Omaha Auditions- Paula's Drunken Display and Omaha's Got The Gays!

Finally this season Idol lives up to its promise: Paula Abdul is fucked up beyond belief and can barely slur out two sentences! This is why I started watching the show and this is why I’ll still watch it even though it blows. Paula, your Vicodin and vodka induced stupor makes it all worth it. Some chick says Omaha is not that exciting. She’s right, but at least Paula slurs it up. Also, who knew like half of Omaha was homosexual? I didn’t until this episode. Strut your stuff, Omaha! It turns out that Nebraska is the gayest Idol audition city ever, and I’m loving it.

As the episode begins, I start to get disappointed when Ryan announces that Paula’s plane has been delayed. We all know what that’s a code word for. Paula partied a little too hard with the contestants last night while trying to find the next Corey Clark. Oh well, at least Simon flirts with Randy about his glasses. You two, get a room. As find out tonight, Omaha is the gayest place in America anyway.

Chris Bernheisel takes the gay theme to heart and queens out for us. He feels like he’s “gonna explode and happiness is gonna go everywhere.” Chris, that’s not called happiness, no matter what Ryan told you in the men’s room. Starting things off with a bribe, Chris gives Randy a dog (I would have given him a dictionary) and Simon a shirt (I would have given him a parka to cover up those manboobs). Then he gives Simon an album of pictures of him and Kelly Clarkson, but Simon doesn’t recognize Kelly. He literally asks who she is about 3 times. If he wasn’t on the show, I would honestly think he didn’t watch. I mean seriously, clocking in and out for paychecks while letting your writers make up lame quips must be such a tough life. Chris proudly announces that Idol is “about giving people a second chance at their dreams.” In this season of plants, you have no idea how right you are, Chris. He sings “Since U Been Gone” complete with a handstand and incredibly awful vocal gymnastics. Simon says that Chris has something Randy doesn’t, warmth and a personality. OK, fine… Simon does watch the show. As a pity gift, Simon tells Chris that he should be the host for his local Fox affiliate at the finale. This apparently excites Chris so much that he jumps all the way out the door and down the escalator.

Jason Rich is a 21-year-old from Stout, Iowa. He works on a farm part time for his girlfriend’s dad. Wait, Jason, did you miss the memo? Only gays can try out today. We’re in Omaha. Go gays! He sings “When You Say Nothing At All”… or rather, he tries to sing it but keeps forgetting the words. Somewhere off camera, Nigel Lythgoe is smacking himself in the head for letting this guy anywhere near the judges. His voice is actually okay, but after messing up 3 times, he shouldn’t have been given another chance, let alone a ticket to Hollywood. Though it’s a VFTW victory because he’ll just mess up during Hollywood week and take up precious screen time while making us laugh.

Paula finally saunters in, completely messed up. This is great! She hasn’t been this loopy for a season or two. I missed the old Paula. To torture the audience, Idol then shows people who forgot lyrics, including Edgar, who tried out in Philly and posts on our site. Good job not even showing people in Omaha, awful editors. At least at the end of the montage, we’re treated to Paula drunkenly sleeping on the table. It’s gonna be a good episode!

Next up is Rachael Wicker, who was raised around boys and loves to arm wrestle. She’s Interchangeable Blonde Whore number whatever, but at least she has a hideous haircut to help her stand out. She sings “Don’t Tell Me To Stop Loving You” and tends to yodel strongly while singing. It’s not bad though. Manboobs criticizes her by saying, “It’s as if you’re performing at the end of the career like it hasn’t worked out.” No, that’s Carly Smithson, KKKristy Lee Cookkk and the other plants. At least Rachael tried out for this show on her own. Randy criticizes her yodeling, but still says yes. Simon says yes. Paula is hopped up and stretching instead of paying attention, but says yes. To make me love her more, Paula arm wrestles Rachael and slurs out a compliment about her skin. Vodka Sips Attract indeed.

Sarah Whitaker finally ups the lesbian factor and tells us that she used to be a wrestler named Lady Morgue. The other contestants, including some unnamed Interchangeable Blonde Whores, are scared of her laugh. I think it’s awesome. She also pretends to hit Ryan, which earns her points in my book. Next time, smack him on his pretty little face for maximum hilarity, Sarah. She then butchers some terrible song and Simon calls it the soundtrack to the town. No, the soundtrack to the town is “It’s Raining Men.” Coincidently, it’s also the soundtrack to Simon’s dressing room. Sarah loves being strange, but Randy and Simon aren’t feeling it. Paula is clearly fucked up, so she leans over and barely lets out a yes. Wait, yes? She either isn’t paying attention or she’s the VFTW judge. Sweet! Good work, Paula. She’s so messed up.

After Sarah is rejected, Paula wanders into the hallway and slurs “hi” to Samatha Sidley. Ryan takes the opportunity to wander in and become a judge. This officially makes Paula the interviewer. To show how alert she is, she barely lets out a coherent, “Go in there and kick butt.” Ryan snidely asks how the interview was. It’s Paula, of course it was one sentence that made no sense with a whiskey undertone. Samantha sings “Don’t Know Why”, pretending to be a naïve farm girl, when really she’s a friend of Katharine McPhee’s from Los Angeles. Lame. The judges all say yes, with Paula flailing around and re-entering the room while she yells, “It’s about singing!” I could have sworn it was about pills, pills, pills. The judges all tease Ryan for being an awful judge, but Paula just stares off into space and collapses on the table. Samantha is off to Hollywood anyway, which is where she’s originally from. How exciting.

We then get to see something rare: more gold ticket winners. This time, Idol apparently seems to want to concentrate on the winners. How contrary of them. It’s almost cute. Elizabeth Erkert is apparently good, but I didn’t care for her. Then, Denise Jackson is back. IT’S THE CRACK BABY FROM LAST SEASON!!!! YAY, CRACK BABY!!! I MISSED YOU!!! How’s life without crack? Good to hear. Michael Sanfillippo is our 3rd gay of the evening. He sucks, but he’s off to Hollywood anyway. Elizabeth mistakenly says she is America’s Next Top Model on the way down the escalator. No, Elizabeth, that show actually sometimes rewards talent. Unless your name is Saleisha and you knew Tyra before going on the show and she gives you an ugly haircut and you win despite taking mediocre pictures and looking like Tootie from the Facts of Life. Wait, a plant? This show is like America’s Next Top Model after all!

After that lame little montage, we get to meet Angelica Puente from Wisconin. She’s OMG17 and she has issues with her parents. She moved out of her home because she argues with them too much. But luckily she fixed all of this by calling her dad during a concert and leaving a distorted song on his voice mail. Mistaking Martina McBride’s voice for his daughter’s, the dad decided to then pay for Angelica’s trip to audition for Idol. Um, I’d let her come back home to live first. That’s just me, I mean, shelter is kind of important. A little more important than meeting a stuffy Brit, a man who barely speaks English, and a boozehound. This girl obviously needs counseling, but hey, let’s make her famous anyway and she'll forget all of her troubles. She screams “The Power of Love” by Celine Dion, which comes out a bit squeaky. It’s not bad, but it’s completely unoriginal. The judges agree, calling her a mimic. Paula can barely mutter a sentence, but does mention that Angelica has a “lack of performance.” Randy says yes. Paula says nothing, but the editors overdub a voice-over of her saying “yes” in to the audition. You can even tell it’s overdubbed. Oh, Paula, are your words failing you? Good girl! After making it to Hollywood, Angelica goes to hug her 500 family members outside the room, even though she just whined 5 minutes ago about how her family doesn't like her or whatever. If they hate her so much, who are these people? She then calls her dad and tells him that she’s going to Hollywood and he barely seems to care. That’s because he knows this is the plant season. Since Angelica is not a plant, she will not make it. And since she is not gay, she is not favored in Omaha.

After a commercial, we have to suffer through a music video from Daughtryhinderbuckcherryback. Apparently, massive tool Chris Daughtry has encouraged rockers to step up and rock. Um, what the fuck? First off, since when has Chris ever rocked? And secondly, how about Bo? He rocked way better than Chris and was on the show the season prior to us even having to see the Penis With Ears. Unluckily for us, Chris inspired our 4th gay of the evening, David Cook. He sings “Living on a Prayer” and it’s competent but boring. As ae.hunt says, he’s like a combo of Gina Glocksen’s fake rocking with hair color and Blake Lewis’s fake style with sweater vests. Randy says that David needs some persona. He probably says this because we tend to criticize people for what we actually do. Oh, God! That means I’m a plant. Crap, this ruins everything. I guess I have to shut the site down now…

Just kidding. But I am a plant. Fox pays me billions to keep this site running. Suckers. David is off to Hollywood and I’m off to fill up Paula’s cup with Everclear.

Gay #5 of the evening is Johnny Escamilla. He lets us know that, “pretty much, I’m one of the weirdest guys you’ll ever meet.” I agree with him, due to this quote from his MySpace (spelling errors kept intact):

NOTE: Also, I'd like say a few things on my sexual orientation. I don't include that information in my "background and lifestyle" because I find MySpace's descriptions limited. So I think it's best to explain here, especially when most people who would read this, would really like to know me. _____________________________________________________________ Primarily, I'm asexual, which means I have little to no interest in romatic relationships, I just find them unnessesary and unappealing. However, I like to keep myself open to new people, so evidently I do have a preference - in fact, I have two! I'm gay but my second preference is straight-emotional, which means I still like to keep myself open to females, but only romantically. So that about sums it up. _____________________________________________________________ Orientation and preference are more complicated than people realize, and someday, I wish that people wont be so critical in criticing people on such a personal level.

Johnny, you’re a weird motherfucker, but I love you anyway. Johnny lets us know that he has a lot of potential, which makes Paula starts hiccuping because she's too drunk. The judges start to pay attention to her and forget Johnny is even in the room. No, Johnny, get their attention! To do so, Johnny sings “Shout”, complete with frenzied dance moves. Paula’s seizure is interspersed with Johnny's singing for maximum VFTW viewership. Being that I can’t decide if I like Johnny’s craziness or Paula’s drunkenness better, we get both. Nice work, editors. I’ll let that Edgar thing slide. Simon calls Johnny everything he hated. Yes, because Johnny is awesome and out of the closet, unlike a certain judge. I call Johnny innately VFTW. The judges all say no, even Paula. But if I had to bet dollars for donuts, Johnny is already a Worster and we’ve probably even heard from him before. Come back, Johnny, and mock Paula with us. You know you want to.

Before the last contestant of the night, we have to sit through a stupid montage of people singing “Stuck in the Middle With You.” It sucks except for the part where Paula literally starts climbing on the table. Awesome! She's stuck in the middle with booze.

Our 6th and final gay of the evening is Leo Marlowe. He’s from Charlotte, Iowa and he is literally the first person to outwardly say he is gay on the show. Not that Clay Aiken or Anwar Robinson had to say it, but come on. Be happy with yourself, kids. Good for him! He sings “A Song For You” but honestly he’s not nearly as good as Elliott is on this song. Since it was Elliott’s signature song, the comparisons will be made, and Leo falls flat. Not to say that he’s bad, because he’s actually a good singer. But you know. Simon says that Leo is very open and not defensive. Paula does a “TOUCHDOWN” sign and screams. Obviously he makes it to Hollywood, but not to the voting rounds. Oh well, he was far too good for our site anyway.

Coming up tomorrow night… we head off to Miami. If Paula is anywhere near as fucked up as she was tonight, I may actually start to enjoy this season!