CI5 Episode 25: Top 5 Results: "Jesus Hates Fat Communists"

It's a historic night at VFTW as Jaydee Bixby, thanks to our power, money and millions of votes, is trying to set the record as longest running VFTW pick EVER! And we know it's VFTW's night as we start with the group number. Our Idols are doing Change The World and it might as well be Matt and Dwight in the Top 2 as their massive girths are taking up the entire stage. Without the judges waiting, Carly Rae seems extra loose missing every other note. And Jaydee's twang is in full effect, but don't we all sing with a twang when we're piss drunk?

Ben Mulroney comes out and he's a bigger liar than his father as he tells us there were 4.1 million votes last night. Ben says that tonight's guest Kelly Clarkson is an example of where this show can take you, right into Clive Davis' dungeon. Kelly's first song is her latest flop Never Again. Kelly's angry as hell and has decided to sabotage her album (and career) just to spite Clive Davis. She follows this three minutes of incessant whining with Because Of You and is actually looking alright with her Jorbacca arms and thunder thighs fully covered. Throw on a Burka and I'd hit it.

Ben's back to tell us that VFTW has another assignment as we'll be picking the songs for the Top 3. Then it's time to find out who'll be kicked out of the mansion tonight, other than Jaydee, who was kicked out of the mansion weeks ago. Brian's wearing a hat...oh yeah, and he's safe. Dwight's next and he can settle himself into the comfortable dent in the middle of the stage which his huge ass has made over the past few weeks. And it's time for Sanjaya to hang up the ponyhawk and Corpsey Lebland to be dissected as Jaydee is SAFE and sets the new record for longest run by a VFTW pick EVER! Carly Rae's next and she can stop popping the quaaludes as she's safe, meaning we'll be back in an hour when Matt's been able to drag his disturbingly massive girth to the middle of the stage...

We're back and if Jaydee setting one record tonight wasn't enough, we set another as Matt and Dwight combine to make up the heaviest Bottom 2 on any Idol show ever. And while Matt knows he's easily blowing away Dwight and Andrew Austin in their weight gain competition, he's counting on his Saskatchewan Communist Call Center Comrades and Jesus to get him through tonight. But Jesus hates fat communists as Matt's eliminated. Either that, or Jesus didn't like that Matt's been posting on boards.

With no living acts willing to mentor the Idols anymore, CTV will be busy digging up Paul Anka for next week's Standards show. We're down to the Top 4 and the joking's over. The 'tards and Neufelds laughed for six weeks as VFTW got Jaydee through but the joking (and denial) is over as Jaydee makes VFTW history tonight. But that's so 2 hours ago, and it's time to realize our true power in this comatose country and set our eyes on the greatest VFTW victory of all...making an Elvis impersonating/inbreed/alcoholic/fake-twang/sister kissing/flashing druggie the next Canadian Idol!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go tell Jaydee's sisters to start puckering up!