CI5 Episode 11: Top 7 Boys: "Jethro Bixby's Headin' Down To 'Cashville, Tennessee"

Our Top Seven Boys are back and we know this is going to be a good night for VFTW as CTV and producer John Brunton screw up the first thirty seconds of my feed. Perhaps he slipped on the floor due to all the grease dripping from Ben Mulroney's hair tonight. VFTW Buddy Tyler Mullendore shows us that he's ready to giver' by giving us three violent head thrashes before you can blink an eye. VFTW Souless Sister Annika's in the lounge and she's praying harder than ever that the judges don't tear her a new one tomorrow night.

Ben points out how many signs there are in the audience tonight and how Brunton's handwriting is improving. Judge Farley has stolen Chris Sligh's pimp hat. Sass says the Idols need to show vulnerability, but VFTW believes she needs to show more of the Sassettes. And Zack has heard one retarded question too many from Ben and urges him to get this crapfest over with as quickly as possible.

Matt Rapley

As if Matt's not memorable enough, he gets the dreaded first spot tonight. After putting a lot of thought into how to hide his frightening weight gain, Matt's come up with the perfect solution: Sit behind a huge piano. He's doing I'll be There by the Jacksons, but looks more Randy Jackson (pre stomach-staple) than Michael Jackson. Matt sings ...just call my name, I'll be there but ringing the dinner bell may prove more effective. He's ok on the big notes but is three-for-three on singing the quiet parts crapily (is that a word?). And he's duller than AI6. Jake says he sang too close to the mic, perhaps because it resembles a burito. Farley still wants him to up the excitement, perhaps even disconnecting the respirator. And Zack thinks he stands for nothing, which makes him perfect for this show.

After we come back from break, we learn that Canadian Idol is going to be doing their very own Idol Gives Head Back scam this year for Ronald McDonald's House. Ben is doing a piece with CI3 Winner Melissa O'Neil, who really should be staying as far away as possible from Ronald McDonald considering the scary amount of weight she's gained.

Greg Neufeld

Greg's next and he's obviously put in a lot of thought after his embarrassing failure last year. First of all, his steroid regimen is really starting to pay off, just in time for Barry Bonds' record breaking homerun. Secondly, Greg obviously lurks at VFTW as he's become fully conscious of how he flaps like a bird. He's been controlling his flapping with his guitar but it has manifested in spastic hopping. But he's finally found the perfect solution tonight as his guitar is cemented to his wings and he has his butt glued the stage. He's showing his incredible range by leaping from Jason Mraz to John Mayer. Greg starts off Daughters very Sanjaya whispery and shaky as he's accompanied only by his guitar but settles down into the mediocre, bland , passable category, like Blake. Zack, who must be a Worster as he's been desperately trying to get Greg eliminated again, finds criticism in that it's too perfect. Jake says nothing can be too perfect, and VFTW thinks nothing would be more perfect than Greg getting the Connie Boot again Wednesday night.

Tyler Mullendore

Our Buddy's next and he's getting ready to giver' by having a fit while talking with Ben. Tyler has promised in his blog that he has a big surprise for us this week. It must not be song choice as he's doing Rockin' Me by Steve Miller. Tyler's playing his guitar and his wobbling makes me think he's slightly more drunk than stoned tonight. While the singing is so-so, all the the other VFTW elements are in place which make us love Tyler so! Sass said it sounded like Tyler Mullendore doing George Thorogood doing Steve Miller, which basically means complete mess. Sass explains her babbling and meaningless drunken comments by saying I'm doing my Paula Abdul imitation and after Zack suggests that someone sniffs her cup, Sass says Shut Up, Simon! Uh, Dave, are you writing CI's script now? Zack gets back to the actual show and says to Tyler that his performance was obnoxiously you and gives him a Macho Man Savage Oh Yeah!, which Tyler responds with his Hulk Hogan imitation. And Zack confirms what VFTW knew the moment Tyler walked in the door by telling him ...you need serious help! And while we didn't get a Hi Dave tonight, we get the next best thing as Tyler caps Farley's comments by saying Thank 'ya Big Fella!

Liam Styles Chang

It's emo time and some things never get old as Liam tells us once again he's in a band called Two Asians and a White Guy. Liam says I'm going to be who I am, which is a very effeminite boy with repulsive hair wearing a hoodie with pink stripes and a shirt with flowery yellow designs. He's doing Over My Head by The Fray (God, I'm getting old!) and is almost perfect in his walking dead emo way. Zack gives us our first Simon/Ryan out of the closet moment by saying he was thinking of wearing Liam's outrageously flamey ensemble tonight but saw it in Jake's closet. Jake wants more explosiveness from Liam, which is like asking Kurt Cobain to be more cheerful. Farley, on the other hand, gets it and thinks Liam should go on being as dreary and depressed as possible, maybe even killing himself. And Sass is getting drunker as she again yells at Zack ...Shut up Simon. Liam wraps it up by doing what's now becoming a weekly tradition by showing us some bizarre dance move. Last week, he Churned the butter, and this week, he's Kneading the dough. VFTW hopes that Liam sticks around long enough to do The Sanjaya.

Dwight D'Eon

Penis With Hair is next and he's looking more and more like Daughtry as he continues to lose his hair. Ben asks Dwight why he's waited until tonight to play his guitar, and Dwight says he didn't want to use it as a crutch. But he's replaced one crutch with another as he's gained forty pounds since this show began. Dwight's finally giving his best tonight on a Matchbox Twenty song, and now we know that his best is still not enough. Sass says that Dwight has the vibe but not the voice, repeating a comment I'm sure she's been told many times before. Zack thinks that Dwight has no charisma and no voice, but other than that, he's great!

Jaydee Bixby

One of the best Elvis impersonators ever on Canadian Idol is next in Jaydee. Ben points out that Jaydee likes Elvis, which is as revealing as when Anderson Cooper finally decides to come out. Jaydee shocks us in one sense by doing a song written withen the past fifty years, but surprises no one by performing it like a complete hick! Jaydee's running around the studio like a Taylor Hicks. He's doing some redneck auction song called Sold! and at points it sounds like country rap, better known as yodelling. He makes a pit stop at the judges' table, singing the auction part to Sass like he's selling her at some whore convention. But then Jaydee risks losing his label as biggest hick on the show by running over to the couch and joining an even bigger hick, Tara. Sass says in her best redneck inbreed accent that Jaydee's turning her into Ellie May, to which he replies I'm Jethro! Zack finally speaks the truth as he admits I know nothing. And Farley has bling in his eyes as he knows that Jaydee's Headin' down to 'Cashville, Tennessee!

Brian Melo

After being in the bottom four last week, John Brunton has saved the pimp spot for fellow Ontarian Brian, which makes me wonder if he is wearing his hat to hide his baldness as Brunton does. I also notice for the first time that Brian has a tattoo on his arm like Blake, and I'm glad I noticed because after tonight, there will probably never be a chance to see it again. Brian's doing Drive by Incubus and it goes from bad to worse as he starts off whispering, then goes miserably out of tune and then my feed goes out for about ten seconds as Brunton screws up once again. My feed comes back and Brian's still way flat and now he's become hoarser than Dwight. Other than that, it was an ok performance. Sass ends her drunken night by saying he looks nervous but calm. Zack thought Brian was a from the 'Hammer (Hamilton) rock guy, but Brian seems to be more from The Hummer.

Final Thoughts

This was the last chance before the Top 10 for the Boys to impress us, and they didn't. This show makes me worry about so much. I worry that Matt's going to have a heart attack before he turns nineteen. I worry that Greg is holding back his wings so much that it may erupt in one massive hummingbird explosion. I worry VFTW Buddy Tyler is going to snap his head right off. But while these things make me worry, VFTW will never have to worry about Tyler not being a complete spaz, Liam not looking like a freak or Jaydee not being the biggest hick that has ever been seen on any reality show!

Stay tuned for the Girls tomorrow night, when Martha and Mounts finally have it out while the judges make Annika jump off a steeple.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go paint your nails with Liam