CI5 Episode 12: Top 7 Girls: "Mila Miller Molests A Piano"

It's the last chance for the girls to prove that we shouldn't be going with an All-Male Top 10 this season. Ben tells us the Idols will be fighting for the chance to work with some of the biggest names in the music business, like Peter Noone. They'll also be fighting to get that record contract, make a crappy, generic album that will sell seventeen copies and fade into obscurity before next season begins. Ben engages the judges in the most meaningless dialogue heard since Larry King interviewed Paris Hilton.

Annika Odegard

The judges' favourite whipping post (and VFTW's favourite virgin) is first in Annika. She tells us her parents are off in Europe, which is hopefully far away enough not to have heard about the humiliation their daughter faced last week. Annika shows she appreciates VFTW's support by promising to do more Joss Stone songs in the future. She's playing piano and doing Ordinary Day and sounds like Vanessa Carlton when she's having a hard time squeezing one out. Annika's heartbeat is about five beats per minute, which means she's showing more life than last week. But despite slight improvement, the vocals are still so VFTWlicious, flat and shaky. And Annika tries her best to give us an eye f*** but looks more like an inquisitive nun. Jake thinks she's so natural, but he must not be talking about the contrast between her hair and eyebrows. Annika's getting better comments all around, although comparing her to rabies would be a compliment after last week. Annika cries Praise Jesus! for her better fortune, but satan-worshipper Zack says ...I don't know how much the Lord had to do with it. I don't know about Zack's and Annika's lords, but VFTW's Lord (Sanjaya), Father (Fafu) and Holy Spirit (JPL?) should be more than enough to get Annika through to the Top 10.

Khalila G?/Gee?/Glanville?

Khalila What's-her-name is next. Ben asks her if there are any future Canadian Idols at the daycare where she works. VFTW doesn't have the heart to tell these innocent children that Canadian Idol and Khalila will be all washed up and long gone by the time they're old enough to be on this crapfest. She's doing For You I Will by Monica and with her curly hair and prom dress, looks like Jordin Sparks has gone on a crash diet (major crash!). This performance has little VFTW relevance until Khalila hits a Corpsey Lebland note that makes Worsters pay closer attention. She's pleasant and mature, but so is Barbra Bush. Farley's glad she did some vocal gymnastics, but wishes she could reach the Chris Richardson level. Sass says there's no Wow! Factor, which is Canadian for It Had No 'Yo! While I have nothing against Khalila, I hope she's eliminated tomorrow night as her niceness and decent ability is giving me nothing to rip her about, and this makes me very angry!!!

As we come back from break, Ben reminds us that if you have any extra money that you'd like to throw in the garbage, CI will be doing its very own Idol Gives Back scam later this year.

Carly Rae Jepson

Carly Fake's next and Ben doesn't care anymore if people know he wants to bang her hard. He tells her that despite the fact that she's in a swing band, she hasn't swung yet. Thinking she's around twelve, Ben tells her he'd like to date her when she turns twenty-one. When she snootishly tells Ben that she's already twenty-one, he ends the show by yelling Good Night Canada! And Carly gives Canada its very own pronunciate moment when she says that ...I want my song to be relatable. Carly continues to show her ironic side by saying she's ...going with my gut despite not having one. She's doing the Annie Lennox-meets-Aqua version of Bob Marley's Waiting in Vain. It's a classic Carly Fake performance, with the looks, eyelashes, missed notes, children porn qualities we've all come to expect. The judges have basically proclaimed her The Chosen One and are pimping her hard, saying they are prepared to ignore all the missed notes and phony affectations that Carly will bring as she fakes her way to the top 10.

Tara Oram

Cold Plates Tara is next and Ben tries to match her Picklerness by pointing out that she seems to like country music. She says she's going to do a Killer Chick Song, which reminds me it's only been two weeks since Christine Hanlon was eliminated. Tara's doing Martina McBride's When God Fearing Women Get The Blues and makes Gretchen Wilson look sophisticated by comparison. Tara's doing her usual fake Newfy performance, which is looking good, bouncing around, singing with a fake twang and missing note afer note. And if you look closely at the end of her performance, Tara has her own Crying Girl, except hers looks like a character out of Deliverance. While she turned up the energy this week, Farley, who wants her bad, says he wants to see even more. She promises that ...I'll jump off the monitor next week. For maximum effect, VFTW suggests that you follow John Brunton's example and leap off the roof instead.

Montana Martin Iles: xxMounts!1!One!BFFxx

Our favourite skateboarder with a lip ring, skunk hair, ratty clothes and messages in marker written on her hands, is next. And in her special way, she manages to turn the statement Hi Dad! I'm on TV! into one of the most bizarre moments in Western Culture. She says you cannot fake emotion, although Carly Rae would argue otherwise. She talks about her accent, which is becoming this year's Antonella Barba Photo Scandal. But even more shocking than Antonella sitting on a toilet, Mounts shocks us by telling us that she's going to (try) to actually sing tonight. She's doing Ironic by Alanis Morrisette and it's like 10 0000 spoons when all you need is a voice. And isn't it ironic, don't 'cha think, that her accent is worse than ever. Mounts must avoid things with "th", like Thanks or Martha. And it's like rain on your wedding day when Sass tells her that she hit one wickedly clunker note. But nothing's more ironic than Perez Hilton calling someone gay.

Martha Joy

CTV tries to make Mounts look bad again by having her number one enemy (of many!) follow her, bully Martha Joy. We find out that The Joyless One can be boring in six different languages. She promises to show the more Joyful side of her tonight and, joy of joys, she's doing Celine! And the only thing Idol about this performance are Martha's Kelly Clarkson Thighs. Again, pretty girl, pleasant voice, sweet personality...everything that makes Canada and VFTW puke. Sass officially becomes VFTW Enemy #2 (after Nigel Lythgoe) when she encourages Martha to do more luscious ballads. Zack believes that between Martha's Celine and Jaydee's and Tara's country music, he's gone straight to Hell. Jake's impressed with how Zack is able to slag so many people at once, but if he wants to see some real slagging, all he has to do is visit all the Martha hate threads at the different Idol boards.

'Mila Miller

Producer John Brunton stoops to his most desperate level as for the second consecutive night, he reserves the pimp spot for some doomed fellow Ontarian. Mila blabbers something about 'Fro Lightning! but has cut off her nose to spite her face as she has no 'fro tonight (robbed!). She's doing Rehab and looks almost as sloshed as Amy Whinehouse as she's lying on the piano in the Steffi D position. And even if I hear it a million times, singing the line ...trying to make me go to rehab will always gain someone VFTW points. After holding a relatively innocent pose on the piano, she turns up the skank-meter by lying on her stomach, giving the piano player one long eye f*** and possibly making the piano itself feel very uncomfortable. Sass gives Mila the most backhanded compliment ever by saying ...it was a great imitation. And Zack sums up this entire trainwreck of a season by saying ...I'm glad someone didn't do a song written in 1937. That's reserved for the cast of AI6.

Final Rant

Well, we've finally made it through the semis and now have a much better idea of the people who'll be humiliating themselves in front of their families, friends and entire nation this summer. Carly Rae and Tara will continue their fight as to who's the bigger fake. Mounts and Martha should be able to continue their rivalry and may give hope to the Jews and Arabs yet. Khalila, see you back in Montreal on Thursday. That leaves Mila and Annika fighting for the final spot. All things being equal, Mila should make it, but all things are not equal as VFTW has put its support and mighty (and sometimes scary!) resources behind Annika, allowing Canada one final chance to put its white hood on tomorrow night as we move on to a Top Ten whiter than a Canadian winter.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

I welcome all your reviews, so don't be shy. This is a place for all of us to put our thoughts. And if you do have any thoughts, leave a comment, send me a message or go join John Brunton on the roof tomorrow night.