CI5 Episode 18: Top 8 Acoustic Night: "Put Your Pimp Suit On"

Once again, fantastic recap, mate!

Unplugged acoustics show -- last year it was done for the Top 5 or something, and it was done pretty good. This year they've pulled the same schtik out of the broom closet, found it to be rotting and reeks of unspeakable horrors, and then lit it on fire and called it Crap Flambe. Too bad it reeks so bad it could be smelt from Toronto to Vancouver...

Now, let's go over the menu of delights!

JOYBOT: Like I said before on the forums, her singing True Colours sounded like the equivalent of eating Macdonalds every single day up until it finally becomes bland and tasteless as eating shoe leather (and even then the leather's more appetizing). Throw in a few deep fried chicken heads, and you've got a Value Combo of Crap!

DWIGHT: Every day I eat high fibre cereal, and without something good to drown it in, it usually tastes horrible. While Dwight isn't horrible, it was sort of like eating the cereal with milk laced with tranquilizer -- Every Breath You Take is the gold standard in elevator music...and he did it perfectly. Zzzzzzzz...

JAYDEE: We knew he was in trouble the instant the words "Jaydee" and "Green Day" were used in the same sentence, and I guess it became all too painfully obvious when the word "Elvis" was not added to it to save it. And Albertans do not twang like Nashville -- sorry kiddo, dream on, but it ain't gonna happen. I hope the votes I made to almost abandoned lines helped to save him...he must survive!

TA-RETCHEN WIL-ORAM: Last time it was hot and heavy with the bad, this week it was light on...nothing. Tonight Tara was like bad sushi -- you eat a ton, and then you get sick, but then you're still hungry. It was bad, and lacked any visible...anything! I want my fucking money back!

BRI-YAWN: Once again Bri-yawn manages to bore the living crap out of me for the third week in a row. It's like the MasterCard commercials..."There are something things that money can't buy, for everything to bore the living SHIT out of you repeatedly, there's Bri-yawn."

MATT: Yawn. NEXT!

LOLITA FAKE: Sounded like that Russian prostitute from that seedy dive in St Petersburg in the middle of the movie Goldeneye, you know the one where the pimp screams in Russian to get her off the stage? Yeah -- it was that bad. And she made me bring up a Bond analogy! Double shame!

GREG: And to finish off this Marathon of Crap, we get our dessert. I think the producers wanted to give us a choice, but in the end settled on Hot Shit Sundaes...en flambe! Wow, what a fantastically crappy way to end the night. No wonder all the lines were clear here in Calgary...I ACTUALLY GOT IN TEN VOTES!

...in closing, Iglesias sounded like he was on drugs, and Mulroney probably now realizes that his dad is a moron as Prime Minister.

I like all the different food analogies, Chinaman, for when it mashes all together in the stomach, it all comes out as one big turd, just like this show.

Great recap, Smarter Than A Pickle!

Some notes: WTF is Chris Robinson's obsession with "feeling it" all about? I thought it was particularly funny when he finally told one of the contestants that yes, he "felt it," but it would have been better without all the missed notes! Go to group therapy if you want to "feel it," Chris.

It's easy to see why they're pimping Brian Melo and Carly Rae -- from their performances tonight, they're the most marketable, and remember, that's what Idol is REALLY about.

I don't understand why they're pimping Greg. His performance was...okay...and he just looked weird and awkward on the stage. He certainly didn't deserve the praise the judges gave him, and, looking at the expressions on their faces and the way they delivered that praise, it didn't seem sincere, like they were being [s]paid[/s] made to do it or something. Zach grabbed Greg, not Carly Rae; Chris Robinson looked like he had eaten something that disagreed with him when he delivered HIS speech, and even Farley seemed like he was mouthing something obligatory. I'd love to know what the hell is up with that!!

Also, a word about Jaydee, our VFTW hero. He definitely delivered a VFTW-worthy performance tonight by adding fake twang to a Green Day song (Johnny Cash sings Green Day!) and bouncing awkwardly around the stage. His broad smile and, "I'm from Alberta!" -- he must have been watching Sanjaya.

As always, brilliant stuff, STP!

I have some questions.

1 - Why did Brian steal my dad's cap? Just because Dad is 81 now doesn't mean he can't outrun that bald git.

2 - Do you think Joybot runs on lipo or akaline?

3 - Carly Rae. Why?

4 - Did you also hear Baby Jesus cry when Jaydee lied about who his favourite singer is?

5 - How much did you laugh when you saw that Doormatt was counting the "I know"s using his fingers?

6 - Could Tara get any more boring? I've forgotten what ever it was she sang. Not that dress tho, it's terrible when you get caught in a paper shredder. I think that's what got her shoes.

7 - Isn't there a law strictly forbidding turning The Police's music into Muzak?

8 - Why is Smeg always constipated?

I am so confused, please help me!

Jaydee singing Greenday with a Nashville twang?

Isn't that sort of like the impossible task of trying to have sex with yourself? You can try it, but in the end it's going to hurt and you may permanently harm some vital organs.

GO Jaydee! The next time someone tells you to go fuck yourself, you can proudly tell them " I did that once!"

Magooish

I communicate with a lot of Canadians on this other board that I belong to. They assure me that Canada has very strict laws about vote fixing, and unlike the American version of this show, they really must go by the vote. On American Idol, the vote is merely a guideline, and they can boot a contestant whenever they want (Sanjaya). It looks like if Canadian Idol wants someone booted, they'll just have to wait until that contestant actually gets voted off. But, the judges can do their very best to push a particular contestant, which was apparent last night.

Sorry, but I absolutely hate that mousy Jewel voice. I don't know if Carly is the fake whore that you're talking about, but I can safely say that she's a Jewel wannabe. Jewel herself is annoying enough. We don't need another one.

I think you're a little hard on Tara, though. I think she's smokin' hot. Yeah, she's a Pickler clone, but I don't mind having another Kellie Pickler. Give her a boob job and a duet with Pickler, and you have quadruplets of world-class proportions.

Brian is basically Phil Stacey without the voice.

If I can't fall asleep at night, I'll just replay a video of Matt Rapley performing. That should do the trick. If Matt and Martha ever decide to team up, there would be a great market for them in the area of sleep therapy.

Dwight and Greg are interchangeable parts, and neither of them work for me.

That leaves us Jaydee, and like Sanjaya, he's really the only interesting contestant on that show (although I kind of like Tara). American Idol sucked once Sanjaya left. Canadian Idol would suck worse if Jaydee left. And, since the vote-fixing is more restricted in Canada, it is even more vital to get your votes in for this guy. Hey, fake twangs can work. Look at Bon Jovi. So, vote for Jaydee, and maybe throw a couple votes Tara's way, also.

I want a Jaydee/Tara final. The sooner Jewel, er Carly leaves this show, the better.

Hmm... I agree with you. If Jaydee got cut, this show would be more of a crapfest then AI6 without Sanjaya.

Not to mention I need Jaydee in for Queen Night.

Darn it, I hope he's safe. I voted about 720 times though, which is good for me. But I only got one busy signal. D:

pretty good re-cap. Probably could've done without the "dirty-Jew" comment, though.

<p>

Fair enough. I'll think of something else. But just know which angle I'm coming from.

</p>

<p>

Trust me  ; )

</p>

So there really IS going to be a Queen night? I thought he was just joking. If there's a Queen night, I could almost bet my bottom dollar which song he'd sing. Anyone else got a guess? Let me give you a hint. The first two lines go like this,

This thing, called love

I just - can't han-dle it

Well, the CIVCP (Canadian Internet Video Copyright Police) have made it more difficult for me to watch this show, so now I have to wait until I can find the videos on some independent website that doesn't give a crap. That's usually around Thursday or so.

As far as being able to get through, at least for American Idol, I was always able to get through on every call on my landline, for any contestant. However, on wireless, it was a different story. And, it also depends on where you're calling from and which switch your calls get routed to. Hopefully, our boy made it through. I have a feeling that the eliminated one is either going to be Joy-Bot or that first dude.