CI5 Episode 19: Top 8 Results: "Joybot's Disconnected!"

Posted by smarterthanpickler on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 at 9:28 PM EDT
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It's been 24 hours since the Top 8 performed, giving us just enough time to have slept off last night's John Brunton-conceived disaster. And just in case there's any doubt that VFTW's going to take Jaydee Bixby to the top, his relatives have stopped locking lips long enough to come by here to thank us for our support.

And Jaydee's relatives and fans aren't the only ones catering to VFTW as CTV producers have fully submitted to our demands by getting things started with the group number. Brian's given the first spot in John Brunton's final act of desperation before jumping off the CN Tower. Joybot is positioned next to Brian and her programmers have been so busy giving her a haircut that they forgot to repair her audio card which overloaded last night. Dwight's sitting down for the fifth performance in a row and between his shocking weight gain and crippling injury reaching for the cookies, will be performing standing up as soon as Stevie Wonder does.

Enrique's next and he really wants the Idols to see his different sides so he's going to do two songs. The first song, he shows his touch the nipples/rub the crotch/work up a massive sweat side. In the second, he switches to his reach and point to the camera/pander to the 'tards/stare aimlessly into the rafters side. Enrique tells Ben he moved to Canada when he was 19, just like a Vietnam draft dodger.

While they're wiping the grease off the stage from Enrique's performance, it's time to hang with the true star of Canadian Idol...the transexual hairdresser! We see shim with the different Idols except Dwight, who's battle with his receeding hairline has become a lost cause. And the hairdresser's really having his hands full detangling Carly Rae's hair after Ben and Zack joined Brunton in the gangbang last night.

It's time to dump the garbage to the curb and Matt's going to have to dispense his last drop of energy and stand up and lumber to the middle of the stage as he's in the bottom two. And although Brunton's already killed himself, Carly Rae and Greg must remain as he already has commitments lined up for their tailor-made pimpfests yet to come. And what a shame that Brunton jumped as he didn't get to see his son Brian miracuously make the Top 7. We don't have to be told that Jaydee is safe because if VFTW can get Sanjaya to the Top Seven on American Idol, imagine what we can do in America's Hat! The makeup artists can immediately start working on Tara for next week as she's safe, and hopefully they'll be ready this time. And Dwight is eligible to return next week but might not make it at the rate his body's falling apart. And Joybot's programmers have anticipated this day would come as they've programmed her to rise, pivot, take six paces towards the center of the stage and switch to rest mode and join Matt in the bottom two.

Joybot's now positioned next to Matt and they're emitting as much energy, charisma and sexual tension as the Jordin/Blake AI6 finale. And if Jaydee's moving on and Brunton's passing hasn't been enough to make VFTW's day, the robotic bully who dashed Montana's dream and threatened to make us listen to Celine Dion for fifteen weeks has been permanently disconnected! Joybot's designers have brought a backup system to help her get through the singout. But this system was built by some drunk NASA astronaut as Joybot completely breaks down and releases all the pent-up emotions it's been holding back over its sixty years of operation.

While the Top 8 show was designed by Brunton especially for chosen ones Carly and Greg, next week's theme has been chosen by VFTW as it's Queen night! The question isn't whether Jaydee's going to do Crazy Little Thing Called Love; the question is, will Brian May show up after hearing about what a career-ender this show is or will he long for the days when he was bitch slapping Ace Young.

 

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go tell Montana to celebrate because Joybot's not going to be able to steal her skateboard ever again!

 

 


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Insane
Posted: 7/31/2007 at 10:23 PM Reply with quote
Administrator Location: Back East, different places

Another hilarious entry, STP! Bravo!

Poor Martharians, they must be sad over the elimination of their Great Aunt Martha. :(

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wongjongat
Posted: 7/31/2007 at 10:46 PM Reply with quote
Location: Montreal

I have to say, even though the overall quality of this year's contestants is crap, I still find it disturbing that all the people of colour are all getting knocked off in the early rounds. I think the only two non-white people that ever made it into the top three have been Gary whatsisname, the black guy from season 1, Melissa O'Neill, who's half-Asian, and Eva Avila, who's half-latin American. If Matt goes next week, I think it will be very telling about this show's audience.
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Twisted Chinaman
Posted: 7/31/2007 at 10:47 PM Reply with quote
Location: Calgary, AB

Ding-dong the bitch is gone

Which little bitch? That emotionless little bitch!

Ding-dong that emotionless bitch is gone

Wake up you retard cases

Open your eyes, get a brain

Wake up to the fact her singing sucks 'nads.

She's back where the talentless hacks are,

Deep - deep - obscurity

Yo-ho, let's celebrate and sing and declare our joy

Yeah-yo a stereo, Jaydee's still in, and still a go

Let them know the Montana-killing bitch is GONEEEEEEE...
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Twisted Chinaman
Posted: 7/31/2007 at 10:52 PM Reply with quote
Location: Calgary, AB

It's mostly tweenage girls who couldn't care less what colour someone's skin is as long as they can sound half decent and looks cute...so you can't expect too much from that part.
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elvenjewel
Posted: 8/1/2007 at 12:56 AM Reply with quote
Location: At the Copa! Copacabana!

Honestly, I expect Matt to go next or soon and NOT because he's black. Fact is, he looks like Fat Albert, who wasn't exactly a sex symbol. If he had the personality of a Sanjaya, he MIGHT have a chance, looking like that, but he's boring as well. He isn't even as INTERESTING as Fat Albert. Ruben Studdard got away with that...but Matt's no Ruben, not by a long shot. Ruben appeals to a niche audience anyway -- Clay Aiken was the REAL winner of that season. Matt's mom likes him. I don't see him having much of a fanbase other than that.

You have a point on the rest of it, though. Interesting that all the white kids rose to the top.

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regulus
Posted: 8/1/2007 at 12:58 AM Reply with quote
Location: Canada

Based on the population demographics for Canada the total visible minority percentage is 13.4%. Blacks represent 2.2% of the total population of Canada so by having 3 Black contestants in the top 22, that's 13.6% of the Top 22.

I'm not saying people align themselves by colour, but I'm sure it has something to do based on this 'regional' voting stuff.
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Piggingator
Posted: 8/1/2007 at 1:38 AM Reply with quote
Location: Canada

I have to agree with Twisted Chinaman on this one.

You can't survive on CI if you aren't a good looking boy.

I doubt they care about singing either.

Yay! Joybot's gone!! WOOT!! JAYDEE'S IN QUEEN NIGHT!!!1shift
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Smartie
Posted: 8/1/2007 at 2:06 AM Reply with quote
Anorexia Face Location: are they ceiling Lauren fat?? :O

<i>We don't have to be told that Jaydee is safe because if VFTW can get Sanjaya to the Top Seven on American Idol, imagine what we can do in America's Hat!</i>

AND WE DID IT AGAIN!

JAYVIS IS IN THE TOP SEVEN! VICTORY!!!!!

Hhahahahah I love your blogs, STP. Hilarious!

<i>Joybot is positioned next to Brian and her programmers have been so busy giving her a haircut that they forgot to repair her audio card which overloaded last night.</i>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I've watched Joybot's malfunction four times now, and it gets funnier at every viewing. I loved it so much I put it on my blog, so Australia can see how CRAP SHE IS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WTF was with Julio Jnr? Why would you tell the nation you have anxiety and were nuts?!! Why did he sing such drivel, so badly? Why did he touch himself so much? WHY WAS HE THERE?

When is CI going to have actual Canadian stars on it? Not ring ins from America etc, but real Canadians who actually make a living making music?

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all_sabrina
Posted: 8/1/2007 at 2:44 AM Reply with quote
Location: Bon Temps, LA

It's too bad you won't be able to do any more Jotbot jokes. They were wonderful.

"And the hairdresser's really having his hands full detangling Carly Rae's hair after Ben and Zack joined Brunton in the gangbang last night."

But I'm sure you can make up for it with Canada's Little Lolita, their mini version of McTatas.

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magooish
Posted: 8/1/2007 at 3:19 AM Reply with quote
Magoo, you've done it again! Location: Cartoon land

Jaydee sings Queen. Pigs are flying out of my butt. OUCH!

If Freddie Mercury could just find it in his ghostly being to channel himself into Jaydee's body for one night, it would make TV history. Freddie always loved a shocker. This would be Freddie Mercury's revenge.

Shall we rename Jaydee "Elvijonnfreddee" for the night?

Magooish
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