When I hear the theme music start, I know it’s time to gouge my eyes out. Yes, I’m back for another season of American Idol, because I know you can’t live without my sarcastic recaps of the show. Seriously. One person told me that. They’re actually hooked up to a computer and if they don’t laugh 100 times a day, the computer blows up and kills them. Brutal.

 

But you can already tell that something is different this time around. First things first, Taylor Hicks is completely missing from the intro to the show. You know, that stupid morphing metal person who turns from a man to a woman and walks around in a futuristic blue world where they’ve never heard of Sanjaya. Yeah, Taylor’s not even there anymore. This just proves that when we selected Taylor as our last VFTW pick of season 5, we know what we were doing. Nigel and the gang must really hate him. Somewhere Taylor is trying to convince himself that his Idol stint was all just a bad dream now that the show wants nothing to do with him. Somewhere else, the producers are convincing Paula to show up to the auditions, which they eventually do by luring her in with a trail of Vicodin pills.

 

Over 100,000 people showed up for the biggest auditions ever… but that doesn’t matter since producer plants will make up the top 24. The American Idol probably wasn’t even in that crowd. They were probably in a private dressing room getting ready for their audition. We get to meet two of these plants tonight. First, Kristy Lee Cook pretends that she never had a recording contract and a friendship with Britney Spears in the past. And Brooke White pretends she never opened for Phil Vassar. Their acting is terrible, and the show doesn’t even try to talk about the girls’ real stories. Let the bullshit begin!

 

Philadelphia is the first stop on the audition tour, so of course we’re treated to a rousing medley of people who auditioned to the song “Philadelphia Freedom”. Idol’s predictability is amazing. I can’t think of a famous song with the word Dallas in it, but I’m sure Idol will come up with some stupid song about Texas for tomorrow. And for most of these contestants, it’s (as Idol says) “about much more than getting on TV.” Is it now?

 

The first person up is Joey Catalano. For Joey, it’s about much more than getting on TV… he lost 200 pounds to try out for the show. He says it’s done a wonder for his self-esteem. Now he wants to completely deflate any progress he’s made by trying out for the soul-crushing Idol show. Joey still isn’t all that great looking, even minus the weight, so you just know that the judges will eventually eliminate him. He does a so-so version of “Sunday Morning’ by Maroon 5 and the judges put him through. I guess maybe the show won’t be so painful this year. Maybe the producers and judges have finally decided to stop embracing the ridiculous stereotypes that they rely on so heavily.

 

I immediately realized how foolish I was for thinking this when Alaa Youakeem walked into the room. Alaa, also known as Yuka, speaks with a very heavy accent and obviously doesn’t completely understand English. So apparently, this means it’s good to make fun of him. He does set himself up pretty well, but I’m sure the producers encouraged him to call himself “the sexy”. After massacring a song, Simon asks Paula to tear down Yuka. Of course, Paula is too messed up to get out a coherent sentence (though she was surprisingly alert tonight) so Simon eggs her on even more. Yuka is ok with being rejected, which obviously doesn’t sit well with Simon. So Simon pushes more and more and tries to get under his skin. Props to Yuka for just taking it in stride and leaving with his dignity in tact.

 

Melanie Nyema proves to us that Idol can’t come up with new and interesting ideas, so they merely recycle the “background singer who wants to be a lead singer” schtick from Melinda and Brandon last season. Melanie was a backup singer for Taylor Hicks, so it’s ironic that the show even let her try out, being that they seem to hate him so much. Her voice is pleasant, but she’s boring. And even the judges can’t seem to muster up any enthusiasm for her. Randy’s exact quote when she gets her golden ticket is, “But yes, welcome to Hollywood. Whatever!” Whatever, indeed. This is about the time that everyone realized how much time they were wasting watching the show, so they went for the remote to change the channel.

 

What will Idol do to keep its viewers? Nothing inventive, of course. They bring out James Lewis, who says he loves to sing low notes. His rendition of “Go Down Moses” isn’t even funny, and the judges even seem bored making fun of him for sucking. We’re then treated to a montage of Nick Stano singing “Unchained Melody” with awful falshitto (so overdone), Sybill White screaming out a song (so overdone, even by finalists), and Zhengzhong Yu singing a lullaby quietly (incredibly overdone). I think the show may be secretly using old footage that none of us remember. I mean, seriously, who remembers the names of the people who auditioned 4 years ago? My guess is that these people are just old, recycled footage. I’ve figured you out, Idol. Now give me my 2 hours back.

 

Junot Joyner, Jose Candelaria, and Jonathan Baines are then all given gold tickets. I contemplated hanging myself as a way to pass the time until one of Junot’s family members takes off her shoe and starts screaming in a high pitched dog whistle that is actually pretty hilarious. Finally, the first entertaining moment of the entire episode. Will there be another? And do I have enough Jack Daniels to get through another hour?

 

Luckily, Temptress Brown actually seems pretty interesting. The girl is 16, but looks way older, and she’s a football player. She says that if you make her mad enough, she’ll break your bones. Please, Simon, make her mad. For Temptress, it’s about much more than getting on TV. Her mom is really sick and can’t breathe, so she wants to do this for her. As much as I did like Temptress, I’ve never understood that mentality. If your dog died or your mom is sick or your brother lost his sense of smell when he was hit on the 405 freeway by a speeding car that reeked of gin with a bumper sticker that says “When will people appreciate me for the gift that I am?”… how will going on a TV talent show improve that situation at all? Temptress gives us one of the least intentionally funny quotes of the night when she says she’s going to sing “I’m Not Goin Nowhere by Jennifer Hudson.” She can’t sing well and I’m waiting on the judges to crucify her, but then… they’re nice to her. They start hugging her. What the fuck? The judges make fun of people who can’t speak English. They make fun of mentally handicapped people. Yet suddenly, they have souls again? I think I figured it out. They know Temptress truly would break their bones and they were scared shitless. Oh well, the only opportunity for good TV this episode was a Temptress smackdown. Maybe next year.

 

Mark Hayes shows us how fake the auditions can be when he shows us his cricket impression. He likes to do it in the audience to make everyone laugh after a comedian bombs. So guess what sound the producers will insert after Mark’s terrible rendition of “White Christmas” doesn’t go over well? I think a 2 year old could edit this show. Then some guy named Udi talks about how he likes to sing and dance at his workplace, leading up to his bland rendition of “My Way”. Honestly, it wasn’t even interesting enough to write about. Nor was the stupid montage of everyone singing “I Love Rock and Roll.”

 

Alexis Cohen does help save the day a bit, because you can tell she’s going to at least be interesting (and if you couldn’t tell, you’re an idiot, because the previews had shown her at least 3 times before we ever got to this point). Alexis says that she marches to the beat of a different drummer and that she has been compared to vocalists like Janis Joplin. She sings “Somebody to Love”, and her voice is very strange, but actually kind of interesting. She’s not completely in tune, but she’s a decent singer with a very different style. Of course, the judges have no idea what to say to that. Randy says Alexis would be good in a 60’s or 70’s cover band, because he wasn’t listening to anything besides the Janis Joplin comment. Simon says she’s not right for this competition. I have to admit, he’s right, since the theme weeks this year are Whitney Houston song week, Mariah Carey song week, Whitney Houston-Mariah Carey duet song week, and Whitney Houston wannabe baby diva song week. As Alexis storms out and makes VFTW proud by cursing at everyone in sight, her mom says “Simon is English, that’s his problem.” No, his problem is his pent up homosexuality that is slowly eating away at his inner being, forcing him to insult other people because he can’t accept who he truly is. Although Alexis is a little bit on the crazy side, she did make me pay attention, so kudos to her for giving me a distraction from measuring how many bottles of Everclear I have to drink to find Simon attractive.

 

Next up is 26 year old Angela Martin from Chicago. For Angela, it’s about much more than getting on TV. Her daughter had Rhett’s Syndrome and she wants to win the show to help support her daughter. Honestly, I don’t sense any ulterior motives with her. She seems like an actual, honest-to-God good person, which means she will be cut before the top 24. People always go on this show and act like they can go from being a waitress to a superstar singer to support their kids, and it’s pretty annoying. But Angela already makes her living as a singer in a band, so it does seem like there’s a natural connection there. No one told Angela that the viewers hate listening to overdone Stevie Wonder songs, so she sings the first melismafied version of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” of the season. After her entire family cheers that she’s going to Hollywood, Seacrest is knocked to the floor and picks up the handbag some woman dropped because it’s nicer than his. Simon makes the stupidest comment of the night when he says he is shocked that people in America are happy when good stuff happens to their friends. I’m sure his friends in England will be pleasantly surprised to see Simon’s bitchy diva side on full display.

 

After a commercial break, we are treated to a recap of the last hour and 15 minutes. Because apparently we’ve already forgotten who Angela Martin was while sitting through a commercial for Ford. Sure, I wasn’t paying attention to half of the show, but that was by choice. I don’t want to sit through it again, silly producers.

 

This year, Idol apparently does not want to encourage the screechy, melisma divas. This is bad news for Alyse Wojciechowski, Brandi Park, and Teresa Anello, and also bad news for Whitney Houston-Mariah Carey-Celine Dion-Alicia Keys quartet song week. Maybe this means that no-talent hack Gwen Stefani will get her own week again this year too. Heaven help us all.

 

Ever since Idol began to let the over 28 crowd on the show for shits and giggles, an older man or woman tries to sing for the judges every year. This year, it’s Milo Turk, who wants to sing “No Sex Allowed.” You let a few overage people in and then you’re stuck with this crap. For Milo, it’s about much more than getting on TV. He says his songs need to be heard so that people can record them. Yes, that’s generally how it happens, Milo. He says he’s 39, but looks much much older. Why did the show waste time on this moron rather than showing us some people who made it to Hollywood? He wasn’t even funny.

 

We then get to our first plant of the evening, Kristy Lee Cook. She’s ready to pretend that she’s not a ringer who previously had a recording contract and had Britney Spears lined up to appear in her debut music video. Of course, she’s just a small town Oregon girl who loves fighting and training horses. Poor Kristy sold her really good barrel horse so she could try out in Philly. Did no one tell this moron that there are towns closer to Oregon than Philadelphia,

so she could have saved a lot of money on the plane ticket. Oh wait, that’s right, Kristy actually lives in Nashville, but the show fails to mention this. She sings “Amazing Grace” with a country twang and she’s halfway decent. Simon says she reminds him of someone who sang in the 60’s. I say she reminds me of someone who sang in the 2000’s with a record contract who was dropped by their label. But that’s just me. Plant 1 makes it to Hollywood and the producers share a self-satisfying snicker that no one will figure out that Kristy is actually a failed singer. Oops!

 

Following Kristy is Ben Haar, who has something under his cloak to show off. It turns out that it’s a Princess Leia-like bikini outfit. Simon rolls his eyes almost immediately because he wanted to be the one to rock that outfit. But now that Ben stole his idea, he’ll have to settle for the Han Solo costume. Paula says she’s distracted by his chest hair (she prefers her boys to be pre-pubescent), so he says he’ll wax it off for her. The judges give him a chance to do that and give me a chance to finish up a rousing game of marbles.

 

The award for best name of the year goes to Shekhinah Bathyehudah, even if she sings “America the Beautiful” in an over the top diva voice that I usually make fun of. Anyone with such an unusual name wins my immediate support because I’d like to see the fan club names that Idol Forums would come up with for her. Shekhinah’s Hyenas? Shekhinah’s Ballerinas? The possibilities are endless! I also loved the fact that after she screeched out the high notes, she said “I was just tryin’ to give you the range.” Shekhinah, you made my day bearable. Thank you.

 

Paul Marturano is here to sing a love song to Paula Abdul about breaking into her house and trying on her underwear. Paula isn’t offended until Paul gets to the chorus:

 

I’m gonna go to your bedroom/And when you’ve had it/I’m gonna steal the booze from your liquor cabinet.

 

Paula immediately freaks out and asks Paul to leave for offending her in such a manner. I mean, who steals Paula’s booze? That’s like stealing Clive Davis’s state-of-the-art evil life support system or Simon Cowell’s book of boring putdowns. How would they survive? Paula can’t handle a stalker who would disrespect her in such a way.

 

Of course, Paul is just there as a not-so-clever lead-in to Beth Stalker. Oh God, kill me. They must have paid Paul to sing so that they could do that. Not that Paul didn’t seem like an actor anyway, but this confirms it. When Beth was 5, she recorded a CD of Sunday School songs under the name Little Liz. Well, here’s another plant I guess we didn’t know about. Simon says no to her tepid version of “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered” (hey! that’s Pickler’s hall-of-fame worthy song), but the others like her and put her through to Hollywood. I would wager a bet that we don’t see her again on the show this season. She will disappear in the editing room, never to be seen again. Except when she releases a CD of Sunday School songs in 10 years under the name Big Beth.

 

Back from the salon is Ben, with a newly waxed chest. He’s about to sing “Don’t Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls when Simon dismisses him immediately. Why make the guy wax his chest then? Lame. As he leaves, his butt is covered by the Idol logo. Fremantle wrote to us recentl, upset that we used the American Idol logo on our site. So they don’t want the logo on our site, but they’ll use it to cover up Ben’s butt. Classy, Fremantle. Classy.

 

Our last male of the night is Chris Watson. For Chris, it’s about much more than getting on TV… OK this is getting old. Why must Idol use that quote any time anyone auditions? Of course it’s about much more than getting on TV. It’s about getting a record deal and making a record, only to be dropped by 19 Entertainment a few months later when your CD underperforms due to their complete lack of effort in promoting it. Chris sings “Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker, and it’s a decent version. The song only has a few notes, so it’s hard to tell if he can actually sing. Simon thinks that Chris looks like a star and that he has an interesting recording voice. I think he looks like Predator, but apparently according to the judges, chicks will like that. Then again, the tweentards thought Constantine Maroulis was attractive, so I guess anything goes nowadays.

 

Christina Tolisano is here to continue the Star Wars references. She has Princess Leia hair, and she says that if you don’t know her hairstyle, you’ve been living on some Star Trek moon. Why do all Star Wars and Star Trek fans feel the need to insult each other back and forth? You’re both uncool, there, does that settle it? Good. Christina assures us that her kids will be named after something Star Wars. I’m almost starting to feel bad for her because you know the producers are egging this on. She sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” and Randy calls it strange. Simon is dumbstruck. They all say no quickly, and Simon says, “Give my love to the wookie” as she leaves. But, Simon, you just insulted Jordin Sparks in a recent article, calling her boring. Now you want to give her your love? Hypocrite. Christina gets mad that the judges didn’t pick anything different this year. This is because everyone that was chosen has previous showbiz experience. Didn’t you read my article, The Truth About the Contestants of American Idol 7, Christina? It would have saved you a lot of heartache.

 

Lastly, Brooke White tries to hide her plantiness by talking about being boring and married. She leaves out the opening for Phil Vassar stuff because, you know, who needs to know a silly thing like that for a singing competition? Brooke and her husband do not drink, smoke, or watch movies with strong language. Yet she tried out for a show where the judges are basically a walking and slurring vodka bottle, a man who reeks of self-righteousness and cigarettes, and a man who can barely put together a sentence using the English language. Brooke sings “Just Like a Star”. Randy likes her because there’s something pure about her that he can’t put his finger on… as if she didn’t just spend time talking about how she doesn’t smoke or drink or watch R-rated movies.

Randy Jackson after Britney Spears’ audition: “There’s something crazy about you that I can’t put my finger on.”

Randy Jackson after Jessica Simpson’s audition: “There’s something ditzy about you that I can’t put my finger on.”

Randy Jackson after Donald Trump’s audition: “There’s something vaguely superior and snide about you that I can’t put my finger on.”

 

No wait, he wouldn’t say that last one, the vocabulary is too rich. Simon says he’ll bring Brooke to the dark side if she gives him a week. Unfortunately, she does, and she learns that the dark side is his dressing room, where she will be performing a special encore each night to earn her spot in the competition. (Don’t worry, she’s just taking pictures while he pounds Seacrest. Simon’s kinky like that.)

 

And the episode ends with Christina still upset that only cookie cutter Idols made it through. Christina, spend some time here at VFTW and you’ll see that most of us say the same thing every year. It’s not worth getting upset over. You’re lucky you didn’t have to sign any ridiculous contracts.

 

Tomorrow, we’re resurrecting the audition city of Dallas, where Kelly Clarkson tried out that fateful day 6 years ago. Hopefully we’re resurrecting Kelly’s career as well, because she obviously needs the help. Until then, don’t drink

too much… you’ll need to save the booze to get through 5 more months of Idol.

Paula’s a pro, she has her liquor cabinet stocked. Do you?