CI5 Episode 14: Top 10 Perform #1 Hits: "Jaydee Bixby: Great From The Waist Up (VFTW From The Waist Down!)"

After over 10 000 pathetic auditions, 198 fame whores, 22 VFTW wannabes and the tragedy known as 7/11, we're ready for our Top Ten, which promise to make AI6 edgy by comparison.

I've bought a new TV and have been waiting to adjust the orange hue to Ben's face. He tells us that Rihanna ('Ella is short for Anton'ella) will be performing tomorrow night but that Jay-Z has forbidden her to coach this bunch of losers. In case anyone feels a lack of femness on the show since Liam's gone, Ben tells Zack that he smells great. Jake says that Canada hasn't picked its winner yet, which is too bad because if they had, we'd be able to end this crapfest here and now. But Jake must learn that VFTW has already determined the winner of this show by throwing its support behind genetic masterpiece Elvis Jaydee Bixby.

Dwight d'Eon

We get this watered-down, generic crapfest off to an appropriate start with Dwight. He gives us his first real moment this year when he poses with a lobster. He then gives us our finest puke moment when he says My father taught me to be a man. Dwight knows that he won't get a big head from this experience, but he better watch out for getting a big stomach. He opens the Matchbox 20 songbook for the second nauseating week in a row, this time doing Unwell. He's standing at the mic like a Zombie, in the Chris Daughtry position, with his arms folded, wearing some strange looking jacket with straps that make it look like a ...straight jacket? Looks like Dwight's been lurking at VFTW and is getting a little too sensitive about that crazy thing he does with his arm. But alas, he eventually lets his arms flap free, like Greg Neufeld flying south, and is just wearing some poser leather jacket. And after having another look at Dwight's receeding hairline tonight, I'd like to apologize for any comments I made about his stupid do-rag last week as its time to put it back on. As for singing, Dwight's not doing it. He screams the song like the lobster he caught has grabbed onto his nuts. While Jake wants Dwight to be more interesting, Sass echoes the views of the nation as she says that Dwight would be more interesting if he sang better. Zack says you can see a growth curve with Dwight, but the only growth curve VFTW sees is an increase in the rate at which he's balding.

Khalila G?/Gee?/Glanville?/Doesn't Matter

I purposely wrote so much about Dwight because Khalila's next and I know that she's going to give me absolutely nothing to write (or think) about. I need help! Surely she must've once taken a picture on a toilet because, as anyone from New Jersey would tell you, everyone has. Khalila works at a daycare, and hopefully she's explained to the children what monotonous means. And hopefully, after tonight, she's also told them what eliminated means after doing The Fugee's version of Killing Me Softly. She's pretty, has a relatively pleasant tone and her pitch is almost perfect, but has the charisma of a rock. The judges are not helping me by reitirating what we already know. Khalila, please help me! Do you hula hoop? Ever thought of wearing a ponyhawk? Until you do, you, and my blog, are doomed.

Carly Rae Jepson

Our little faker is next and with her new bangs, looks like Hillary Duff's little sister. We see Carly playing with her band in some dive with a SRO crowd of four. For tonight's performance, Carly is wearing a trenchcoat, which she's surely not doubt going to rip off and show us that at least two things about her aren't fake. And, in an attempt to be well-rounded, follows some pretty smart song choices with the worst song choice since Jordin Sparks did Livin' On A Prayer, Feist's version of Inside and Out. She starts it off doing some sort of James Bond thing but is singing like OddJob in Goldfinger. And she would've been well advised to have ripped off her coat and go the Haley Scarnato route after missing almost every note in the song. Zack doesn't get it at all while Jake says it's time to start faking the emotion again. Ben's extreme horniness towards Carly has rendered him deaf as he tells her that she wouldn't be here if she weren't a great singer, despite the truth in front of him slapping him in his orange face.

Brian Melo

John Brunton's love child is next in Brian. We see that he's a man of many hats as he's in a Dwight d'Eon cover band. And he replaces Clifton Murray as Retard Of the Year when he says If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't be here. Tonight he's doing If You Could Only See by Tonic and, drumroll please, he's wearing a hat! It's a black hat, not quite a baseball cap, somewhat flat on top, like something some beatnik wannabe would wear. It's black; not a shiny black, more of a matt black, but not too dark. It's at a 23.7 degree angle forward, 14.8 degree angle to the left, forming a parallelogram. Oh yeah, and the singing's ok. At one point he goes on his knees, begging us to ignore how he's losing his voice, and ends by wondering around lost on the stage like someone's removed his hat. Brian's ok but that's all. And after Brian tells us that his mom cooks great, Ben shows his taste for MILFs by yelling "I'd go to Hamilton!"

'Mila Miller

'Fro Lightning! is next and we find out that she plays an instrument, just like one of VFTW's all-time favourites, Antonella Barba! We meet 'Mila's family and her crazy hair may have caught a whiff of the funnysmoke. And the 'fro is in full bloom tonight!!! And if being like Antonella and having a massive 'fro weren't enough, 'Mila shows her full Worsenees by giving us the double VFTW whammy by not only doing a Stevie Wonder song, but doing the one Sanjaya came into our lives with, Signed, Sealed, Delivered! Jake finds it pure karaoke, and Zack says he can slag Jake one better by saying she shouldn't be here to sing at a Bar Mitvah. Everyone seems to be waiting for something from 'Mila but at this point, they might as well get in line with those waiting for Mario Vazquez to become a star.

Elvis Jaydee Bixby

VFTW's lone hope for the season is next in Elvis Jaydee! We see him back home with either his family or the best inbreed-lookalike actors you've ever seen. And Elvis Jaydee's made sure to give each of his sisters a big, wet kiss goodbye. Tonight, Elvis' Jaydee's hair is brushed back like a young, Art School-bound Adolf Hitler. Elvis Jaydee has been lurking at VFTW and knows we kid him on being an Elvis impersonator and doing only Elvis songs, so he says he is doing a Conway Twitty song tonight. But while he may be able to trick some redneck, inbred hick from Bum F***, Alberta, VFTW is far too sophisticated to be fooled by Elvis' Jaydee's subterfuge as Elvis has done Make Believe 1000 times! And Elvis Jaydee's in his finest Elvis mode tonight, except that his stage movements look like he's having a bowel movement. Sass asks are you for real? Yes Sass, he's for real and he's ours! Based on his movements, Zack asks Elvis Jaydee how long ago did he get off his horse. Zack isn't done yet, as he calls Elvis Jaydee Bucky and then the Michael Buble of retro country, which makes me want to kill myself twice. Jake finds Elvis' Jaydee's movement a little awkward but he's great from the waist up! While the judges may think Elvis Jaydee is great from the waist up, VFTW loves him from the top of his Aryan brushcut to the tips of his cow manure-covered feet.

We move into a sponsor pimp piece telling us that all the Idols have gotten new phones from Telus, with speed dial already set up to the suicide hotline. They can download music on their phones but, based on tonight's song choices, nothing from the past 30 years. Dave Kerr has much to look forward to as he has nowhere to go but up after tonight's first pathetic attempt at humour.

Greg Neufeld

Two-timer Greg's next. We see that he's a carpenter and we can rest assured that he hasn't quit his job yet after last year's humiliation. We see him performing with his band, where he gives a Greggy hop that almost makes him fall off the stage. He says he's inspired by Kurt Cobain, giving us hope that we may not have to endure him much longer. Greg shows he has some guts (for the first time in two years) by closing the Mraz/Mayer songbook and doing The Killers' All These Things That I've Done. While it's a brave choice, Greg demonstrates that discretion is the better part of valour as this song choice is all wrong. Greg tries to get into it but his spastic, robotic movements make him look like Chris Benoit going into some steroid induced rage. The judges like it except for Zack, who says Greg shouldn't be doing this. Perhaps Zack would like to see Greg do Rocket Man again and get our misery over with as soon as possible.

Martha Joy

The essence of pure evil is next in 16-year-old Martha. We see that she takes tango lessons, proving that robots can dance. Martha is the sole reason VFTW darling Montana Martin Iles isn't here, along with being the reason for unemployment, poor health care and the hole in the ozone layer. With all this, Martha will really need to take a different direction tonight to win our love and, joy of joys!, she's doing a Celine Dion song (again!). And as anyone from Quebec could tell you, you can never have enough Celine (can you imagine how much I have to hear and see her in Montreal, for the past 20 f***ing years!). And while Martha was pretty awful during the semis, she pumps the crappiness up to ten tonight with what's her worst performance by far. But when all seems lost, VFTW's ears perk up as she gives us a Corpsey Lebland missed note that may give our season hope yet! Everything's wrong, except Zack calling it retro stuff. While Martha's singing may be getting worse, she's gaining wisdom as she's learning that what goes around comes around, as VFTW has reached out with its awesome powers and has made her sing like crap and look like a forty-year-old for messing with our Mounts!

Tara Oram

We're off to Tara's fake Newfy hometown and see that the production crew of CTV have furnished her with a fake Newfy house, fake Newfy relatives and Fake Newfy friends. Tara's mom tells us that her daughter has played the seediest dives in town, and she should know. It's #1 Hits night on Idol and Tara takes the most predictable route possible by doing a Shania Twain song, You Win My Love. For those who've watched Idol over the years, you know that there are many components that go into being a star. Of course, you need to look good. It also helps to have a really cool personality. It's also a plus to have great movement on stage. Tara's got all of these in abundance and is well on her way to being a star. Just one more little component and she's there...gaining a voice. Tara, with her great looks and non-existent voice, is further morphing into Pickler as she looks the part but clearly cannot, never has and never will be able to sing. And no one seems to know this more than Tara as her fake twang is in full effect tonight and she even ends her performance by giving the ultimate VFTW shout out, yelling a Britney Spears Wooo! And Tara cements the comparisons to Pickler by saying that her more physical performance is because of her shoes!

Matt Rapley

In what is the sole possibility of him being remembered three seconds after his performance ends, Matt is given the pimp spot tonight. We visit his hometown and it's Jesus Time! as we visit Matt's church, which is almost as large as him. And surprise, surprise... Matt's father is a Pastor! But his father knows that fatness is sinful as he looks fit and slim, as opposed to his wickedly sinful, twinkie-loving son. Matt's worried that getting the pimp spot may make him too memorable so he decides to do the most generic song possible, Marvin Gaye's I Heard It Through the Grapevine. Matt looks like he's wearing one of Farley's pimp suits tonight (or one of Chris Sligh's!) and is wearing an oversized jacket which he'll outgrow in the next 48 hours. And all the missed notes are going to make Jesus very angry. Matt has slightly rearrangd the song and Farley understands the ideology behind it...communism. Zack wants him to do something cool, but Matt seems convinced that Jesus wants him to do crappy music. Jake says he's getting no vibe, but VFTW's getting the elimination vibe.

Breaking News!!!:

Just as we think that the show's over and all hope for the season is lost, Ben begins announcing that by popular demand, and because of the settlement of a lawsuite between VFTW and John Brunton, there's been a surprise wildcard added to the top 10. But before Ben can tell us who it is, guess who comes skateboarding out onto the stage....

Montana Martin Iles !1!1!One!Won!1!Blake!

It was all a nightmare, as VFTW darling Mounts is back! And as promised, she's doing Baby Hit Me One More Time. She starts out under the judges' table until the front off it explodes, propelling her on her skateboard onto the stage. Just like Britney, Mounts has background dancers and is showing us her great breakdance skills. Her French accent is worse than ever as she makes Oh Baby Baby sound like Oh Boobie Boobie. She ends by strutting around in a see-through bikini with a python around her neck which takes a turn for the worse when it gets caught in her lip ring. And as she's talking to Ben, we see that she has a message written in marker on her hands. Ben asks her to hold them up to the camera, when the World sees that they say Hi Dave!

Final Rant

For the first time ever, Canadian Idol doesn't disapoint us, as we were expecting a horrible show. Watching this season is going to be like watching some poor animal slowly bleed to death. Dwight and Brian lost any voice they may have had weeks ago. Matt, Mila and Khalila stand out as much as black-on-black (ducks!). The only person in the entire Universe faker than Tara is living in the same house as her, Carly Rae. Martha is Satan, but with a worse voice. And Greg's going to hop right off the stage and break his neck. Thank God for Elvis Jaydee who, despite his little manipulative ways, will continue to get VFTW's support so that he can stick around long enough to fulfill his dream (and Zack's and Brunton's nightmare) of going through the entire Elvis songbook.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go help Matt try to squeeze into his pants