CI5 Episode 26: Top 4 Perform Standards: "Lobster Boy Gets Thrown In The Pot"

Posted by smarterthanpickler on Monday, August 27, 2007 at 9:13 PM EDT
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What can be finer then watching four losers embarrass themselves in front of millions of people by doing a standard for the first time in their life? Watching them do it twice, as we get to see all the colours Jaydee Bixby and Dwight D'Eon can bring to the American Songbook.

With no living acts willing to mentor the Idols, CTV has dug up Paul Anka (1897-1963), who's weathered like the baseball mitt you forgot you put under your mattress fourty years ago. He's sitting with his once-trophy-wife who's nervously counting down the days until Phil Spector's released from prison.

Carly Rae Jepson

Little Cawey's first and VFTW's Her Daddy as she's singing My Heart Belongs To Daddy. Baby Cawey's all dressed up in her little new red dress but is wearing whore-red high heels on her way to Grandma's. Carly's strolling along in the forest, mouth wide open, and pronunciates and sings very well for a two-year-old as she can articulate (and hit) about a third of the notes in the song. And thanks to Kellie Pickler, no Idol contestant will ever again be complimented on their shoes without millions of people immediately staring at their boobs.

Carly's second song is I Got It Bad And That Ain't Good, echoing what she said when she got the results of her VD test earlier today. She's a resourceful little girl as she's turned her red dress inside-out from the first number to show its black inlay. And VFTW's been really unfair with Carly. She sings and articulates words incredibly well for someone so young and is able to pronounce at least 20% of her words. How many of you could talk better when you were that age? Huh?

Jaydee Bixby

VFTW gets rewarded for making Jaydee our longest-running candidate ever by getting to hear Smiley Elvis fake-twang through two standards tonight. Paul Anka, who hasn't been able to smile for thirty-five years because of his plastic surgery, is bitterly jealous of Jaydee and tells him he's going to bitch-slap him if he doesn't wipe that dopey grin off his face. Jaydee's determined not to come across as some smiling inbred hick so has come out as a grumpy inbred hick instead. He begins with Fever and it sounds like Randy Travis being mauled by Michael Vick's dogs. And CTV's playing on the Jaydee Is A Man-Slut rumours to the max as they give us a crotch-shot that has VFTW fearing that rickey.org will be joining us in the CI5 Forum any second.

Jaydee's back for more and his second song is When You're Smiling, which is every second of his dopey life. While we got to see Jaydee's sexy side (cough, cough) in his first performance, it looks like we're going to get a less whorish performance here as the backup singers are standing right behind Jaydee. But Boy-Whore Jaydee can't resist, grabs one of the female singers and gives us a dance that could make him the first person ever not only to be VFTW's choice for an Idol show but for Dancing With The Stars too. Zack tells Jaydee ...when America discovers you, you're going to blow up, like some suspicious package dumped off in front of the US Capital.

Brian Melo

Brian's next and he's a rude slob who won't take his hat off when meeting Mr. Anka. Paul wants him to be more macho, this coming from a man with an orange face. Brian's first song is Mack The Knife, which was written in German, the same language Daddy Brunton spoke until he managed to sneak out of the Fatherland in 1945. And Brian's going all the way as he's singing the song in German...At least I hope it's German...it certainly isn't English.

And while Jaydee holding a VFTW sign and Sligh and Phil posting away gets us giddy, nothing makes VFTW's pants bulge more than Brian doing Feelin' Good for his second song, better known as I Don't Want To Be On This Show Anymore. AJ Tabaldo...Feelin' bad. Leslie Hunt...Why did I scat?...America Don't Like Jazz. Brian Melo...I can't believe I was eliminated over Dwight and Jaydee?

Dwight D'Eon

Knowing that this is a train wreck-in-waiting, CTV has given Dwight the pimp spot in what is his only hope of possibly surviving this week. Dwight's completely lost as he practices his first song I Get A Kick Out Of You with Paul Anka. Dwight seems to think it was written by Whitesnake as he screams kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick. Some (Frogtard) think Dwight might surprise us this week. Others (the rest of the Universe) wonder how if Dwight can't sing rock, how's he going to survive this? And while crafty Dwight has been able to hide his voice with ten minute-long guitar solos and his huge ass with pianos, Dwight cannot hide his total lack of experience with this genre behind face piercings and a clown suit as he gives us a performance that sounds like a lobster just after it's been thrown in the pot.

And nothing could be a more fitting cap to this VFTW Hall Of Fame presentation than Dwight coming back for one more standard. He's doing Unforgetable and for VFTW, this night truly in unforgetable. While this second performance isn't quite as disasterous as the first, Jaydee Bixby will be the Mayor of New York City before Dwight has a career as a crooner.

Final Rant

Wow, this show sucked. Who thought we'd be longing for the days of Rex Goudie singing Feelin' Good and Corpsey Lebland becoming a VFTW legend with I Could Write A Book (But Can't Hit This Note). While the ratings are bombing and the scaryboard is brain-dead, VFTW and our candidate continue to gain power as we are only two weeks away from making history. Now that themes are over, it's Elvis, Elvis, Elvis from hereon in. But not until we get to hear Dwight bring his stylings to the standards one more time as he lumbers his fat ass over to the middle of the stage for the final time tomorrow night.

 

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or stick Paul Anka back in the freezer before he melts.


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Smartie
Posted: 8/28/2007 at 1:20 AM Reply with quote
Anorexia Face Location: are they ceiling Lauren fat?? :O

STP, awesome work, as always. You are just EVIL, and heeeeeelarious!

I LOVED Jaydee, BOTH of his performances actually. I thought his Fever was wonderfully muted and sublime, and "When You're Smiling" was his BEST.PERFORMANCE.EVER. That is my new favourite Jaydee performance, it's passed his audition for me.

Mr Hat - that was shit. Some bad pub act being forced to sing something to entertain the grey haired crowd on a Sunday afternoon before the football fans arrive. Awful. I would never pay to hear that.

Dwight - oh I actually felt sorry for him, that was painful to watch. I wanted a sniper to put him out of his misery.

Cawwee - I'm not sure what she sang as she garbles her words so, and that AIIII AIIIIEEEE AAAAHHH IIIIII thing she does makes my cats howl. She appeared to be singing on her own beat and not at all in time with the orchestra, too. Horrible stuff. Reminded me of the shitty cover band that plays in the foodcourt at the Hyatt on Friday nights, when everyone is drinking to forget their working week and not paying attention to the noise emanating from the stage.

My tip - bottom two is Carly and Dwight. Going home - Dwight.

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magooish
Posted: 8/28/2007 at 3:06 AM Reply with quote
Magoo, you've done it again! Location: Cartoon land

"Carly's second song is I Got It Bad And That Ain't Good, echoing what she said when she got the results of her VD test earlier today."

This reminded me of a true story.

At my wedding, one of my college friends got exceedingly drunk and decided to fall into bed with the best man. They hit it off so well that they had comments from the bed and breakfast people that they were the loudest room ever in B&;B history. The "Best man" was so besotted with her that he missed his flight home just for one more frolick in the hay with her.

About 2 weeks later he called and asked for her phone #. I told him I'd need to make sure it was okay with her before I handed out that kind of personal info. I called her, she declined to have him contact her as she was seeing someone new. ( yes, in fact she was a ho, but what can you do? She was a college friend from way back and we certainly never slept together!)

I had my spouse call him back to deliver the sad news that she was not interested in hearing from him. I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "unless he has some social disease, I'm not giving him the #."

And then my spouse came back into the room and said

"Ahem, give me the number."

It was the last time I ever spoke to her, but you have to do what you have to do...

Magooish

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Twisted Chinaman
Posted: 8/28/2007 at 3:25 AM Reply with quote
Location: Calgary, AB

My God -- if this wasn't the 1918 Malbone Street Disaster of all trainwrecks, well I don't know what is. Because I have to say, the annual slaughtering of standards is almost a ritual unto itself, and tonight's crowd if anyone noticed is more -- malleable of the mind than before, no? Seems only time they react is after at least three seconds of silence regardless of who's talking: Seacrest Wannabe, a judge, whatever.

Well, other than to comment on how retarded Farley's dress looked, let's get to the show!

<<< ROUND 1 >>>

LOLITA FAKE FRAUD-SON -- In keeping with her Lolita theme, she picks a song that sounds like something that would be sung in a old school burlesque house. But not in the same vein, she sounds like that same Russian prostitute in the middle of Goldeneye -- AGAIN! Geez girlfriend, when will you ever learn that is BAD?!

OUR BOY, JAYDEE -- It was unconvincing, but it wasn't VFTW bad. He carried it well, but you could see and hear those metaphorical shackles clinking in his voice. He put on a brave face, and still kept to the game plan. I'm sure the leg wobble may have bought him half a mulligan, but I have a feeling he himself is getting complacent...VFTW is like 411, not a crutch.

CRYIN' SMELLO -- I told you, I begged you, I wished and I prayed. You just couldn't leave Bobby Darin alone, couldn't you! You little retard, dragging a classic like Mack the Knife and turning it into something done by Justin Timberlake! Oh, and what's with the Howie Mandel look, anyway?

DWIGHT D'PENIS -- I pity the poor fantard who had her sign read "I drove 2100km to see Dwight". It was just plain awful, as we would expect from Dwight Daughtry. She should get a refund for the gas she paid for. Oh wait, she used it, so the gas has lost its money-back guarantee. Sorry!

By this time, I was so bored that I was watching other shows. But I think I got enough to continue on...

<<< ROUND 2 >>>

LOLITA FAKE -- Probably the most yawn-inducing thing ever done on Canadian Idol, ever. Congratulations on winning that dubious honour!

JAYDEE -- It was okay, I guess. From the snippets I got, THIS was the VFTW-worthy performance we've been waiting for! Good boy Jaydee!

CRYIN' -- I was bored, so I couldn't care less. And he still looks like Howie Mandel.

D'PENIS -- By that time I was already too busy concentrating on something else to give a flying fuck about this borefest.

Well, all in all, a trainwreck of a night -- I tossed in my 40 votes for Jaydee, but it seems I was impeded a few times while all other lines remained clear. Strange that there were periods of about 15 minutes throughout the night that I couldn't even get through, and I thought Calgary was a dead zone for voting...
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Van Dergraaf
Posted: 8/28/2007 at 5:35 AM Reply with quote

I've figured out what it is with Cryin' Brian and his perpetual wearing of hats.

He is covering up a rare affliction in which his brain is exposed through the top of his head.

No other explanation seems plausible.
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magooish
Posted: 8/28/2007 at 6:04 AM Reply with quote
Magoo, you've done it again! Location: Cartoon land

I went to Daiy motion and watched *most* of the show. I have 3 distinct recollections.

1. If you put enough red lipstick on anyone, it's going to make you stare at the mouth and wonder if you can fit three big mac's in it at one time.

2. Unless worn by "the Queen" as in the Queen of England, hats are bad fashion.

3. Some people are just scared shitless about working outside of the lines. "Stay within the lines, the lines are our friends" is the same as saying " I can only sing rock and roll, the rest of the music genre sucks and I refuse to embrace it as valid".

Since Jaydee did not have red lips, did not wear a Peter Pan fake fedora and did not shake like a leaf when he sang any of his songs, I declare he is safe!

Which of course means he's going home.

Magooish

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unknown
Posted: 2/20/2008 at 10:59 PM Reply with quote Edit this post
Location: none

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