CI5 Episode 15: Top 10 Results: "No 'Mo 'Fro"

It's time for the first results show of the finals and right away Ben wants to tell VFTW that it's going to be a great night for us as we have our first group number of the season!

The guys are together in a group and are up first, doing the old Idol group standard...Nickelback! John Brunton's given the coveted first spot to his lovechild Brian, who's wearing hat 42C-3 from his collection. And Elvis Jaydee is forced to sing something from the past fifty years and we finally find out that he yodels and sounds like as much of a hick on newer music as he does on older stuff.

The girls are next and Carly Rae's continuing her three week streak of consecutively missing every note in her part. 'Mila has the 'fro up at full mast tonight but has wisely hidden her waist. Tara, after missing all her notes and mumbling the lyrics in the first part of her section, just says f*** it and stops singing altogether. And this group massacre ends with one of the great ironic moments so far with monstrously huge Matt standing with twig Carly Rae, who looks like Matt's toothpick after a huge meal.

Just in case we all thought last night was just a nightmare, we get the recap and yes, it's true, this group sucks as much as we feared. We then see our Idols meeting with the flavour of the week, Rihanna, who looks like a blow-up sex doll tonight. Jay-Z has permitted her to take three questions from the Idols. They ask for her advice and she tells them to never coach a bunch of losers on some reality show. And then Rihanna shows the Idols how to get some VFTW love as she crows her way through Umbrella. And as her performance ends, the CTV producers show their Worseness as Canada gets our own Little Girl Holding Open Umbrella! But nothing comes free as Ben has to suck up to Rihanna and give her a gold album, which he almost drops from his moussey fingers.

After the break we're reminded that a transexual can win Idol as this year's group meet with Kalan Porter on the set of his latest flop video. Kalan has been hanging in LA and is much happier now with the doctor who's going to perform his sex change operation. And Britney, Christina, Avril and all the other whores better watch out as we're treated to a shot of Kalan walking with a lustful look on his face in a fake rainstorm!

It's time to humanely put down our first dog as we get to the results. Tara can give a Pickler wink to some hick in the audience as she's safe. Dwight will have another chance to try to sing next week and as they say, fifth time's the charm. Martha and Elvis Jaydee are next and evil prevails this week as Martha's safe. And CTV loves playing with Elvis Jaydee as much as VFTW does as Elvis Jaydee, just like last week, is left hanging for a few seconds until he's told...he's safe too! Khalila, Carly Rae and Mila are next and VFTW gets its first good news in weeks as not only are Khalila and 'Mila expectedly in the bottom three, but so is Carly Rae! It's taken Canada four weeks to figure out what Zack and VFTW knew a long time ago, that she's a big fake who brings her phony affectations in an attempt to distract everyone from all her missed notes. And Ben has taken VFTW's lead by completely ignoring Brian and Greg.

As our bottom three move to the middle of the stage, we see that Farley is wearing his Safari pimp outfit tonight. Ben warns the unemployment office that he's coming as there's only been 2.5 million votes tonight. Khalila and 'Mila are continuing to show their class while nutty Carly Rae is having a nervous breakdown. And CTV's not into sadism as much as American Idol and ends the torture quickly as Ben tells Carly Rae and Khalila that they're safe (Boooooooo!/Who Cares!), meaning that 'Mila can let her 'fro down as her time has ended. We see the video recap of 'Mila's journey and CTV says yes, we too can have a crappy song for our video playout bit. And then, 'Mila is forced to do what any seventeen-year-old girl would want to do after she's had her dreams crushed and been humiliated in front of her family, friends and an entire nation...Sing! And as so many Idols have done before, she shows more personality and ability during her sing-out then she did during her entire time on the show.

So it's one down, nine to go. While in past seasons this would get us excited, this year it's like counting down the weeks until you're released from prison. We find out that the theme for next week is '60's music. Hmmm.... Didn't AI6 have a '60's theme the second week of the finals? And wasn't there a very special coach on that show? And didn't Chris Sligh gain VFTW immortality by saying two little words? And didn't a little, effeminite 17-year-old-Asian with funny hair do a certain song that made a certain little girl cry and give the Western Hemisphere it's greatest cultural moment in the past fifty years? Is this a premonition of what Canada can expect next week? Oh yeah, I forget, this isn't a dream, and Mounts, Tyler and Liam were cut last week. Oh, what could've been.

We'll be back after next week's Top 9 performance show.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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