CI5 Episode 20: Top 7 Perform Queen: "Elvis Is Still In The Building!"

After last week's contrived John Brunton (1912-2007) disaster to pimp his chosen ones, VFTW's taken over and it's time to pimp our chosen one as it's Queen Night! And we show our benevolence, as opposed to the pussies at Sir-Links-A-Lot who won't pimp our blog and wrote me I find the whole concept of promoting mediocrity morally wrong...I'm not all high and mighty about everything but this just crosses the line for me by repaying Jaydee's relatives for their support of VFTW by giving the pimpspot to their boy/brother/cousin...

We begin with a recap of Queen's career and in an attempt to look more like Freddie Mercury, Ben is looking slightly less feminine tonight. Ben tells us that Queen is THE GREATEST BRITISH BAND OF ALL TIME!1!1!, if you ignore The Beatles, The Stones, The Who, Cream, Led Zep, The Kinks, The Pistols, The Animals...Brian May is wearing a shirt cast aside by Freddie Mercury long ago as being too gay. Zack says our Idols will make these songs their own by giving them their own twist, like Tara's fake twang or Carly being an even bigger drama queen than Freddie. Ben asks Jake why it's been only women eliminated so far. Jake explains that purifying this show is a gradual process, as Canada began with the women of colour before they eliminate Matt tomorrow night.

Brian Melo

Brian's wearing hat 57.003 for his meeting with Queen. He's doing Too Much Love and has switched to hat 234.9A for the performance. Brian sounds solid during the verse, a bit like Freddie Mercury circa 1987, but then moves to the chorus and sounds like Freddie circa 2007. And perhaps Brian believe's Too Many Notes Can Kill You as he doesn't even bother with the final note of the song. Sass is getting into the hard rock spirit with her bags under her eyes and apparently her sugar daddy has dared her to say juxtaposition at some point tonight. Zack says ...pitchwise, it was sketchy. Hmmm...pitchwise...sketchy...pitchwisesketchy...pitchetchy...PITCHY!

Greg Neufeld

Greg's next and, with his bastard arrangement of a Queen song, is a leading candidate to receive the bitch slapping Brian May gave Ace Young last year. And Brunton made sure to write into Queen's contract that they must lick his chosen one's butt. Greg's doing We Are The Champions. He sings ...and bad mistakes, I've made a few...like singing Rocket Man last year and running out of John Mayer songs with six weeks still to go. While the other judges do their job by bending over for Greg, Zack doesn't get it and feels like he must be sitting in the cone of silence (do you have room for me, Zack?). And Jake's wasting his saliva on Greg because we are about to hang with the true star of CI5...

Tranny Hairdresser!

Now that VFTW's taken over, Canada should expect many more features of the true star of CI5, the tranny hairdresser! And shim's giving a shoutout to VFTW by giving Dwight the Dave Della Terza cut. And shim tells Jaydee the Aryan brushcut is so 1945! and rubs in the last drop of mousse Ben left in the bottle.

Carly Rae Jepson

The cutest little faker's next and she's smiling, which means she's sad, and says she's excited to meet Queen, which means she has no idea who Brian May is. Carly's doing Killer Queen and has given this a cabaret spin that has Freddie Mercury yelling down from Heaven Tone it down, Bitch! The wardrobe team has obviously had it with Carly and have given her some truly atrocious outfit tonight. Carly's performance is some combination of the winner of a children's beauty contest and the insane stage mother who rode her there. Sass calls her performance Ballsy!, but not as ballsy as Sass ignoring all the missed notes. Ben's hitting on Carly for the past 2 months has gotten him nowhere so he's trying a new approach, telling her...You look like a Super Hero!, hoping the fantard-dweeb approach may work instead.

Matt Rapley

Matt's next and hopefully he's built up enough energy over the past seven days to get through a 90 second performance. He's doing Under Pressure, twisting the thorn in VFTW's side as this is the song our darling Montana would've done. And the ground beneath Matt is Under Extreme Pressure. Matt's giving us his usual Corpse With Soul performance, but seems to have confused Freddie Mercury with David Bowie as he's doing only Bowie's part. Zack may have come up with a solution for Matt's lethargy, telling Matt he'd like to hit him with a cattle prod across the head, to which Matt tiredly responds Thank you!

Dwight D'Eon

Lobster Boy's next and it takes Queen about two seconds to notice his thrashing claws when he sings. Brian May subtley asks ...No Guitar? but Dwight's determined to gain control of his claws, even if he has to wrap a rubber band around them to keep them from grabbing onto his nuts. And talking of tying things up, Matt's doing Tie Your Mother Down and is running around the audience like some drunk gray-haired singer adored by fifty-year-old hags who love smashing their heads against their keyboards. And Dwight's valiant attempt to rock out is spoiled on an audience that looks like some Bixby Clan Reunion. And while the tranny hairdresser has completely given up on him, Dwight's completely given up on singing. Jake gives the performance a 10, the vocals a 7, Dwight's shirt a zero and his drugs a 20.

Tara Oram

Cold Plates is next and she's dipped into Naomi Blackhall's closet as Tara looks like a Newfy fisherman's dominatrix wife. Brian May wonders if she has a little country influence, which surprises him as she's a chick from Ontario pretending to be a Newfy with a fake twang. Tara's doing Headlong and has almost got this show all figured out, as she knows that running around the stage like some fool in some whore outfit should be enough to cover all the missed notes. But there's still another 10% of faking to go as she runs out of gas before the song finishes. While this was Tara's most contemporary performance, Zack's glad she kept enough of her country Yips! to remind us that Tara is still a hick in whore's clothing.

Jaydee Bixby

And VFTW puts its final stamp on tonight's show by giving the pimp spot to our Golden Boy, Jaydee. He's doing I Want To Break Free and Brian May feels a bit of the angst of the song is lost when sung by some dopey looking/constantly-smiling 16-year-old dork who exclaims ...but I'm from Alberta! And to thank VFTW for making him their choice, Jaydee is not only doing his finest Elvis imitation yet, he's giving us...Leather Elvis! Jaydee's in the audience and is running around like some drunk gray-haired singer adored by fifty-year-old hags who love smashing their heads against their keyboards. And nothing says VFTW like our choice doing his best imitation of Elvis doing a Queen song with a fake twang wearing leather pants. And even Sass has submitted to VFTW by saying Elvis is still in the building! Meanwhile, Zack proclaimed his Worseness weeks ago and finds Jaydee's Pat Boone in leather oddly appealing, almost as appealing as VFTW finds Jaydee who, along with Jaydee's mother/sisters/cousins/second cousins/future wife, are going to take Canada's finest Under-18 Elvis Imitator to the top!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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