CI5 Episode 23: Top 6 Results: "Only Four More Weeks 'Till VFTW Makes History!"

While I dump my garbage to the curb on Mondays, Canadian Idol does it on Tuesdays as it's elimination night. And now that VFTW's in charge, we get the self indulgence off to an immediate start as we begin with the group number. And our boy Jaydee's bringing an extra-fake twang that has the cast of Brokeback Mountain screaming Tone It Down! And Dwight's extra-wide body guitar is almost concealing his humongous ass.

Ben comes out and tells us that he's going to be a lying little bitch tonight as he says there were 3.1 million votes cast last night. We then move on to yesterday's recrap, perhaps in an attempt to make Maroon 5's upcoming performance seem a little less putrid. But Brunton's scheming fails once again as Maroon 5 give us two performances which seriously have VFTW reconsidering its pick. And Adam Levine's one of the great VFTW Could've Beens as he's a graduate Magna Cum Laude from the Chris Richardson Nasally Is A form Of Singing school, is flapping like the now-extinct Neufeld Bird and is even giving VFTW a shout-out by giving us the best Crazy Elvis Leg this side of Jaydee Bixby.

Making it to the top 5 on an Idol show is quite impressive so now it's time to crush some loser's dream who'll have come oh so close. We begin with Matt and Carly Rae and obesity conquers anorexia as Matt's safe and Carly will have to move to the middle of the stage again, this time accompanied by a couple of white coats from the psychiatric ward. Dwight and Jaydee are next. Dwight seems to know all about VFTW and understands what Jaydee being our pick means so he might as well start lumbering his huge ass over to the middle of the stage, and hopefully he'll be able to make it there before the show's over. We end with Brian and Tara and while it seemed that Tara's performance last night had enough fake twang, Newfy affectations, Yips! and Woos! to appeal to her demographic, she's surprisingly in the bottom three.

And if there's any doubt at all that VFTW's completely in control, we now see Jaydee's three biggest threats standing together in the middle of the stage in Loser's Lane. And Zack makes a further concession to VFTW as he says that regional voting is overated as he knows that a website that can get Sanjaya to the Top 7 on American Idol can elect the next Prime Minister of Canada. But for Jaydee to win this show, he will have to consolidate the imbred/fake-twang/sister-kissing/trailer trash demographic, and VFTW takes a HUGE step in that direction by eliminating Tara tonight. Cold Plates was a cool chick and jiggled around nicely, just that gosh darn singing problem. We'll be keeping an eye on Tara and ask all our Newfy Worsters to snap a photo for us if you ever see her at some truck stop.

While seeing Tara's dreams crushed and Maroon 5 making asses of themselves is fun, VFTW's getting antsy as there are only four weeks left on this crapfest and we can smell our greatest ever VFTW Victory coming, unless we're smelling the crap coming out of Greg and his family's mouths. Kelly Clarkson will be mentoring the Top 5 next week, probably from Clive Davis' dungeon. While no one has any clue what the themes are anymore, it doesn't matter as Jaydee Bixby is going to give a big middle finger to John Brunton next week and give VFTW a country/fake twang/imbred/hick/trailer trash performance that's going to make Cold Plates Oram a distant memory and bring us one step closer to completely taking over this comatose show (and country) and making VFTW history in Canada!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send a message or go tell Jaydee's sisters that in four weeks, they're going to want to do a lot more than kiss their brother.