San Diego Auditions - Who the hell is Oh-bay-ma?

Apparently, San Diego is the perfect place to unwind, according to Ryan Seacrest. It’s also the perfect place to have some plants audition for American Idol. Tonight Idol introduced us to ringers Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, and David Archuleta, along with a lot of other boring people. But at least the show was only an hour tonight. Two hours of nauseating fake stories would make me lose my appetite.

The first person to try out is Tetiana Ostapowych, who sings “Someone to Watch Over Me.” It’s really boring, and she’s another lame blonde. At least she’s uglier than the other blondes so far, so she stands out. That and her name sounds like it refers to boobs. So basically, she’s the boob-named, ugly blonde. Still not that memorable though. Simon says she’s not as good as she thinks she is, which is his lame way of trying to put people down to make himself feel better. But she makes it to Hollywood, probably to make someone like KKKristy Lee Cookkk look prettier while dancing around her burning crosses.

Perrie Cataldo is up next with his son, Avion. He’s a single father because his son’s mother died by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tonight, I was in the wrong place (watching television) at the wrong time (when American Idol was on, unable to find my remote). So I know the feeling. He sings “I’ll Make Love to You” and it’s decent. Simon calls it “really, really good”. Honestly, I’m still bored though. And so is Avion. Ryan tells him that his dad is going to Hollywood, and Avion deadpans, “OK.” I like that kid.

Literally, as I’m writing this recap, my leg fell asleep. It’s indicative of how I’m feeling. Sometimes my limbs are metaphoric like that.

We next have to sit through plant Michael Johns. The producers don’t even attempt to give him a back story since “douchebag who stole songs from a band” isn’t exactly endearing. He sings some Australian song, which makes Simon cream his pants. He calls Michael “a white soul singer,” which they need to sign on Clive’s labels since they axed Taylor. We’ll see how that works out the second time around. The judges pretend not to know him and put him through to Hollywood. Unless the judges turn on him, I’m already tired of this Aussie.

Next up, some stupid guy with glasses sucks. Then some stupid guy in a white t-shirt and wifebeater sucks. Then some big-lipped bitch sucks. If you didn’t watch the show tonight, that explains the previous segment more than you can understand.

Valerie Reyes is up next, and she wants Mariah Carey to know, “That’s my girl!” She’s obsessed with Mariah and even claims that people confuse the two, because Valerie is a gifted singer who decided to whore herself out to rappers in exchange for mountains of plastic surgery. She sings “Against All Odds”, and she may have the strongest goat vibrato of any contestant to ever appear on the show. VFTW likes! Her high whistle notes are hilariously awful, but soon I’m feeling sorry for her because you can tell the producers built her up so much to let her down at this moment. She cries in the confessional, “Oh my God, I’m another reject.” Sucks, doesn’t it? Valerie seems like a really sweet girl though, and it sucks that the producers played her for a few minutes of embarrassing television. Hopefully that’s enough to unite her with our cause. Come on and join, Valerie. You know you want to.

Seacrest then tells us that, “It’s season 7, if you bring a gimmick, it’s going to backfire. What we won’t tell you though is that the auditioners go through many auditions before seeing the celebrity judges, so if they don’t bring a gimmick, they have a 0% chance of making it. We’re hypocrites like that.”

Monique Gibson and Christopher Baker came with no gimmicks. They’re just 2 good friends who want to make it to Hollywood. Monique predicts that she will be in Hollywood, then the finals, and definitely will make it all the way to the end. Both are bad singers and both continue to sing long after the judges cut them off. Both then freak out at the camera when they leave. I love that they tried, but even the anger seemed forced. The bad auditions have lost their… damn… leg’s asleep again.

The judges all get a lot of love when the auditions come to town. One poor blind woman says that Randy Jackson is sexy. And a little person holds up a poster that says “I can make Ryan look tall.” I wish they’d let Simon bring his “I can make Ryan look heterosexual” poster in. Simon gets a lot of love from Samantha Musa, who thinks he is really hot. She likes his bad boy streak. She apparently also likes the smell of stale cigarettes and cum-scented hair gel. Ryan acts pissy toward Samantha until she says she likes him too… then he perks up like a neglected puppy. When Samantha enters the room, her sister throws a note after her. Simon reads the note and notices that he’s one of the people the girls want to meet besides “Oprah and Ohbayma.” Instead of saying Obama, as we all know to be the last name of Presidential hopeful Barack, he calls him Oh-Bay-Ma. Good job with the current events, Cowell. I guess he only reads news stories about himself. To cap off this lame audition, Samantha’s sister becomes a judge and barely supports her sister when asked how she did. But Samantha is through to Hollywood regardless.

The statue of liberty is back. Remember him from season 5? Well his name is Blake Boshnack, and he has auditioned 10 times since season 3. His mom, Leslie, says American Idol is the main part of her whole life. She says the dream is bigger to her than her son. This, my friends, is the perfect situation to implement euthanasia. There is no hope for her. Blake, who is slightly less pathetic, decides to sing “Stand By Me.” He’s really no worse than any of the interchangeable blonde whores who sing country songs this year, so there’s no reason not to put him through. But of course, the judges don’t give him a ticket to Hollywood. Leslie puts her ear to the door during the audition and says that Ryan probably already knows what’s going to happen. Ryan says, and I quote, “How should I know? It’s a reality TV show.” I thought this was a “singing competition.” A-Ha! We got you. Even though Blake is rejected, he tells everyone to pursue their dream. This is followed by a terrible montage of people who can’t sing with a Rod Stewart song about living your dream. It’s worse than it sounds.

Alverto Hurtado says that he is very shy and that Idol is the ultimate rebuilding of his soul. This guy is beyond lame and not even funny, so I’m not going to waste any more time writing about him.

Plant #2 of the evening, David Archuleta is up. Instead of telling the viewers that David was introduced to the show’s producers during season 1 and was immediately shopped around to record producers for a deal, apparently we’d rather hear about his vocal paralysis. His doctor told him that he had a paralyzed vocal chord and could have surgery, but it was “way risky.” He was sick for a long time and could barely talk, but now he’s better. Of course, this barely makes sense, and David’s telling of the story makes it sound fake because he keeps inserting awkward smiles. Who knows if it’s real, but honestly, it’s barely interesting. David sings “Waiting on the World to Change,” but not all that well. He forgets the words at least twice. This is a backfiring plant. He can’t even remember the words to one verse of a song that he chose himself. Maybe I like him after all. The judges compliment his tone and don’t even refer to the fact that he completely messed up his audition by forgetting the words. This is a big-time plant. Will David mess up his words again in the top 24? And will the judges even care? And will my leg stay awake through the last part of this recap? These are all questions I don’t claim to know the answers to. Nor do I particularly care to know them.

Our last singer of the evening is Carly Smithson. Previously know as Carly Henessy, she’s the epitome of a record industry failure. After bombing big time while trying to become the next Britney Spears, she tried out during season 5. How will the show make her seem sympathetic? She was disqualified and cried for days. How will the show make her freaky husband seem palatable? Her husband is covered in ridiculous tattoos, but he says was scared to come with her in case he would freak everyone out. He also doubles as convenient product placement for Jordin Sparks’ debut single. How will the show promote their new rocker chick? By having her sing “I’m Every Woman” by Whitney Houston. Wait… what the fuck? It’s really obnoxious and riddled with melisma, but the judges love it anyway. Go figure. The only highlight is when Simon says she wasn’t as good as two years ago and her bug eyes come out. That reaction said, “Wait, I thought Nigel said you guys were going to pimp me. What the hell?” After getting her golden ticket, she cries about how it hurt so bad when this was taken from her last time. Oh man, I can’t deal with this. Just get her in the top 12 already. To be fair, Carly and Tattoo Man could be very nice people. But the ridiculous over the top ringer status ultimately leads me to side with not liking them. But take solace, Carly. All you have to do is suck really bad every week and I’ll start to like you. Trust me, it’s a LOT more fun.

Tomorrow, in South Carolina, we will all be bored. Though again, I shall do my thankless job of recapping the show so you don’t have to watch. You’re welcome. I know, I know. I truly am a Saint. Sanjaya the messiah thanks you.