Bad Singing Show #4: Charleston

Charleston was a twilight zone for American Idol. Not only were the usual loonies fairly amusing and extra loony, but even the rejects were decent singers. Simon was funny and Randy went on a rant about singers “stopping all the vocal antics.” But the biggest clue that the show was coming from uncanny valley... It was fast paced and entertaining. I know. I must be sick.

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South Carolina singers had personality up the wazoo, so lets explore the more entertaining denizens of Charleston.

-- Rasharde - The self-proclaimed “Black Clay Aiken.” He was proud of his 1970’s ABA quality afro, but also he gave a schizophrenic singing work-out that was A quality on the nuttiness meter. I had my fingers crossed that Rasharde would be good. Please people, Rasharde needs an album deal now that whole "job being the next Idol" didn't quite work out for him.

-- DeAnna - Like Flo from Alice, she is a waitress with extra attitude. She also comes from Albemarle, home of the Pickler, so naturally she sings a Pickler song and imitates her “getting down on my knees” vocal stylings. DeAnna's singing style was all shouting, but she gave Simon some world-class sass. I really wished she was good. “It’s Dee-Anna, that’s why I put a capital ‘A’ in it.” I love her.

-- “Big Guns” Aretha (that’s what Seacrest called her). Aretha was big all over, big belt, big... attitude. Big, booming voice. Oh and she butchered a Whitney song. She even gives a big freak-out, refusing to accept that she was anything less than awesome. Which makes her awesome.

-- Clown Pants Joshua - Who can’t sing a lick, proudly declares so, and then seriously freaks out when he doesn’t make it to Hollywood. You’re a winner in my book CPJ. Simon gets the last word: “You are rude and delusional.” Yup, that about covers it.

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VFTW Contenders - Golden Ticket singers with Big, Bad Potential.

-- Michelle and Jefferey - Big brother and sister couple who do an R. Kelly/Celine Deion duet. Is there anything tackier than that dream team, because I can’t think of it? Jefferey is really good and funny. Strong VFTW potential. His sister, not so much.  Jefferey actually makes up words to Generic Porno Music Song and sings it pretty well.  So look for his hit single "Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow" coming soon to I-Tunes. 

-- Amy The Cheerleader - Perky, pouty and proud of her abstinence. Amy and Jordin should sing a soulful virginity duet. Simon calls Amy “annoying” several times, which is enough for me to vault her up to the top of my VFTW Class. Then again she actually vocalizes the slang term "Whatevs", so maybe Simon has a point.

-- London the “Performer.” Let’s see, blonde hair - check. Anorexic appearance - check. Sob story - Check. Affected, tuneless singing - double check. Then she must be a Gold Ticket holder.

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Other delusional buffoons.

-- Oliver Highman... I thought his name was Oliver “Hymen.” Get it... all over her... never mind. Clearly he lived up to his name as his wife gives birth in line. This is going to be a damn theme on this season, isn’t it? Other than his funny name, which he’s clearly sensitive of, Oliver sucks.

-- Young Nerds in Love, Randy and Crystal, met on the AI web-site. I wondered what Idol nerds looked like... and here we are. They “give American Idol audition advice on the Idol website”, yet took NO GOOD ADVICE from anybody by even trying out for the show. Let me just say, if you pictured a random stereotypical couple from backwoods South Carolina, these guys are it. They’re probably related, ‘cause at several points during all their neckin’ I thought they were gonna strip down and bone. So very gross. Good job, Idol.

-- Airforce Amy -- An airforce pilot who is hot, seems like a nice person and has a big voice. So naturally the judges can’t possibly find a way to give her a ticket to Hollywood. Next time you think about auditioning Amy, get yourself a bad dye-job, a sob story and some Whitney tunes.

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And that was that. I liked this episode. I laughed a lot, got nauseated during the Nerds Necking segment. And I thought I saw Poindexter from ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ during the Bad Singing montage.

--Chan