CI5 Episode 22: Top 6 Pop Week: "Boo-Hoo :( Greg's Gone...STFU!"

Posted by smarterthanpickler on Monday, August 13, 2007 at 8:27 PM EDT
Share:

The game of rotating producers continues as after Brunton had Acoustic Night to pimp Carly Rae and VFTW had Queen Night to pimp our chosen one in Jaydee, it's Brunton's turn again as it's Pop/Rock Night, the perfect opportunity to pimp his other chosen one, Greg Neufeld. But Greg will have to watch tonight's show from some store window by the curb where he's living as VFTW was solely responsible for the greatest upset in Idol history and finally exposing Greg and his family as bitter bitches.

 

And as if Greg and his family's incessant whining weren't enough, the show starts off with Brunton's tool Ben continuing the whining for another five minutes until the judges take over. Ben has freshly lubed his hair this week in order to keep up with guest Adam Levine and Maroon 5 who, in fear of catching the Canadian Idol Flu that has taken down Mika and Brian May and will soon be taking down Avril Lavigne, are taking no chances and aren't even in the same country as this career-ending crapfest.

Tara Oram

Cold Plates is up and she'll be the first to get to be mentored by Maroon 5 via satellite. If nothing else, Tara proves she knows her fatal weakness as she asks Moron 5 how to strike the perfect balance between movement and singing. She's doing Walking On Sunshine and there obviously must've been some problem with the satellite connection as it seems Tara heard none of their advice and is continuing to strike the perfect imbalance between movement and singing. Tara's wearing earings that look like fishing lures, perhaps explaining why she's flopping around like a fish. And if flopping like a fish isn't enough to appeal to her Newfy demographic, she's giving us a Yip! and a Woo! every three words just in case we forgot she's the second biggest piece of trailer trash on this show (see below!).

Jaydee Bixby

And in case you didn't get enough of an inbred singer with a fake twang to start the show off, VFTW's Great White Hope (very white!) is next. Jaydee knows what being VFTW's choice means (see Sanjaya) so he asks Moron Five how to deal with success. They tell him he should keep on following Elvis' life path and everything should turn out ok. And Jaydee's fully gotten into the VFTW spirit as, despite the fact that it's Pop Night, he gives a big middle finger to Brunton and does a purely country song in Lonestar's Amazed. And just in case he hasn't thanked VFTW enough for their support, Jaydee has the Crazy Leg, dopey grin and fake twang going at full throttle right from the git-go. And Jaydee's not going to relent as he sustains a twang throughout the song which sounds like Randy Travis getting disemboweled. Farley says that while teenage hearts may be throbbing, it's his ears that are throbbing. But for VFTW, it's a different body part that's throbbing as Jaydee has fully embraced VFTW as we take him to the top of this pile of crap.

Matt Rapley

And now for one of the great moments of irony as anorexic Adam Levine is about to give advice to the fattest Idol ever. Matt asks How do you stay focused on stage? But Matt can't stay focused long enough to hear the answer as he knows he's only 90 seconds away from his next box of twinkies. And he, like Jaydee, VFTW and the rest of Canada, tells Brunton to go f*** himself as he completely ignores tonight's theme and is doing Everything by Micheal Buble, who of course is an honorary Worster after giving us a shout-out last year when he asked Can I still vote for Antonella? Despite plans to the contrary, Matt starts the song sitting down at the piano as he's pooped from dragging his massive girth onto the stage. And in an attempt to show any sign of life, Matt has taken a few too many of Jaydee's Happy Pills as he has a dopey grin on his face as large as Jaydee when his sisters are lining up for a smooch. But Matt gets his second wind, stands up and lumbers into the audience, takes a girl's hand and gives her that look that says We are not going to have sex tonight.

Carly Rae Jepsen

It's fakey-fakey time as Carly's next. She says she banged her first boyfriend around the time Maroon 5 came out and has a special place in her heart for them, right where her screwed-over ex-boyfriend would like to stab her. But Carly seems to have had it with boys by making the Universal I AM A LESBIAN! declaration by doing Melissa Etheridge's Come To My Window. And knowing that her fan support is dwindling and her time on the show is running out, Carly is now desperately pandering to VFTW by holding a broken note long enough for Anne Heche to turn straight, become gay, then become straight again, then jump off a building.

Brian Melo

Brian's wearing a green tuque to ask Maroon 5 his question. He's wearing a beige cap in practice. He's wearing a black fedora for his performance.

Dwight D'Eon

And the crappiest show of the season reaches its climax with Dwight. He asks Maroon Five what part of the business has surprised them the most. They say it's the marketing aspect, things associated with having a receeding hairline, horrendous taste in clothing and a huge ass. Greg was going to re-open the Cake Songbook and do Smooth by Santana but since he's eating his dinner under some bridge, Dwight's going to do it instead. And after weeks of trying to conquer his Crazy Arm, he's finally submitted to its power and is performing with his guitar. And Dwight has found the perfect way of distracting us from his receeding hairline by wearing a sequined jacket that will have Cojo from Entertainment Tonight calling him a fairy. And Dwight's been doing his homework at VFTW as along with covering up his Crazy Arm, he's also covering his complete lack of a voice by giving us the longest guitar solo in Idol history. But while Dwight may have been able to cover up his flaws this week (receeding hairline/horrendous taste in style/expanding gut/Crazy arm/lobster brain/complete lack of voice/huge ass), Frogtard (and Dave!) will eventually cry because with VFTW's support and the bitter Neufeld's out of the way, Jaydee Bixby is only four weeks away from becoming the next Canadian Idol!

 

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go tell John Brunton, the judges, Ben Mulroney and Greg's family and fans to shut the f*** up.


1 2 next › last »
elvenjewel
Posted: 8/13/2007 at 8:54 PM Reply with quote
Location: At the Copa! Copacabana!

Oh that was great! The real show isn't nearly as fun to watch!
Back to top
Twisted Chinaman
Posted: 8/13/2007 at 9:06 PM Reply with quote
Location: Calgary, AB

I have a feeling I wasn't watching Canadian Idol any more tonight -- rather, I was watching the first episode of the Canadian version of the Next Best Thing. Instead of our usual set of judges, they've turned into the same pieces of crap no-namers that headed that panel. Only they are still vaguely memorable rockers from the 1880s (B.C.E.)

So let's start with our contestants! While we've still got the judges weeping the loss last week of the contestant trying to fuse David Hasselhoff and the headman for Moronic 5 together, let's get started!

SHANIA TWAIN (Ta-retchen Wil-oram): Katrina and the Waves won Eurovision, which is one of the kitschiest song competitions out there. I think Katrina was actually the last British winner of that gong show -- that doesn't mean you need to follow it up and make the sound like "Walking in a Cloud of Exhaust on a Toronto Streetside." At least she dropped the dominatrix Shania look, and went for the Hilary Duff when she turns 30 look.

GARTH BROOKS (Jaydee): The boy has clearly lost his way. Tonight was bad, and not VFTW bad (that seems to be the consensus). Perhaps it is Brunton who is suckering him into changing his styles to try to throw us off, but good try, we're not that easily fooled -- nor are the people of Drumheller. Trust me, you don't want to be messing with their little Jaydee, lest you get the residents of Sunnyvale (or whatever) Retirement Mausoleum angry!

MICHAEL CRAP-LE (Fartt Crapley): Does anyone remember Vanilla Ice, and has any one actually tried to make vanilla ice? It tastes like crap. It's the same thing as trying to do the opposite. What retard would not be able to figure out that doing the absolute opposite of what never worked in the first place will simply end in failure again. And trust me, adding chocolate to ice also tastes like crap.

AVRIL LAVIGNE (Lolita Fake): Sounded more like a wail than any pieces of turd that Melissa Etheridge could ever produced. It started like dirty dish water in the blandness it exuded, but when the wailing and moaning started you know either something's wrong or she's doing something -- let's not even go there any more, it soils my own mind just thinking what could've caused that sort of blood curdling wail.

FRENCH MIME (Brian Smello): I was by this time too bored, and was watching Yvon of the Yukon and So You Think You Can Dance. Why the hell do you need to lock down to announce when you could've saved money by cancelling your crappy show? Oh, and Brian really wasn't very good as usual.

FILL IN THE BLANK (Dwight): Surprisingly the sleeper good act of the evening. Note that I said the word ACT. It was a good acting job, but the singing was at best a "meh". Fatt took the idea to cover himself with the piano for at least half the performance, but the guitar was a nice touch. For a song that I've heard about a million times at my old work place, it was...acceptable.
Back to top
Smartie
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 2:19 AM Reply with quote
Anorexia Face Location: are they ceiling Lauren fat?? :O

I hate to be Miss Pedantic Pants but that incredibly ugly Josh Palmer (he of hideous hairdos and repulsive teeth) actually did a guitar solo in CI3. So Ben told a porkie tonight!

I watched this show with a growing sense of disgust in the Idol machine today.

Tara - Shania Twain did not do that song, so why are you singing it like she did? Where's the bondage gear? That was the only interesting thing about you last week, do it again!

Jaydee - why is it his right leg beats its own time, totally different to the rhythm of the song? One of these days he's going to lose concentration and finally not sing in that fake Elvis voice - you can tell it requires all his concentration which is why he stands there so stiffly and randomly moves occasionally. That was....ummmm

Doormatt - apparently you sound better live. Well on tv you sound quite dead and flat, neither of which I would think possible for someone as FAT as you. Stop eating! You always sound out of breath, probably as your gut is squeezing the life out of your lungs! Awful, once again.

Cawwee - AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sorry was having a flashback to that long note that cracked and took out several swallows flying overhead. What the? Nice try to suck up to the lesbians, lady, they're not silly and falling for it, you skank.

Bwian - was that Freddie Krueger up there? And could I please get subtitles for him when he "sings" as I cannot understand a word of it. He danced around like a drunk Aussie at a BBQ where the beer is flowing like water. Bizarre. Bad.

Dwight - what sort of a bet did you lose? It must have been a bad one if you were forced to wear that hideous clown costume! Wow, another shitty/flat performance and some ordinary guitar work. Boring.

Best of the night......ummmmmmmmmmmmmm Zack. He made the funniest bitchy remarks.
Back to top
Piggingator
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 3:18 AM Reply with quote
Location: Canada

I love Zack! He's awesome this season! Now to Brunton. What ws up with the Pop-Rock theme, some of these people didn't sing pop-rock, they sang something completely different! I didn't get to see Jaydee sing Pop-Rock! *Sob* And then you messed with Jaydee's lines three times when I was voting! I'm on to you, Brunton! If Jaydee goes, I'm going to put on my angry teenie hat and blame you!

Tara was not too good, but she looked like she was having fun performing, if anyone cares.

Jaydee. Silly cheater not singing pop-rock. Ah well, the singing was crap-tastic. Which is always nice. Hope he gets through. I voted for two hours! Please no Greg/Liam boots this week!

Matt. Meh. Sang one of my favorite songs though.

Carly. This girl needs to die even more now. She completely murdered one of my favorite songs. And again, the judges don't notice. I can't take much more of this. Carly, I hope to god your next.

Brian. He sucked. I like some other people, couldn't understand what he was saying, and the singing wasn't good. I think you msy be in trouble, Brunton.

Dwight. Singing was crap, guitar playing was great. This isn't Guitar Idol you know.

That was so craptastic. I hope Carly, Brian, Dwight or Matt go. So that we can have a yodeltastic, crapalooza, coon-treh finale. YEE-HAA!!
Back to top
magooish
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 4:03 AM Reply with quote
Magoo, you've done it again! Location: Cartoon land

STP, Twisted, Smartie and Piggie,

You all did a great job filling me in on the gory details. I'm not much for snuff films, but this one sounds like it was a rotting corpse before the film began!

**Cheated!!! Robbed!!!***

Since it still stinks and involved death of one kind or another, it's still technically snuff.

I'm queasy sick about our Jaydee tonight. My tinfoil hat is telling me that he's going home. But then again the voices in my head are telling me to tune into "the Lot" tonight. So, who should I believe?

I think I'll just wait and see what kind of screams come from the Jaydee thread later. They will either be squeals of joy, or yelps of pain. Either way, it hurts my ears.

As for "The Rot", my Dr. told me specifically not to watch it again as I may impale myself on a plastic fork. They don't allow me to have real cutlery anymore, not since Home School Kenny was sent home to get some skool.

The life of a schizophrenic TV addict is so splintered...

Magooish

Back to top
Piggingator
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 4:22 AM Reply with quote
Location: Canada

I have a bad feeling about Jaydee going too. Even if I voted for about two hours.

But if he stays, it will definatly be celebration time!

I hope Carly gets the Greggie/Liam boot this week. I would jump up and down like a crazy fangirl if it does happen!
Back to top
melismaqueen
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 5:21 AM Reply with quote

I don't like country music at all. NOT. AT. ALL. But I have to admit that I would get all 'gasm-y if we had a Tiny Elvis/Shitia Twain finale!
Back to top
smarterthanpickler
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 6:19 AM Reply with quote
Administrator Location: In your head

<p>

Hey Smartie!

</p>

<p>

We'll say Dwight played the first <em>legal</em> guitar solo ever. He's much better when he doesn't sing. Next week, he should do the guitar solo from <em>Red House</em> that Jimi Hendrix did at The Isle Of Wight.

</p>

<p>

Zack summed up Josh Palmer perfectly in one word...<em>Icky</em>

</p>

Back to top
Van Dergraaf
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 6:49 AM Reply with quote

But then again the voices in my head are telling me to tune into "the Lot" tonight.

I saw in my newspaper's Monday reality show highlights column, that the Rot pimped one, Zach, got the boot. Anyone know who made the final? Not that I care who's in; just want to know one of them isn't that idiot with the sideways baseball cap.
Back to top
Smartie
Posted: 8/14/2007 at 12:27 PM Reply with quote
Anorexia Face Location: are they ceiling Lauren fat?? :O

The Lot is still on? Really? Wow, I thought it was canned for lack of interest once the Professor stopped watching; wasn't he the only audience member?

I hope Jayvis makes it thru, I'd kill myself laughing if we had a Shania Twang/Jayvis Bixsley final!
Back to top
1 2 next › last »

Subscribe


s