According to Semencrest, Charleston is the “friendliest city in America.” He also referred to the auditions as “fresh, untapped talent.” Since we all know by now that the auditioners that make it through are merely plants and ringers, Charleston must actually be the least friendly city in America. I got what you were trying to do there, Ryan. Clever.

Our first lame, retread story of the evening comes from Oliver Highman, whose wife is going into labor so he has to leave. The Idol baby story has been done just about every season. It was even done last week in Dallas. Can’t he come up with something new? I don’t care if your wife has to push the sucker back in, stop having babies on the show as a desperate ploy for camera time. Unfortunately, we get to see him about 20 more times during the episode and he’s the last to sing. Oh well.

First up is Raysharde Henderson, who calls himself the black Clay Aiken. He sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and he really does have that gay Broadway tone to his voice, just like Clay. It’s uncanny! He’s a mediocre singer who is sometimes good and sometimes bad. Other than being inconsistent, if he was attractive, the judges would have let him through. They’ve done it for the wide array of interchangeable blonde whores so far this year. But Raysharde is not interchangeable. He’s not blonde. And he’s probably not a whore. Simon calls it 1970’s cabaret cruise ship and asks Raysharde to leave the ship. Oh well.

Next up is Kellie Pickler wannabe DeAnna Prevatte from Albemarle, NC. Do the people in that city actually sit around and talk about Kellie all day? Because seriously, if we’re ever looking for a city to test out nuclear weapons on, I volunteer Albemarle. It’s just a city full of waitresses whose daddies are in jail. No loss. DeAnna complains that the Sunday crowd at her restaurant is obnoxious because they just started All You Can Eat and they end up tipping $1. Yep, let’s blow up Albemarle. They’re fat and cheap. After slightly butchering “Fancy”, she goes off on Simon for mispronouncing her white trash name. Simon liked the anger, passion, and the fact that she got on her knees (his quote, not mine), but still passes on her.

If you’ve ever ventured to Americanidol.com, you’re a brave soul. VFTW even has a message board thread dedicated to making fun of the ridiculous morons who inhabit the cesspool known as the official Idol message board, also known as the Scaryboard. To prove my point, I will go and paste 2 random Scaryboard posts below. Remember, this is just random. Also, I left the colors in tact so you can see the posts in their true, awful, natural state. Though all pictures have been removed, because frankly, I'm too lazy to rehost 5 billion smilie images. Read and weep:

Post by Troll_Patrol:

Topic: PARTY of FIVE !!!! Create your own FAVE FIVE PARTY this season SO

FAR...keep it updated, post pics, talk and HAVE FUN !!!!

Posted: Thu, Jan

17 2008, 8:54

PM

Who are YOUR

top five contestants RIGHT NOW?!?

I emphasize RIGHT NOW because as the auditions go

on,

as Hollywood goes on, etc,

I want to SEE your updates HERE!

I want to hear WHY your top five has changed

(if it has)

and what you liked or did not like about performances...

This will be tough during the

auditions....

so MAKE SURE

to watch closely

and don't miss out on YOUR chance

to show us who your top five is NOW

so we can look back

and see how early you backed

your CONTESTANT!!!!

Don't FORGET to add this thread to your

FAVORITES!!!!

Post by INXSGirl:

Topic: Sexiest performances on A.I...

Posted: Wed,

Jan 23 2008, 2:53 PM

OK...what performance from a guy

and girl going back all the way to season 1 till last season would u say was

the sexiest on A.I..And just to be sure I went and re watched on u tube and

heres mine.....

Male: Ace Young -Father Figure( I

wasnt a huge Ace fan but uh that was HOTT)...

Female: "Christiana Christian

from season 1.. "Aint no sunshine (how can it not be)

Whats urs?

Point proven. So two Scaryboard posters, Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark, want to prove to the world that Americanidol.com is not full of inbred hicks who can’t sing. They fail. They sing a terrible song called “She’s More”, and Randy’s ridiculous goat vibrato drowns out Crystal. When rejected, he counters that he gives audition advice on the Scaryboard. Crystal also wants to genuinely know if her parents have been lying to her about singing well and if she should stop singing at family functions. Simon tells her that she should stop singing. I’d argue, but honestly the Scaryboarders need a dose of reality sometimes. These are the same morons who don’t believe Carly Hennessy and Carly Smithson are the same person because they have different names.

We’re 15 minutes in and have not seen one good singer. Typical. Though Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin will fix that. Jeffrey says anyone can sing, but you have to have the “OW” factor. Also, Paula inspired his scarf, Randy inspired his outfit, Simon inspired his dog tags because he “has that military presence that I love” (what the hell?), and Ryan inspired his over the top overt homosexuality. I love these two, they’re a lot of fun. They sing a duet and they actually sound great together. Simon loves them and Paula thinks they have a good chemistry. They’re brother and sister, Paula. That’s nasty. Go have sex with the contestants. When both of the siblings are put through to Hollywood, they hoot and holler, praising Jesus and knocking over everything in the hotel. VFTW Victory! This of course means neither of them will get anywhere near the voting rounds.

Dad-to-be is lost looking for the hospital. Riveting. Then we watch paint drying, which Corpsey Lebland deems fun. After that much excitement, Idol treats us to a montage of the stupid city song du jour, which happens to be “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood. Only 2 good things came out of this. First some shirtless fat guy says he dug his keys into the side of “his pretty little four piece, four piece drive.” This isn’t about what you had for lunch from KFC, dude. Then a girl in a red dress gets down with her bad self, changing the lyrics to the song so that she starts smashing and breaking everything in sight. Maybe next time he’ll actually think before he cheats now since red dress girl got into it. No one is intimidated by the Farmbot. Red dress girl owns.

Walking sterotype Amy Flynn is up next. She’s the captain of her school dance team, which leaves her with enough energy to go to schools to educate people on the dangers of not abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and sex. She’s not very effective. Watching this show drives me to drink. Then I light a cigarette so I can burn my eyes off. And lastly, I have to get laid at least once after each viewing so that the morbid feelings of regret don’t drive me to suicide. Amy says that her name is “Amy, Amy Catherine, AC, whatevs.” Oh Lord, it’s another Scaryboarder. When asked to do her little speech about abstaining from sex, it basically sounds like this:

“Oh my God! You’ve been together for like 2 years. You can wait for sex. Like what’s another 7 or 8 years? Big deal! Like seriously. Like do you know how much better it will be when you wait and show how much like self control you like have? Totally. It’ll be like so great. Not that I like know because I’m waiting. But like totally you should take advice from me because I just like know. Serially.”

Give her 2 years to get to college. This girl will be putting Antonella to shame. Until then, we’re stuck listening to her sing Christina Aguilera’s “Reflection.” It’s underwhelming. Simon said that it sounded like a naughty girl singing in the bedroom. What the fuck, Simon? This is a 16 year old girl. They put her through to Hollywood, but Simon is sure that many people will find her annoying. I find her to be a great VFTW pick. Which means she has no chance of making it to the voting rounds.

The 100th interchangeable blonde whore of the season is the next to audition. That’s it. I’m going to trademark the term “interchangeable blonde whore” since I use it so much and it’s so appropriate. This one’s name is London Weidberg. How can we tell her apart from the other IBW’s? Well she’s a bit too skinny and has a Skeletor face. So she’s interchangeable blonde Skeletor whore. Her interchangeable blonde sob story is that her dad died 3 years ago from cancer so she’s never been able to sing since she had to concentrate on taking care of him. Her rendition of “Good Morning Heartache” is okay, nothing to write home about, but not bad. Of course she’s through to Hollywood so Simon can assemble his army of IBW’s to take over the world… or at least act as Paris Hilton body doubles in a Carl’s Jr. commercial.

The judges hope for better on the 2nd day because they hated the first. I hope for a better show, but then I realized that The Moment of Truth is on after this. After contemplating dropping my TV out a second story window, I continued to suffer through this torture.

The last few auditions involve the judges listening to a bunch of okay singers who they seem to hate for no reason. Lyndsey Goodman is an Air Force pilot. All of her friends keep telling her to try out for AI because they’re mean and want to see her fail. She grew up wanting to fly and sing, so this is one of her dreams. I personally think there are better avenues to explore singing, but hey, that’s just me. She sings “Black Velvet” and it’s ridiculously mediocre. Simon thinks she is a very good cabaret singer but not a contemporary recording artist. What he means is that she’s not very interchangeable, she’s not blonde, and she’s not a whore, so he can’t let her through to Hollywood. Thus, she doesn’t make it.

Aretha Codner’s family loved Aretha Franklin’s voice so much that they named their daughter after her. Aretha lets us know that she’s as good as Fantasia and all of the other Idols. Well, that’s not exactly hard to do. Just screech out B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A and add a few “Yeah yeah yeah” lines. Aretha sings “I Have Nothing” and it’s okay. She actually sounds pretty decent except for the fact that she keeps changing keys and can’t stay in one key. Each key though actually isn’t bad. She’s no worse than say Kellie Pickler. But Simon tells her she can’t sing well enough. He means she’s not blonde, interchangeable, and whorish enough. Aretha gets pissed and lets the judges know that she heard some shitty people who made it through. We did too, Aretha. We did too.

Joshua Boson screams out “And I Am Telling You.” This song needs to be banned from life. Forever. It’s kind of funny if you picture him screaming the song over the top to make fun of the divas who have seizures while attempting it. But he’s not. Though he does leave us with a little nugget of truth when he calls out, “This show is fake and rigged.” Yes it is. “The judges suck.” Yes they do. Thank you for letting that be known on the show.

Last, and in some cases least, is Oliver Highman, the 27 year old businessman with the ridiculous receding hairline. His baby finally escaped its uterine prison and made history as the 10 millionth baby to appear as a gimmick on the show. After waiting for Oliver to suck, he does, singing “Get Here” in a completely overdone and obnoxious way. His voice isn’t bad, but when he goes for the falshitto high notes, results are hilarious. His vibrato is also ridiculous. Of course, he’s no worse than say Ace Young, but ya know. To his credit, Oliver’s spirits remain high, as he tells his wife that the baby will appreciate that “we have a great story to tell when she grows up.” What, that daddy was rejected on a TV show for singing like a wuss? Great story!

Next Tuesday, we get to visit Omaha. They grow a lot of plants there, so I’m anticipating spraying a lot of pesticide. And stay tuned, as the top 24 list should be coming out any minute now. Why bother watching the chair episode when VFTW can ruin it a month early and save you the hassle? Again, you’re welcome.

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