Bad Singing Show #5: Omaha

Howdy Class,

I have to say this was a pretty good episode.  One hour.  Plenty of crazies.  Simon had some good one-liners.  Seacrest gets his ass kicked by a couple of girls.  Paula is completely drunk.  Randy makes a bunch of hypocritical comments about singing that will come back to bite him... complements of yours truly.  Also, since we know who the final 24 are I don’t have to waste time talking about Gold Ticket wannabes.  And best of all, the one guy on the show that makes it to the Finals is a crappy-singing tool bith a stupid haircut who has Votefortheworst written all over him.   

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VFTWer David Cook- Does he have Sanjaya potential?  

Lets see.  He emulates Daughtry but dresses like Blake Lewis.  He has a goofy emo rooster faux-hawk.  He sings the Karaoke Klassic “Livin’ on a Prayer” in a barely audible, breathy style and doesn’t even get to a rockin’ chorus.  He’s got silly hand movements to go with the song... And best of all he's in the FINALS!

I say the kid is a winner.  Welcome to Hollywood David!

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Other assorted loonies:

--Really Effeminate Chris - an alleged Paula fan who doesn’t even notice she’s not there because she's sleeping off a power-drinking weekend.  Chris gets the quote of the night when he says he will “Explode and happiness will go flying everywhere.”  I don’t know what that means, but it warranted a VFTW mention.  Chris is terrible and he knows it, so he has prepared his Idol Red Carpet Spokesperson audition, and gets a gig on FOX Nebraska.  Chris explodes with happiness out the door.  Strange, Simon was really nice to him.

--Rachel the Arm Wrestler - She gets a ticket but she ain’t a finalist, so that’s all I have to say about her.  Randy wonders why all country singers sing with a yodel in their voice.  This would be relevent if he also wondered why all the freakin’ Mariah-be’s sing with the tortured goat vibrato.  But he doesn’t.  So he’s a tool.

-- Sledgehammer Sarah - an amateur Professional Wrestler who dresses in scary goth make-up (scary because of how terrible it is).  Sarah sings a weird musical theater song badly.  At least she gets to bitch-slap Ryan.  I'm so jealous.

-- Shy Samantha - She sucks, gets a ticket, we never hear from her again, but she’s notable because Randy criticizes her strange hand movements.  Pay careful attention to all the Idol Finalists who have gawky hand movements because they don’t know what to do with themselves while singing.  We better hear about them, Randy.

-- Angelika - a shouter who gets a gold ticket.  I wish she made it to the Finals, but no luck.  Simon pulls a Randy by hypocritically declaring: “This is not a sound-alike competition” when she sounded too much like Norah Jones.  Okay, tell that to all the Mariah-Bes in the final 24 you jackelope.

-- Johnny the self-proclaimed weird guy with a gold lamee shirt.  And he sings an awful version of “shout” while doing a Steve Martin “Crazy Feet” wacky dance.  He’s exceptionally bad.  Johnny really needed to go to Hollywood.  That would’ve been fantastic.  

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And now the pink elephant in the room... Paula’s intoxication.  Hot damn that was funny stuff.  She must’ve sampled some of the local Nebraska home brew because she was incoherent.  Any description I make won’t do it justice.  You need to track this down on youtube if you haven’t seen it.  

Some choice moments include:

Paula passing out on the judge’s table.

Paula incapable of holding her head up.

Paula incapable of keeping her eyes open.

Paula crawling on the table asking for a spanking.

Paula giving a world-class whisky hiccup.

Paula jumping to her feet and shouting “Touchdown!” After a singer finishes his song.

Awesome.

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I have to say this was one of the best Bad Singing episodes ever.  Hopefully Paula can bottle up some of that moonshine and vicodin fueled madness for the rest of the long Idol season.

“Touchdown!”

--Chan