CI5 Episode 9: Girls Top 9: "Annika Odegard Gets Ripped A New One"

It's time for the Top 9 Girls and as the opening credits roll, we see that Canadian Idol is produced by John Brunton, who's like Nigel Lythgoe but more experienced in sodomy. Ben comes out and his skin tone sends VFTW Buddy Tyler into a seizure. Our girls come out one at a time like some fashion show from hell. VFTW darling Montana Martin Iles isn't on her skateboard, as Martha Joy is hiding it from her.

Farley is wearing a zebra jacket which he shot and skinned himself. Zack wants no more posing, and that's with Derek already gone. He also says he is sick of stiff, tanned mannequins/Clifton Murray.

Martha Joy

Martha's first and is sitting in the Antonella Barba position, but on a stool. She's singing Josh Grobin's To Where You Are and at one point, either her or the piano player hits the wrong note to create the most gruesome harmony ever. Here's betting it was Martha. Once again, she proves that being pretty and having a nice voice is uselss if you're comatose. Again, she has the warmth of a tombstone. Jake finds it stiff and emotionless, better known as Corpseyish. Zack finds No Joy in Ms. Joy. And to cap her blandness, Martha lets us know that she loooooooooves Josh Grobin!1!1!ONE!WON!1!!

Tara Oram

Fake Newfy Spoongirl is next and her fake Newfy parents are waving two giant fake Newfy flags. Pretending to be Newfy is like Momjaya pretending to like her son's voice. Tara's singing some fake Newfy country crap by Michelle Wright called Safe In The Arms Of Love that's flatter than Pickler's chest before she bought her "new shoes". She begins mumbling the lyrics and shows her professionalism by remaining equally flat during the key change. Farley wants a more physical performance as he likes when Tara moves. Too bad Antonella couldn't have gotten this advice. Zack says she looks like a 12-year-old on TV, which He Likey!, but vocally she's Carrie Underwhelming. Tara shows a little Lakisha 'tude by saying she'd rather look young than old. Looks and fake Newfy flags aside, people are slowly catching on to this one-trick pony.

Naomi-Joy Blackhall

VFTW's favourite dominatrix is next and wants to ease the mind of all Worsters who worry that she might not suck. She's wearing a long, thin dress that makes her look like a whip. She does Here With Me by Dildo Dido and must think this is an audition for the next Search for The Next Pussycat Doll show as she's having sex with a lounge chair, then walking around it as if it were a pole and giving us eye fu**s to spare. And fear not Worsters, she sucks. When she's finished, the camera shows her kid in the audience, who looks very confused. Sass gives her the kiss of death; You're gorgeous! Zack feels that Naomi's proven something; that she can't sing. And Farley proves he's one sick puppy by asking for more edge. While Naomi's supporters will be holding their breathes as to whether she'll survive, VFTW can let it all out as we can sleep easy knowing that our pick will always suck.

Carly Rae Jepson

Our little faker is next in Carly Rae . She does Sweet Ones by Sarah Slean (like Jojo but Canadian/inbreed/worse). Carly gives us some childish burlesque show that looks like something Jon Benet Ramsey would've done had her mother not killed her. Carly slithers her way over to the boys and proves she has an ironic side as she, the skinniest contestant, sits on our fattest contestant's lap, Andrew's. She finishes her skank makeover by glaring at Andrew as she sings If I could have one piece of that! Ben seems to feel left out so Carly gives him a lap dance while he (tries) to read her number. While Carly's ok and has been able to fake her way through this competition so far, let's hope that she never tries to fake being sexy again.

Scarlett Burke

The girl who makes Jessica Shepperd's Mom puke is next and I have one word to sum up this performance: Why? Why in the world choose Proud Mary, which is like some song leftover from AI3 Hell Week, which she would've failed miserably. Jake says he can see better in any bar on Queen Street, where all the trannies hang. Zack gives the most concise comment ever: Nothing, just sitting there in silence, shaking his head No, No, No. Scarlett, you must change strategy. Learn from the wise one; When you can't sing, wear a pair of shades and act really stoned.

Montana Martin Iles

VFTW's Sk8rBoi is next and she's doing Thanks For The Memories by Fallout Boy. But, as always, Montana has a big surprise for us as she does the French version, which is called T'anks for 'da Memories. She comes running out from behind the stage and is wearing a shirt tight enough to end the debate as to whether she has boobs. Montana's thrashing around, moshing, jumping, running, head banging, giving us an almost complete performance. The only thing missing was any singing. Farley likes it and challenges her to actually sing next week. With this performance, Mounts sets a record for the longest anyone has been on Idol without actually singing. But even if she doesn't win this show, the judges assure her she could always win a Lukas Rossi Look-a-like contest.

'Mila Miller

The Afro Formerly Known As Kamila's is next and she's continuing her tribute to Nadia Turner by doing Otis Redding's Try A Little Tenderness. She tries to put her own little funky spin on a song that's being done for the millionth time on Idol. Mila's ok, although sometimes she dips into Macy Gray's cup. The judges stroke her 'fro and Farley calls her 'Killa 'Thrilla 'Mila 'Miller! I'm starting to call her The Appostrophe. I'm in fear that I won't have anything to write for this entry until Ben saves me by saying to 'Mila You have great hair and look...just like me! What's going on, Ben? Did Brunton tell you to be a bigger douchebag, like Seacrest? With your orange skin and new snooty attitude, you're one photo of you spreading your butt cheeks away from getting the job done.

Annika Odegard

CI's sole contestant with a hyman is next in Annika. She's always worn her religious beliefs on her sleeve and once again tonight is praying to Lord Sanjaya with her singing. Pure Annika shows she has an ironic side by doing a song by the biggest skank around, Joss Stone. Annika's singing Super Duper Love and shows barely any pulse, which is actually an improvement over last week. But then we find out that Annika must've crapped in all the judges' bags, said the "N" word to Farley, called Sass an old whore and Zack and Jake Jew Bastards as the judges give her the greatest dressing down seen since Charles Manson was sentenced to prison. Zack admits to being s pathetic loser by saying they made a huge mistake by placing her in the Top 22. Farley says that song needs three cups of soul, of which she has a teaspoon. Poor Annika. She may want to completely change her strategy and start praying to Satan instead. Ben tries to lighten the mood by suggesting some names for her 'tard club. After this week, VFTW would like to suggest The EliminateIkas.

Khalila Glanville

Tonight's pimp spot is reserved for Khalila, who has a last name tonight. She does another leftover from Hell Week when she sings The Four Tops' Can't Help Myself. I didn't know the theme this week was Songs That Annoy The Hell Out Of People and Make Me Want To Kill. The only thing memorable about this performance are all the missed notes. Farley gives his kiss of death by saying she has fantastic shoes (like Pickler's?). And on what is arguably the worst night ever in Idol history (and that's saying a lot!), Zack's had enough. Khalila bares the brunt for all the crappiness that preceeded her tonight. Zack gives us our This is a legit singing contest moment by attacking Khalila for bringing this down to the karaoke level and that CI deserves more than this. I don't know about Canada and CTV, but VFTW got everything it deserved tonight and more!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or get ready to be humiliated like Annika.