CI5 Episode 7: Top 22 Results: "...And Then There Isn't Maud"

We move on to our first results show and Canada once again shows it's more merciful than America as we are forced to wait only thirty minutes instead of an hour to cut off the heads of our first four sacrficial lambs. Our host Ben comes out and announces that tonight he's trying to set a World Record for most product in a human head of hair. It's Zack's birthday so he'll be throwing a garbage can for each year he's been alive plus one for good luck straight at Liam.

The replay of the earlier performances is more recrap than recap. CI denies us a potenial VFTW Hall Of Fame Moment by having no group number tonight and getting straight to dumping the garbage to the curb. Derek gives us a decrepit grin that alone makes him worthy of his bottom four spot. Matt is safe and is already digging into the Stevie Wonder songbook for next week's performance. Jaydee will get to contemporize it next week by doing something less than fifty years old. VFTW Buddy Tyler is so excited to be safe he's having a fit. Clifton's even oranger shade isn't enough to keep him out of the bottom four. Liam will be back next week to give us his next version of This Magic Moment, this time the Samba version sporting a Pony-Hawk. Brian gave one of the most credible performances this week, making him a logical elimination on CI, but Canada gets it right (this week) by passing him through. Justyn looks like Chris Richardson trying to look like Justin Timberlake and may have to find a new girlfriend as he's in the bottom four. Dwight is wisely resting his voice and says nothing as he's told he's safe. Greg gets to move on and has the chance to re-create his second week elimination from last year, meaning Andrew will have to awake from the dead and join the rest of the bottom four in the middle of the stage.

The girls are next and CTV continues to show it's Worseness by pairing VFTW Darling Montana and National Pariah Martha together again. Montana's hat would make her a perfect character in an Alice In Wonderland adventure, but that would be dull after last night's performance. And Canada has finally caught up with VFTW and has fallen in love with our Mounts! And Martha's two fans prove they can power dial enough times to make her survive one week. 'Mila has no 'fro tonight and, consequently, is banished to the bottom four. Tara is obviously safe as she appeals to CI's largest demographic; the fake Newfy, inbred, fake blond, hick food eating, trailer trash demographic. Carly Fake looks happy to be safe, which means she's sad, and relieved, which means she's nervous. And Khalila defies all logic known to Man as Canada votes her through despite being both Black and from Quebec. Last-minute replacement Scarlett is next and obviously she's...safe? I guess her naked myspace picture travelled fast in the Jamaican community. Naomi may have to pack up her whips as she's in the bottom four. And poor Maud sucked so bad that even the millions of votes generated by VFTW aren't enough to keep her out of the bottom four. And Canada shows it goes for a horrendous singer over a serial killer tranny as Annika is safe but Christine is not.

Ben loosens the noose for two of the contestants as he informs Naomi that she can postpone her rendez-vous with her Madam for at least one more week while Clifton will have another week to find an even oranger shirt to hide his skin. And Andrew can return to his zombie state as he's safe, meaning that the first contestants in the unemployment line are Justyn and Derek. Justyn's girlfriend Scarlett looks very unimpressed as she's already moved on and made her move on Tyler. While Derek may never be a star, VFTW hopes he'll have earned enough money from this experience to fix his teeth.

Ben finishes with the girls and tells us 'Mila is safe and won't be able to join her Rickey Williams lookalike supporter in the audience just yet, meaning Christine and, gasp, VFTW choice Maud Coussa-Jandl are eliminated. VFTW pulled out every ace from its sleeve and it was a great run (22 hours!) but the fix is obviously in as CTV is becoming aware of VFTW's power and has stepped in to do something about it. Either that or Maud sucked so hard that God couldn't have saved her.

And CI shows it's greatest moment of mercy as they do not subject the cut Idols to the most humilating thing in the Universe, the sing out. Christine says she has no regrets, which is hard to buy from someone who looks like she's just about to go on a killing spree. Derek says his fans will be looking for him, and VFTW will be looking at his myspace for when he finally decides upon his orientation. Justyn seems to accept the ultimate humilaton of being a first round cut on CI by comforting himself that he won't have to look at Scarlet's thighs anymore. CI has chosen a better song than PWE's Going Home for the video playout: Nothing at all. We get one final (Thank God!) glimpse at Derek's hideous smile and his cherished relationship with fellow waif Montana. Justyn says it was a unique experience and was worth the humiliation because he got laid. Christine said it was life changing, but I wonder if she meant Sex Changing. And Maud tells us she's grown. Yes Maud, you've grown into the VFTW history book by not only being our first ever French candidate but having our shortest run ever. At least you'll be able to tell your kids you weren't total failure.

Stay tuned as VFTW does the almost impossible task of wading through this cesspool of crap to find our next Female candidate. As Maud showed us, crappy singing and spastic dancing are a good start but if someone really wants VFTW to put it's full weight and millions of dollars behind them, they would be well advised to bring out their whips, wear a pony-hawk, Pull a Mandissa or come out on a skateboard next week as this trainwreck continues.

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go try to wipe off the makeup on Tara's face.