CI5 Episode 16: Top 9 Perform Songs from the '60s: "Who Cares...Montana's A Worster!"

It's time to flashback to when music wasn't one big generic cesspool, lip-synched by manufactured acts produced by phony crapfests like Canadian Idol, as our Top 9 does music from the Sixties. But unless The Beatles reform tonight, nothing's going to top the power generated by the joining of VFTW and the coolest Idol EVER...Montana Martin Iles!

Our host Ben's trying to get into the 60s spirit as he has massive bags under his beety eyes and looks as high as Bo Bice. And speaking of being high, Tyler Mullendore's in the house! Ben tells us that we're going back to a time when social upheavel had a great influence upon musicians like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin...and Peter Noone! Ben tells Sass she was harsh last week, but not as harsh as her black eye liner tonight. Ben attempts (and fails) some humour about Zack being old, but Zack's glad that he comes from 1960 BC; Before Celine! (...and Martha Joy!).

Elvis Jaydee Bixby

CTV Producer John Brunton has fully submitted like some fat, hairless dog to the power of VFTW as he's not going to make us wait for our posterchild, Elvis Jaydee. Our boy has reached deep into Ben's alternative lifestyle closet as he's wearing a purple shirt with such a dainty flower. Elvis Jaydee's showing the chest tonight, and the white glare sends me into seizure. He's doing Runaway by Del Shannon and Ben caters to VFTW by YELLING that Elvis covered this song (VFTW Victory!). And instead of wondering why his love has runaway, Elvis Jaydee may want to worry about why his voice has runaway. And Elvis Jaydee's continuing to spend way too much time lurking at VFTW as he has become so conscious about his crazy legs, he's decided to lock himself in one spot tonight. But Farley and Sass are closet Worsters as they encourage Elvis Jaydee to walk around more and be a bigger spaz and show why VFTW's thrown our massive resources behind him. But Zack says I can be a bigger Worster than you as he says ...if you had black hair, you'd just be doing Elvis.

Tara Oram

Just in case you didn't get enough of some Aryan looking hick doing a crappy Elvis imitation, Tara's next. And she gives VFTW that special feeling down there as she does the same song Chris Daughtry did the week he got eliminated, Jaydee's Elvis' Suspicious Minds. And Tara harkens back to another hick, Tyler Lewis, as she's riding the horse all over the stage. She gives us a point that makes me want to grab into my TV and snap her finger. She's sort of ok on the fast first and final parts but is Newfylicious when she hits the slower middle part. Farley says she took herself vocally to different places tonight, like the Universe Of Sanjaya. Sass really likes Tara's stylistic choices, which is Paula for where you placed the missed notes. And Zack likes how it's finally no-nonsense Tara, save for the fake Newfyness, bleached blond hair, contrived Newfy references and pathetic pandering to regional voters. And just in case Newfoundland isn't enough, Tara panders for VFTW to put her over the top by yelling Oramutangs!

Matt Rapley

It's time to repent as Matt's going to bore us to death for our sins. He's setting himself up to be crucified as he does a song done by my favourite Idol ever, Bo Bice (1977-2006, RIP), The Allman Brother's Whipping Post, also done by Bo Bice 2.0, Tami Gosnel. And Matt's gained so much weight that he can't even move an inch away from the spot he's glued himself to. Matt's growls how some women done me wrong, but once again, the God Of Charisma has done him wrong. While the singing's ok, the acid the judges dropped before the show must be kicking in as they all have one collective orgasm for him. Either that, or they are trying reverse psycholgy to get this blob eliminated and are on Dave's payroll (again).

Dwight d'Eon

The holder of the record for longest time on an Idol show without singing is next in PWRH. He tries to move far away from screaming by doing the quiet Undone by The Guess Who and Guess What, he still isn't singing. After five weeks of screaming, Dwight has become hoarser than Rod Stewart with throat cancer. And the weight gain's gotten out of control as he's glued to a stool for the entire performance, despite that not exactly being the plan. And worst of all, his goatee looks like a vagina. Zack's got a death wish for Dwight (and VFTW) as he wants him to push his voice further. And Jake must have his own death wish as he utters the magic word that makes Worsters violent...Pitchy.

Carly Rae Jepson

The cutest ever three-year-old on Idol is next in Carly Rae. In her blue dress and tiny sweater, Little Carly looks like she's going to visit Grandma in the forest to bring her an apple pie. So sweet! Unfortunately, the effect is lost on VFTW as we've known for a long time that she's a big fake and whore who'll do anything the judges tell her to. Carly gets back to normal after last week's massacre of a song choice as she does Georgia On My Mind which allows for all the batty eyelashes, childish affectations and opened-mouth action that we're used to, while still allowing her to miss all the notes that everyone's become used to. And if there were any reason not to be completely annoyed by Carly by now, someone holds up a sign that says Carly Is Gnarly! Jake is still fooled as he says she showed her vulnerabilty, but nothing like the vulnerability she showed last week when she was in the bottom three! Zack's ready to add more drool but Ben cuts him off and gives him a Bitch Slap harder then when Ryan Seacrest slapped Quincy Jones upside the head.

Brian Melo

John Brunton couldn't give his love child the pimp spot again tonight so he's placed him before some unmemorable blob (see below). For tonight's peaceful Sixties theme, Brian's decided to wear a combat hat . My ears perk up as Ben tells us Brian's doing Axis: Bold As Love by Hendrix, and then immeditately kills the buzz by telling us that John Mayer also covered this song, making me think that Greg's going to flap onto the stage and steal the mic away from Brian. And at some point in the past 40 years, someone (John Mayer) completely destroyed this song as it's unrecognizable at points. Brian's singing ok but must be practicing with Dwight as he too is losing his voice. He seems to be getting angry, perhaps at VFTW for exposing that he's the love child of John Brunton, and the anger's building until...we get a poser mic stand throw that would make even Taylor Hicks laugh.

Khalila Glanville

This girl's been killing me all season as her benign performances and personality have given little for me to write about. I've challenged her to step it up, to no avail. Until you do, Khalila, no more blog entries (and free publicity) for you. If you want to get a blog entry in the future, you must do one of the following:

1. Wear a ponyhawk
2. Take a picture on a toilet
3. Throw a phone at a pregnant person
4. At the top of your lungs, yell "Hi Dave!".

Until you do Khalila, it's no VFTW love for you.

Greg Neufeld

It's-a-flappin'-and-a-hoppin' time as Greg's next. And he continues tonight's theme of Songs From The Sixties Which Were Later Covered By Crappier Artisits as he's doing Long Black Veil by Johnny Cash, which has been covered (and surely massacred) by Dave Matthews. And to get into the Johnny Cash vibe, Greg's all in black and looks like some ominous Bird Of Death. While we laugh at Greg, he deserves a break for admitting that someone else re-arranged this song, as opposed to the last loser who covered a Johnny Cash song and pretended the re-arrangement was his. Greg has become hyper-sensitive about VFTW's jokes about his wings and webs, so he's glued himself to the stool to start the song. But this bird must fly, as Greg takes flight. He's so focused on not hopping around like a spaz that he's forgotten to sing. It's very Sanjaya whispery and ends just in time, as Greg has completely lost his breath. Zack hopes it sounded better on TV, but let VFTW assure you Zack, it didn't. And any homophobia Greg may have will surely be exposed as Zack tells him he could be on Canada's Next Top Model.

Martha Joy

As John Brunton can't give the pimp spot to lovechild Brian again until next week, he's given it to another doomed Ontarian, Martha. Joybot's been programmed for The Sixties tonight and her programmers have tried to install a charisma chip. She's doing Love Child and bears a striking resemblance to its lead singer, Diana Ross. Joybot has been programmed to start out at the back of the stage, and then advance forward until it reaches a stool. It's then been programmed to sit down at the stool. It's also been programmed to miss every other note. And Joybot's inventors have added a new feature this week, an eye f*** option at the end of the song that unfortunately still has a few bugs. Jake knows that one thing that can't be programmed is groove. Zack thinks she's stiff even for a robot. And Farley's so grossed out that he tells Martha I can't tell you what I think. Let VFTW help, Farley...Martha SUCKS!

STP (smarterthanpickler, or smarter than a pickle for Mounts!)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go help Khalila pack her bags.