CI5 Episode 29: Top 3 Results: "Prime Minister Della Terza?"

The pressure's on as our Idols are competing for a spot in the finale and the chance to make a flop record and fade into oblivion by November. But that's nothing compared to the pressure CTV and Brunton are feeling knowing that VFTW has completely taken over this trainwreck, is choosing the songs for the Idols and may just be powerful enough to get an Elvis impersonator into next week's finale.

As has become VFTW custom, we begin with the group number. They're doing a song by Sass and beyond advice, she must've given them a sip from her cup as they're stumbling around the stage all confused. Carly's extra-drunk as she's slurring her words. Jaydee has put a lot of thought into this performance and has decided that it calls for a fake twang and dopey grin. I can't pay attention to Brian's singing as I'm watching like a hawk for any sign of the Swastika under his hat.

Here comes Ben, who's not wearing a tie and looks more drunk than his father. And if any more proof of his drunkedness were required, Ben misreads the cue card and tells us there were 4.1 million votes last night. And we know it's going to be VFTW's night as one of our all-time favourites is ready to flame up the stage...Jacob Hoggard! CTV's worried about Jacob's performance and has given him a very specific list of things not to do...

1. No removing shirt
2. no removing pants
3. No urinating on the audience

But Jacob pisses on rules (and everything else) and is determined to give a shout-out to VFTW and our choice Jaydee by prancing around the stage like a dancing fool.

The parade of losers continues as Season One winner Ryan Malcolm's next. Ryan was a bit of a precursor, being that he was the first in a long line of Canadian Idols to flop. He's decided that the key to rejuvinating his career is to become a heroin addict, turn anorexic, and crawl into a corner, being emo. The platinum albums have been handed out by the hundreds this season but CTV has seemed to have forgotten Ryan's. I'm sure he'll be back on CI137 to correct this oversight.

It's now homecoming time as our Idols get to reacquaint themselves with their inbred relatives and drunken friends. Jaydee's having a parade through his hometown of Bum Fuck, Alberta, and is hanging with a crowd you'd find at a noodling competition. Each of our Idols are doing a song tonight and Jaydee has gone through his songbook with a finetooth comb and has chosen...Elvis! And if taking a picture with our sign weren't enough, Jaydee's cementing our support by bringing the Elvis impersonation and fake twang we demand.

Carly Rae's homecoming is next and it's payback time for being a complete bitch to all of British Columbia as no one shows up for her. She's doing Torn but Steffi D is still pissed from last night and is continuing to make Carly miss notes and gurggle. Brian's homecoming is next and Brunton has forced enough of his relatives out to make Brian's crowd slightly larger than Carly's. He's doing She Talks To Angels and I just can't concentrate anymore with this hat mystery. What's Brian hiding under there? It's enough he wears it every single performance and results night, he also wears it when he's being mentored, practicing with the band and EATING KRAFT DINNER IN THE HOUSE! It's time for VFTW to send one of our special agents to the show and rip off Brian's hat, revealing the dark secret he's hiding underneath.

And the musical guests are getting skinnier and skinnier (and more effeminate) as Season 2 winner Kalan Porter's next. Ben tells us that Kalan's gone on to gold records, Juno Nominations and three different genders.

Jacob, Ryan and Kalan are waiting backstage to welcome the next former-Idol contestant to become irrelevent as it's time to get to the results. Who would've believed ten weeks ago that a 16-year old Elvis impersonator would be standing on the stage with a chance to make it to the finale on Canada's #1 show? VFTW, that's who. The 'tards ignored us when we got Jaydee to the Top 8. They jumped off the building when we got Greg eliminated. It's become clearer and clearer every week how VFTW's power in Canada has grown. The question is: When will the day come that VFTW's powerful enough to pick someone at the very beginning of the Top 10 and carry them through to the finale despite this contestant being the laughing stock of Canada and us having to fend off every attempt to sabotage our master plan from Brunton and his goons at CTV through their massive pimping of chosen ones Carly and Brian? When will this day come? The answer is... RIGHT NOW!, as VFTW single-handedly pulls off the greatest miracle in Idol history...damn it, one of the greatest miracles EVER...by getting Jaydee Bixby to the finale! And you'll have to excuse VFTW if we're slightly giddy/drunk as it's hard to decide what's the greater victory-getting Jaydee to the finale or ridding Canada of the phoniest contestant EVER. We get the video of Carly's time on the show and the replay of her emotional breakdowns and dramatics is like watching a performance of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

What can I say, Canadian Worsters! We've always had fun in our little Canadian Idol forum over the years but doubted we could be a power in Canada like we are in The States. Well my American friends, you could probably blow up our country with one bomb but that's nothing compared to the power we've generated in this country by getting Jaydee to the finale. But we'll all hear that bomb explode next week when VFTW single-handedly makes sure that the album released by the next Canadian Idol is nothing but Elvis, Elvis and more Elvis! Either that, or the noise we'll be hearing are Brunton, Carly and Brian hitting the ground.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go chill the champagne as we get ready for the greatest VFTW Victory celebration ever!