Bad Singing Show #2: Dallas

Howdy Class. I know, you’re thinking, wow, more Grading the Idols so soon? Aren’t we lucky? Well, it turns out that I’m the lucky one as Dallas brings the crazy and makes for an entertaining show. Why the hell didn’t they start with this one? Ah, the mysteries of Idol.

And now for the bad news... for Idol. Ratings are down 4 million viewers, and are off to the worst start in 4 years. Hmm, could people be getting a wee bit tired of the Idol formula?

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The aforementioned Idol formula demands that the first person up gets a yellow card. So we start with Cold Sore Jessica and her meth addiction. Awesome. She says when she was on the meth she “looked like a totally different Jessica”... Yeah, Jessica Sierra. Zowie! This show writes its own jokes sometimes. Anyways, she has an affected, nondescript singing style, but she’s blonde so she has to go to Hollywood. Hopefully Jessica and Paula can compare crystal meth recipes. Serious VFTW potential.

The Idol formula continues with a bad-dancing goof who doesn’t know how terrible a singer he is. Bad-Dancing Paul is a little Texas slow, but also amiable and harmless. So of course the judges patronize him for about an hour before giving him the kiss-off. Paul gets in the best line of the night, however when he declares, “Simon was a little down on me. But Simon goes down on everybody.” So Seacrest is the dominant one in that relationship after all. Who knew? Damn this show really writes its own unintentional jokes.

Then we have Kelly Clarkson lover Beth. But about the only mentionable thing about her is her blonde friend with the giant bazooms who gives her a sympathy hug after she's sent packing.

Then on to Blonde Alaina, Farmbot 2.0 who declares she “likes country but I can sing different styles” and proceeds to sing a country song. She’s bland and boring, but she’s blonde so of course she makes it to Hollywood where she’s destined to be an early loser.

The fun continues with Bruce Dickson, who has never kissed a girl. (Man this is TOO Easy). Who has a creepy relationship with his dad. See, Dad holds the heart of one of those cheesy heart-key lockets, so that when Bruce finally gets it on, Dad can give him the other piece of his heart. Hey guys, that’s now how those stupid things are supposed to work. Needles to say, Mr. Dickson has never kissed a girl because he’s obviously into dudes. The judges needed to do him a favor and send him to West Hollywood just so he can find true happiness away from his seriously co-dependent Dad.

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OTHER VFTW CONTENDERS -- Dallas was full of loonies, but there are some other VFTW quality Sanjaya-be’s.

Zpia - who has a weird orange orange mohawk, with her name written on the back of her head, and a snaggletooth. She can actually sing, but her hair is painful to look at.

Restraining Order Brandon, who has a baggie of his own nail clippings dating back several years. I stood up and cheered when this guy got a yellow ticket. Serious VFTW material.

Stalker Kayla- She has a world-class sob story, she was in a bad car accident and had her face messed up and lost an eye. She’s super perky and likable, but has no chance in hell in Hollywood... UNLESS WE ALL VOTE FOR HER. YES! She even got the Simon sympathy vote. Then after she exits the room with her yellow ticket the editors do one of those serious freeze frames and I was nervous that Kayla actually died after filming. Bad editors. No cookie for you.

Kady the Babe - Who is really hot and does pretty good vocal impersonations, but has no singing personality. Did I mention that she’s a babe? Anyways, odds are that she has some Antonella Barba-quality internet porn photos lurking in her past, making her an INSTANT VFTW CONTENDER!

Kyle the Political Dork - A Kevin Covais- wannabe, with a red tie and goggles who has a musical theater type voice and GETS A GOLDEN TICKET! Holy crap, this show is just arming VFTW with possibilities.

Colton - Blake Lewis look-alike but with bushy eyebrows. He sings some crappy southern country-rock song with his eyes closed. And he’s going to Hollywood. Colton plays an “awesome” trick on his ma, as he cleverly hides his ticket in his pocket and whips it out. He shore fooled ‘em good. Well, he fooled Seacrest, who had no idea what was going on.

Farmer Drew Popperreiter - Time for Idol to make fun of unsophisticated country folk with an earthy montage of Drew working on a farm, never mind that most Texans would blow away Randy and Paula on an SAT test, with their scores COMBINED. Drew is this year’s Cowboy Kenny, a good ol’ country boy who talks with a toothpick in his mouth and spits during an interview. And he’s GOING TO HOLLYWOOD. Yes. VFTW Quality talent.

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OTHER AMUSING PEOPLE NOT GOING TO HOLLYWOOD

Unlike last night, Dallas had a ton of wacky talent to keep us entertained. Other high points of the show:

-- “Rockin’” Kyle who has a freaky tan and sings really intensely. Kyle was also “rockin’” the Guy-Liner. I wish he was a decent singer. Kyle you would’ve been our Worst.

-- Angela and Chad - A Texas girl who brings Chad, her male model boyfriend into the audition. Then she sucks completely. But Chad was about as male modelly as humanly possible, even giving Randy the finger-gun “You go, dude”. Rock on Chad.

-- Weird Schmo Douglas who has a nervous break down and starts sweating like Robert Hays trying to land in “Airplane.” Douglas ignores the judges and keeps singing “Living on a Prayer” over and over and has to be escorted out by Big Idol Gorillas. Damn, what is in the drinking water in Dallas?

-- Cricket sound girl. What is with all the cricket talent this season on AI?

-- An ode to transvestism, because no season of Idol is complete without some patented Idol homophobia.

--And finally, Renaldo, wearing a Pimp Coat and cape, who is missing half his teeth and speaks in broken English. They actually gave this guy 20 minutes to sing his stupid song over and over. Actually I take it back, he wasn’t funny at all. They tried, but they still couldn’t recapture that William Hung-ery Magic.

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Wow, if they had cut it down to one hour and showed that as the only hour of Idol this week it would’ve been satisfying. Being as this was hours THREE AND FOUR, it wasn’t quite as entertaining as it could’ve been. But lots of crazies MADE IT TO HOLLYWOOD so I’m kind of optimistic and excited.

Until next week, I answer all questions, comments, hate mail at

Vftwchan@gmail.com