CI5 Episode 24: Top 5 Perform (Theme Unknown/Who Cares!): "Higher Than Elvis"

We're down to the Top 5 and this rudderless ship is completely out of control as there is no theme tonight. Along with her daily whippings, part of Kelly Clarkson's penitence to Clive Davis is to mentor this hopeless lot. Jake says we're going to learn about the Idols tonight, like about Jaydee's alcoholism and Matt's connection to Saskatchewan Communists. Ben asks Sass what the Idols can learn from Kelly, and she says that Matt should be motivated knowing that someone can win an Idol show even with thunder thighs.

Matt Rapley

Just in case what's-his-face isn't memorable enough, he gets the deadly first spot tonight. And Kelly Clarkson isn't completely drugged out (yet) as it takes her two seconds to notice that Matt has as much life in him as the drab shirts worn by his Saskatchewan Communist Comrades. Matt's doing Higher Ground by the Chilli Peppers but the area of the stage where he has planted his massive girth is turning into Sunken Ground. And Matt would've been better off doing Stevie Wonder's version instead as he's moving around the stage as much as Stevie. Matt's looking very angry, like Dwight's stolen his last case of twinkies. And while Sass has been completely useless this season, she finally speaks on something she's an authority on as she assures Matt that it doesn't matter if you're in tune.

The malicious CTV producers know that Matt serves as the perfect lead in to some pimp-whore piece about food. We see the Idols in the mansion. Dwight eats a cracker. The Idols are sitting around the table asking what the hell's the theme this week? Matt eats two crackers with cheese. Carly says this theme gives you the chance to be melodramatic. Dwight grabs a whole row of crackers and shoves them into his mouth. Jaydee says he was amazed when he met Ben Mulroney. Matt opens a new box of crackers and sucks down the entire box in four seconds...

Dwight D'Eon

Dwight's next and hopefully he'll be able to make it to the stage after polishing off six box of crackers and three pounds of Kraft cheese. Kelly likes Dwight's experience and finds a man with a receeding hairline, big gut and huge ass appealing, like Clive Davis. Dwight's doing Bed Of Roses by Bon Jovi and he's clearly following VFTW's advice as after hiding his complete lack of a voice last week by playing the longest guitar solo EVER, he's now sitting down at the piano for the first time to hide his huge ass. And sitting down is having a strange effect on Dwight as he isn't screaming his voice hoarse. But Dwight gets arrogant and stands up, which is just the leverage he needs to scream until our heads explode. Sass has a look of amazement on her face that Einstein must've had when he discoverd E=MC² as she screams in shock You were in tune!

Jaydee Bixby

Everything's coming up VFTW as Vegas favourite Jaydee's next. And maybe some of those man-whore rumours are true as he's giving Kelly the 'ole Is that an Elvis belt buckle or are you just happy to see me? routine. Kelly says that Jaydee's the loudest singer she's ever heard, perhaps because he's rip-roaringly drunk. But not half as drunk as VFTW as our boy has the opportunity to chose any song ever writen and has submitted to his full Worseness by doing Elvis! And if Jaydee's not pandering to VFTW enough with his endless Elvis imitation, boozing and womanizing, he's let the tranny hairdresser molest his hair tonight. Not that it would matter, but this Elvis song gives Jaydee the excuse to have the Crazy Elvis leg, fake Elvis twang and dopey look right from the git-go. And nobody's higher than Canadian Worsters right now as we get our own Little Crying Girl moment as Jaydee saunters into the audience and drapes a sweaty white silk scarf around some tard's neck who he'll surely have molested by the time this blog's been posted.

Carly Rae Jepsen

Little Carly's next and it's the deaf leading the blind as she asks fellow psycho Kelly for advice. Kelly tells her to surround herself with good people and asks Carly Do you have any long-time friends? ...(Silence)... Do you? ...Well? ...Anybody home?...Answer me, bitch! Carly's doing Chuck E's In Love by Rickey Lee Jones and is going where no Idol has gone before by singing in a foreign language. The verse begins Goo-gaa, goo-goo-gaa, followed by the bridge Ga-goo ga-gee, leading to the familiar chorus of Goo-Gee's Ga-Wuv. Farley notices Carly's use of the stage and says her movement will serve her well no matter what she lands up doing, whether it be as a lounge singer performing in some dive or in a remake of Taxi Driver as the child prostitute.

Brian Melo

Brian's wearing a hat.

Final Rant

Coming into Canadian Idol, we wondered how powerful VFTW would be in Canada after the miracle we created on American Idol 6. While drunken/whore mongering contestants, Saskatchewan Commies and flashers bring Worsters and all Canadians together, VFTW clearly has its eyes focused squarley on the prize as we and Canada are realizing our power as we are only a couple of weeks away from pulling off the greatest VFTW victory ever. The laughing of the 'tards has ended and the vicious rumours about our choice Jaydee Bixby from Greg, his family and supporters are flying as they are now submitting to the fact that VFTW is oh-so-close to making some dopey, fake twang, third-rate Elvis impersonator the next Canadian Idol!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go save the World by recycling all the boxes of crackers and packages of cheese polished off by Matt and Dwight.