Bad Singing Show #1: Philadelphia

Howdy Class, and welcome back to another exciting season of Mocking America’s favorite show. If you were one of the hardened survivors who suffered through On The Lot and America’s Next Band with us, then my condolences and I’ll bake you a cookie. I’m almost thankful that American Idol has crept upon us once again. “Almost” thankful because we have to suffer through about 7 weeks of crappy singing. Who likes this stuff? Sure it gets higher ratings than regular Idol, but hasn’t clueless knuckleheads and shameless bozos selling their dignity for 30 seconds of TV time gotten old? Just a little bit? Admit it, who really wants to see yet another psycho girl spew a bleep-filled rant about how Simon sucks. Sure, they’re only telling the truth, but now it’s kind of old after about the 30th one.

This entire two hour snoozefest had “retread” written all over it. I really felt like I’d seen this all before. Even Randy and Simon admitted that this felt old hat. And when the dulcet tones of Seacrest’s bland narration declares “it feels like (Idol) never went away” then it’s really time to CHANGE THE FREAKIN’ FORMAT! Anyways, that’s what I’m going to do.

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SEEN IT BEFORES -- These are clones of previous failed Idol contestants. I merely have to describe them in one sentence and you know the person I’m talking about. Not that specific person, because a healthy human brain will expunge such useless information to remember batting averages, top grossing movies and Martha Stewart turnip recipes.

-- The clueless foreigner who considers himself a love god and sings in broken English.

-- The pudgy guy with glasses who sings a melody-free Sinatra song.

-- The single mom who is an okay singer but has no chance of winning this competition.

-- The anorexic blonde girl who sings “Feelin’ Good” and jumps from 0 to 60 in histrionics.

-- The aforementioned psycho girl wearing too much sparkly eye-shade who upon receiving tepid criticism from Simon, “You should start a band” goes on a totally unnecessary and over the top swearing tirade about how Idol sucks.

-- The Milli-Vanilli stand-in with a pretty voice who will be bounced from the competition in week two of the Finals.

-- The wholesome, skinny blonde girl with an okay voice who will never win because despite what the critics say about Idol and how the pretty girl always does well, the PRETTY, SKINNY GIRL NEVER WINS. NEVER. That goes for skinny, blonde kickboxer girl too.

--The Dr. Phil looking guy with a leopard vest who sings a love song to abstinence. Come on, like that dude isn’t getting laid because it’s HIS CHOICE? HAHAHAHA. Okay Abstinence dude is a new one. But still not worth the 5 minutes he gets on TV.

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VFTW Potential -- These are the guys we’re keeping our eye on to be the next Taylor Hicks or Sanjaya.

-- Formerly Fat Joey who sings a falsetto Maroon 5 song. He looks like Scott Savol’s younger brother. I can’t wait to hear how he lost 200 pounds EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

-- Junot the Ruben Impersonator. Who sings well, but his left eye goes squinty when he hits the high notes. VFTW potential.

-- Jose who sings a Mark Anthony song IN SPANISH. I hope he sings every song in Spanish. Real VFTW Potential.

-- Jonathan - Gangly guy with a funny haircut who clips off the ends of his lines. Trainwreck potential in longer, dramatic songs. We’ll keep our eyes on him.

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And finally, I just have to mention the duelling Princess Leias:

Hairy, Bearded Slave Outfit Leia. This whole thing seemed like a bad AI sketch. Did this guy really find a body waxing place and come back in time to audition again? I call shenanigans. You know it’s contrived when Simon calls him a fat, idiot acting like a fool to be on TV. Damn, that’s harsh criticism of Randy.

Creepy Disco Leia -- This girl goes from amusing, quirky dork to bitter, hateful bitch in about 30 seconds. And this is despite the fact that her rant against how Idol only picks generic, attractive people to be on the show is pretty much true. Still she always has her memories of that out of sight 30th Anniversary Star Wars convention to tide her through the dark times.

And I can’t forget Paula Stalker Paul, who is clearly doing a comedy bit, and sings a funny song about caulking Paula. And Simon and Randy freak out like he’s really a nut-job. But it’s still not as wonderful as my Paula Abdul love-song which you can see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUA463avH_U

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And that is the show. Thoroughly missable. Two hours of snore-ville.

See you after tonight’s totally unnecessary show.

--Chan