Ben has reached deep into Truman Capote's wardrobe for his outfit tonight. VFTW Buddy Tyler Mullendore is hangin' in the lounge, looking cool as he's having an epileptic seizure.

Tara Oram

First up is our very own Kellie Pickler in Tara, who for reasons that could never be justified to me, pretends that she's from Newfoundland. She's pimping her homeland more than Hitler. She has enough makeup on to serve as the foundation for a tower. She gives us our first Pickler Food Moment by telling us about some stupid dish only some dumb, trailer trash bleached blond would eat. She's continues her tribute to Pickler by managing to make the chessiest song ever, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, even worse than it is with her fake twang and Kellie winks. As she has from the start, Sass calls Tara out for being pure kitsch. Despite hitting a ten out of ten on my Annoy Meter, Tara is a blond Newfy piece of Trailer Trash, and that alone will buy her a spot in the Top 10.

Martha Joy

As we go to break, CTV shows it's Worseness by pairing together VFTW sweetheart Montana and the vile, evil entity that broke her heart, Martha. I still don't understand how Martha is in the competition as I thought the age limit is 28 and tonight she looks 78. She hops on the Antonella Barba bandwagon by singing Aerosmith's Don't Wanna Miss A Thing and by not vomiting onto the judges' laps, does a better job than our Potty Princess. While Martha has decent skills, she has all the feel and warmth of a tombstone. Zack, just like VFTW, has been on the ball from the start, realizing that Martha is a mediocre version of something that went out of style ten years ago. Martha's young enough that what she does may one day come back into fashion, say in another 80 years.

Montana Martin Iles

And now, the moment we've been waiting for ever since it skateboarded into our lives, Montana. Rarely has a candidate ever given rise to so much VFTW anticipation as her. She tells us she's not emo, she's not punk; she's Montana, which is a combo of emo and punk. And she gives us one of the greatest ever VFTW letdowns by being incredible! While Montana has all the outrageousness and then some to be our pick, this performance was a major VFTW turnoff by being original, current and authentic, something which cuts off our blood supply. Our love for our Sk8rGrl remains, but she'll have to give way to far crappier performers yet to come. Sorry Montana, you should've sucked more. Ask Derek; he'll tell you how.

The Artist formerly Known As Kamila Miller

Next is 'Mila Miller, who says that she changed her name because she doesn't want to be confused with Khalila. This should all be alleviated by next week as all our Black contestants will have been eliminated. Mila is a 17-year-old cutie, Foxey Brown look-a-like. She confuses Canada by bringing an element to her version of Mary J. Blige's I'm Going Down that Canada is very unfamiliar with; soul. Zack is so blown away he can't stop talking about her hair and the stripes on Jake's jacket. Mila brings an element that's been desperately misssing on CI. Too bad she'll be gone by next week.

Maud Coussa-Jandl

Every year, there are certain semi-finalist that get little if no exposure before they actually perform, allowing them to slip through the cracks. Every once in a while, we get an Elliot Yamin who comes out of the shadows to blow us away. And sometimes we get what Maud gave us tonight, a Bobby Bennet debut so bad it even catches VFTW by surprise. For the first time ever, Maud made me ashamed to be a Quebecor as she gives us an atrocious version of a Cranberries song. Add to that spastic dancing and microphone caught in hair, and you've got a VFTW choice, boys and girls! We didn't know what to expect from Maud but surely no one expected this disaster. At least we no longer have to wonder what Coussa-Jandl means in French.

Annika Odegard

And next is this year's best bet to become Pope, Annika. She's also been kept somewhat hidden away by CTV and, unfortunately, they unwrapped the covers tonight. It's clear that Annika, like her friends, visits VFTW as she must know Ashley Coles won our performance of the year last year and goes out and lays a turd almost as smelly as Maud's, sans the freaky dancing. Zack exasperatingly declares that this isn't Miss Teen Canada and Jake describes it as limp and cheesy. This comment reminds me about a joke about my old college roomate but we won't go there. While I wanted Anika to be our pick, I know that she will continue to suck and eventually win my Brother and Sister Worsters over.

Naomi-Joy Blackhall

Naomi is a very pretty, young black single mother who, naturally, is into Heavy Metal. She's wearing a pair of 'F*** Me' boots that she must have been wearing when she got pregnant. The whole thing makes her look like a character out of some VFTW fanfic story. And to the great disapointment of all of VFTW's dominatrixes/S & M'ers/B & D's, etc, the only thing Naomi whips is her chance on this show as she's awful. Sass gives her the ultimate kiss of death, known as You look amazing! Zack describes it as being in the Key of 'HUH? It's so bad, the judges painfully utter the Pitchy word (you can tell they hate the AI judges!). But everything in life's a mixed blessing; while Naomi's time on this show may be running out, it won't be long until some lucky East Coaster will be getting their regular whipping again.

The show moves to a segment on CI's hair stylists, who long ago entered The Universe Of Sanjaya. For those who enjoyed Sanjaya's freakish styles, wait 'till you see what Canadian Idol has in store for you! Canada shows it's tolerance once again as CI's main stylist is a Tranny

Christine Hanlon

And speaking of trannies, Christine is next. She sings Sarah McGlaughlin's Possesion and looks like Kati Durst has become a mass murderer. Christine proves that it's not only in pictures that she looks like she's about to pounce and scratch your eyeballs out. Zack is so concise as he describes it as so wrong. The judges want her to bring more edge. More Edge? Should Tyler be more stoned? Should Jaydee be a bigger hick? Behind all the glares is a decent voice but all the teens who weren't scared away by Montana's performance surely will be by Christine's.

Scarlett Burke

Last minute replacement Scarlett is next, giving us flashbacks to VFTW Hall Of Famer Chris Labelle, although her myspace makes her more Antonella Barba than Chris. Anything that may have been erect instantly becomes flacid as Scarlett proves she's no Chris Labelle by being bland, generic, predictable, boring, unamusing and unmemorable. Justyn may have to get a new girlfriend after this performance. And Jessica Sheppard's mother must be puking more than ever as her daughter gets passed over for one disaster after another. It wasn't bad enough that her daughter was worse than Ritchea Hodge, now she's worse than Scarlett Burke.

Khalila G.

I have a special place in my heart for Khalila as I've put money down that she'll be the first contestant eliminated. She's pretty and expressive in a low key way. She does Family Portrait and has enough soul yet isn't being over-the-top in the way that makes us puke. At the very least, she's middle of the pack. Just one question: Who's voting for her? We know that being French or Black on this show is the kiss of death. She's got the double whammy. Khalila probably deserves to advance tomorrow and while many will be saddened if she goes, VFTW's pain may be alleviated by trolls blaming us for her departure and calling us racists.

Carly Rae Jepson

This year's first pimp spot is reserved for chosen one Carly Rae, who says she's 21 and from BC but is so fake, nothing she says can be believed. Grandpa originally wanted her to be a golfer but changed his mind when he found out how much money Britney and Christina are making being skanks. Carly saves us all a lot of time by admiting she's a basket case. No kidding! She once again opens the Antonella Barba songbook, this time doing Put Your Records On. Carly shows us a side that's not fake, all the notes she's missing. What can I say about Carly? You either love her 21-going-on-14, batty eyelashes, fake tears schtick or you want to kill her. Perhaps I'm a little of both.

Final Thoughts

VFTW's choices come in all sizes, shapes and colours. This year, we get it all as we have one candidate in Tyler who shows our whacky, over-the-top side while we have another in Maud who represents our purely crappy side. This year's crop has not let us down as not only do we have two worthy first picks, we have some of the finest ever VFTW Candidates-In-Waiting. All we have to do now is fix Canadian Idol with our hundreds-of-thousands of votes, await our racist and homophobic trolls and enjoy this gloriously craptacular show!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or you'll be forced to listen to Maud's performance again and again for the remainder of your existence!