CI5 Episode 8: Boys Top 9: "Roses Are Red, Clifton Murray is Orange"

It's time for our top nine boys and seven days hasn't been enough to digest Tyler Mullendore's performance from last week. For the first time ever on any Idol show, contestants are able to play instruments, although AI played Sanjaya like a piano last season.

Ben is wearing a very pretty scarf in the front pocket of his jacket that perfectly matches his orange face. VFTW Buddy Tyler has the pimp spot and he's so excited, he's having a seizure. Farley tells the Idols to take risks, like the jacket he's wearing. Zack tells them they need to be different, like sporting a pony-hawk or performing on a skateboard.

Liam "Styles" Chang

Liam's up first and for those who didn't know, He's Asian. He seems to have removed the pink nail polish but all the other feminine attributes are in place. Styles is doing Tal Bachman's She's So High and despite looking like a damn fool, surprises me once again by doing a rock solid job, including on the falsetto part. Jake says his voice is like velvet, as opposed to Rex Goudie's, which is like cyanide. All joking aside, Liam has established himself as a big-time contender. While the comparisons to Sanjaya seem to be loosing relevance, as Liam has more talent (and brains!) in his pinky than Sanjaya has in his entire essence, Liam will need VFTW's support to win this show and in order to get that, he'd be best advised to let CI's tranny hairdresser get to work on him.

Andrew Austin

Canada's own walking dead is next and Andrew, in an attempt to change it up from last week, has put on an extra twenty pounds. He gives us our twentieth performance of a Maroon Five song in the past eight weeks when he does Sunday Morning with his guitar. Andrew shows a faint pulse, which makes this a major improvemnet over last week. Zack No Likey and sees it more as Andrew's in an Eddie Munster-lookalike contest with Ben. Jake congratulates Andrew on being the first contestant ever to play an instrument on Idol, and VFTW would like to congratulate Andrew in advance for being the first contestant who's ever played an instrument on Idol to be eliminated.

Dwight D'Eon

Penis With Hair is doing a tribute to Sanjaya tonight by wearing a red do-rag, and he continues his tribute to VFTW's Lord by singing as attrociously as him. Dwight is doing a song by I Mother Earth and since he can't sing, he just decides to jump around like a jackass instead. Just as the comparisons between Liam and Sanjaya are becoming obsolete, the comparisons between Dwight and Daughtry have ended as it took Daughtry two months to scream himself completely hoarse while Dwight has accomplished this in two.

Clifton Murray

Clifton's next and he's proving to be our most consistent Idol as he sucks as much as he has everytime we've ever heard him. He makes some song by James Morrison (The Doors?) that I've never heard before less memorable than before I heard it. Clifton is a reminder of everything that's wrong with Idol (and the World) by thinking that good looks can cover a complete lack of experience and talent. It's like what Nick Lachey would be if he didn't have his formative 98 Degrees period. Plus, he seems terribly distracted by his blotches. While Clifton is truly the worst, I celebrate that he's not our pick, God forbid we'd keep him around one second longer.

Greg Neufeld

Our favourite two-timer is next and he's not one to look a gift horse in the mouth as Greg has grabbed his guitar and is clutching it as close to his body as possible in order to restrain his wings from flapping. Greg opens the Cake songbook for the second nauseating week in a row as he does Jason Mraz' Geek In The Pink. While he doesn't flap, all birds must fly and once again Greg has some spastic hopping going on in his webs. The judges must've been hypnotized by his hops as they give him the biggest tongue job ever. Greg has become the most overated Idol since Jordan, who hopefully won't be flapping her arms like a bird anytime soon. Farley declares that Greg ...Stays in the pocket like lint. Zack, on the other hand, shows his Worseness by wanting history to repeat itself by continuing to sing Rocket Man like he did last week in an attempt to dumbfound voters. Yes Zack, VFTW wants Greg to make history this Wednesday night too!

Brian Melo

Brian's decided to mix it up tonight by angling his hat one degree to the left. He does Angel and is reminiscient of Robbie Williams, without the charisma or drugs. Brian sounds solid on the verses but for the second week in a row, doesn't deliver on the big notes. Zack (and VFTW) are the only people who've figured this out so far but Brian will be able to hide behind crappier contestants for a couple more weeks until the rest of the World catches on.

Jaydee Bixby

Canada's youngest Elvis impersonator is next and he's changing up his usual schtick by instead doing an imitation of Elvis doing someone else's song, Ray Charles' I Got A Woman. While Jaydee's good at what he does, Bin Laden's good at what he does too. Jaydee's living proof that we can have too much of anything, two weeks in this case. How long can this schtick last? If you believe the judges, a long, long time. Sass thinks he's a young Elvis without the hips, which is like Ron Jeremy without the penis. And in a related comment, Zac found it stiff and cheesy.

Matt Rapley

It's always fun to compare current Idols to past ones. Dwight reminds some of Chris Daughtry. We all hope that Liam and Montana will remind us of Sanjaya. And now Matt is reminding us of one of our VFTW favourites, Corpsey Lebland, by doing a version of Josh Grobin's You Raise Me Up that Casey would find dull. Matt has all the charisma of the golf shirt he's wearing. The judges prove they're deaf as they are fooled enough by the big notes to miss how horrible the quiet parts were. Jake politely advises Matt to turn down the goat vibrato. Farley wants him to take the charisma factor up another level, to the Haley Stacey level.

Tyler Mullendore

CTV finally submits to VFTW's growing power by giving our buddy tonight's pimp spot. And Tyler's getting all pumped up by continuously punching himself in the face before the commercial break. He begins a John Hiatt song on a stool, just like the one he sits on at the bar. Tyler hasn't been able to smoke a joint since the commercial and it takes only a few moments for him to stand up and give us violent head twitches until he finally breaks his neck. And again, he proves that the difference between Tyler and Taylor is one letter, a pair of shades and an eight ball of speed. The judges love it as Sass says she's coming to his concert, and Tyler tells her that backstage passes and rolling papers are on him.

Final Rant

Our boys are turning out to be quite consistent...consistently mediocre. Liam looks like he's here to stay and the hairstylists haven't even gotten a hold of him yet. Brian seems to have actually seen this show before and should be able to fake his way through to the finals. At some point, Jaydee's going to run out of Elvis songs to do but that shouldn't happen in the next two weeks. And with VFTW's support and his magic herbs, Tyler's going nowhere. As for the rest, Dwight has about one song left in his voice. Andrew's starting to look more and more like Gina Glocksen's arms. Clifton proves that if the devil is red, the Anti-Christ is orange. And Matt is the number one reason Canada is viewed as a lame country. And that leaves Greg, who's improved enough to last three weeks instead of two. But VFTW is squarley focused in on and has put its millions of dollars and votes behind Tyler Mullendore, as even if he doesn't win, we'll always have a good hook up in Lake Ainsle, Nova Scotia.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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