Miami Auditions- pOts and pAns BlitChes fcUk wId It!!! (and Julie Dubela Rocks My Socks)

It’s time for Miami Vice. As if Idol wasn’t desperate enough, they resort to lame parody sequences to pass the time. Just get on with it already, Idol. Paula wasn’t drunk enough and Miami wasn’t interesting enough. Even though Ryan tells us that “Paula arrived in good spirits”, I wanted to hear “Paula arrived with good spirits. Lots of them. Tons of bottles.” Get it right next time, Seacrest. Because Omaha was awesome. And Miami was subpar. Even if Simon calls Paula “slutty.”

Shannon McGough is the first to sing. She works in a meat market for her parents, where she apparently learned to belch loudly. She tells us that she would not be devastated to not have to work with bloody meat anymore, but I think we all know she’s going to be devastated. Simon is aroused when Shannon says she “handles meat.” What an old perv. To get that off his mind, Shannon decides to sing “Crybaby” by Janis Joplin. But rather than sing the song, she screams the entire thing. There’s a hint of a good singer under all of the screaming, but ya know, she decides to go to the Katharine McPhee school of talent. Not enough melisma for Katharine’s liking though. And not enough crotch shots. Randy tells her that there’s not enough melody to the song and Simon discourages her from singing again. Shannon is shocked at these revelations because the producers all told her she was great (which is why you never listen to an American Idol producer). The best part is Shannon’s squeaky mom squeaking out, “No! Why? Everything you went through? I can’t believe this!” Shannon says she is done with Idol. If only I were so lucky, Shannon. If only. But I have a responsibility to mock this show and dammit, I’m gonna do it!

Next up, plant Robbie Carrico was in failed band Boyz-N-Girlz United and now pretends to be a rocker. Let’s see what fake back story they make up to hide his past, shall we? Ryan says that Robbie… was in a boy band and now is a rocker. Wait? Idol told the truth? How often does this happen? I better go buy a lottery ticket! The judges like him, even though he sounds like an even more off-key Daughtry clone. He also needs a shower. Badly. After he gets his golden ticket, his friends spray him with silly string in the hallway as he slyly hits on Seacrest. Robbie, gay day was yesterday. Take your closet case self to Omaha, silly.

Ghaleb Emachah from Venezuela is up next and he loves his gypsy music. He loves to do what he does with passion. This includes singing “You Sang To Me.” This guy has a pretty decent voice but unfortunately isn’t attractive and has a Constantcrap Moronis chin. Paula likes him, but says his accent is too strong. Like he can change that. Paula, I like you, but you’re not drunk enough. Since you can change this, please go get messed up. I’ll wait. After he makes it to Hollywood, Paula acts slightly strange and Simon requests that the producers check what’s in Paula’s cup. He asks now and not in Omaha? Someone is a day late and a pound (from Ryan Seacrest) short.

Two tons of love come by to greet us in the form of Brittany Wescott and Corliss Smith. They’re like sisters and they like the same things, except Britney likes skinny men like Seacrest, while Corliss like beefier men like Randy. I like men with personalities, so I don’t like either of them. But Brittany and Corliss have personality to spare, and they’re really likeable. Corliss sings a jazz song to Randy and it’s pretty decent. Finally a big girl who doesn’t belt out lame Whitney clone diva songs. Brittany sings “My Guy” to Simon, and she’s your standard run of the mill R&B singer. When they both get to Hollywood, they tackle the judges as if they’re about to lock up the buffet for the night. But they’re lots of fun and I really liked them. Which of course means they will not make it to the voting rounds. Lame.

After a commercial, we immediately jump into Suzanne Toon’s sob story. No Seacrest voiceover. No standing in the waiting room. Just sob, sob, sob. Oh I am a single mother. And I have a kid. And it’s so hard. Boo hoo. I am not going to take responsibility and get a real job or go back to school, I’m going to try the easy way out on American Idol. Sob, sob, sob. She doesn’t even talk to the judges, she just starts singing as well. Did the editors just get bored with her or something? She sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and it’s completely underwhelming. Paula says that she has a sexiness to her voice and Simon calls her attractive when she sings. Randy warns her about her pitch and melody (don’t warn her, we need bad singers in Hollywood) and they all let her through.

We’re then treated to season 3 Vote for the Worst pick Jasmine Trias in a montage. Jasmine? Seriously? She was terrible and made headlines for being the Vote for the Worst pick who eliminated LaToya London in 4th place. So why is she back on the show? To provide a set-up for Ramiele Malubay, another Filipino girl who wants to win Idol. To make it even funnier, a voiceover talks while Jasmine holds out an incredibly off key note. Oh Jasmalien, you’ve hypnotized VFTW with your flower power of terror, but the general audience still thinks you suck. Ramiele wants to be the first Asian Idol, but let’s ask William Hung, Paul Kim, Camile Velasco, Phuong Pham, Jose “Sway” Penala, and even the “I Am Your Brother” guy how that worked out for them. Idol has a habit of making fun of anyone Asian, because Idol is a racist show. That’s right, I said it. Racists. Go home to your racist houses and racist families with racists TV’s to watch racist Idol, you racist producers. Ramiele sings “Natural Woman” with a big voice. Really, she’s just screaming a lot and it’s not that good. Her voice goes off pitch a lot because screaming makes it hard to stay in one key. Simon says she sounds more like a hotel singer than a contemporary singer, but Paula and Randy love her. She makes it to Hollywood and her dad goes crazier than she does. At least her MySpace gave us all a new catchphrase: “pOts and pAns BlitChes fcUk wId It!!!” I have no idea what that means. I think it translates to “I am planning on being the next VFTW pick, and I will do you proud.” Really, it probably does, as this girl is all hype and will surely embarrass all Asians after a few weeks in the top 24.

The second day is about to begin and Paula is drunky as a monkey with her sunglasses on to hide her red eyes. Yay! Though Syesha Mercado wants to make us all cry with her overdone diva voice. Will the producers tell the real story about Plant Syesha, how she’s a commercial actress and how she appeared on failed television show The One? Nope. We just hear about how her dad used to struggle with drugs and alcohol. She is the second person to sing Aretha in a row, and she screams it even louder than Ramiele. Again, it goes off key when she starts screaming at the end. When will these bitches learn? Hopefully never, so that they can become the VFTW pick. They all let her through because the producers were waving potted plants around as a signal. Boring. Thankfully she’s not nearly as good as divas in the show’s past, so she’ll either be eliminated early or she’ll become a great VFTW pick.

Natashai Blanch sings the overdone “At Last” and goes to Hollywood. Failed plant Ilsy Lorena Pinot sings “Unfaithful” and the judges say yes. But other people don’t have as much luck. Ben Hausbach sings VFTW standard “Crocodile Rock” and is laughed at. Carroy Bethea and Grant Rhea suck, and Simon tells Grant to come back in a dress. Didn’t we get past this homophobic shit 2 years ago? Fabienne Hyppolite sings, and I don’t remember anything about it, but I do remember she has the second best name of the season. Good job, Fabienne! And lastly, Richard Valles sings with a nasally, awful tone.

Seacrest announces, “What we needed was a seasoned professional.” No shit, Sherlock, the entire cast is made up of them this year. But instead of someone good, we get Julie Dubela. This girl is my hero. She’s an annoying 16 year old who appeared on American Juniors, the first terrible spinoff of American Idol where little kids sang. It was a flop, just like every other Idol spinoff. Simon doesn’t even have anything nice to say about the show even though the producers of it are writing his paychecks. Julie sings “Me and Bobby McGee” and fails miserably like the other little girl who sang Janis Joplin. Her overdone facial expressions are pretty funny. Simon calls her precocious, and she has no idea what it means. The judges try to play nice, but soon start insulting Julie by telling her she’ll never be a good singer. Simon even tells her to stop playing it up for the cameras because she’s not good enough. Taking that as a cue, Julie has one of the best Idol meltdowns in history, getting progressively more and more pissed off, incredulous at the fact that she wasn’t picked. She cries that she gave up singing at a Red Sox game to be here and that she just wanted a chance. Then she starts screaming “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” and tells the audience, “Don’t audition for American Idol, don’t watch the show.” Great advice, Julie! Again, I wish I could take it. But Julie’s meltdown was historical and hilarious, and I officially dub her one of my favorite auditioners of the season. Thank you for making this episode bearable, Julie.

Last, and by most cases least, is Brandon Black, who has a lame comedy routine. No one is laughing, and even the judges are bored by it. He announces that he’s going to sing “I’ll Make Love To You” to Paula, and she gets really offended by the gesture. Oh come on, you old biddy. If the guy looked like Corey Clark, you’d be creaming your panties about that song choice. Which is gross, because Corey is hideous looking. Then again, vodka does crazy things to your vision. After failing with his first song and “I Am the Next American Idol”, Brandon is summarily dismissed as “desperate.” Randy and Simon get tired and leave, but Paula is too drunk to stand so she just sits there. Not drunk enough, mind you, but still too drunk.

Next week we go to our last audition city, Atlanta. Wait, did I say last? Do we get to vote soon? Hell yes, bitches! This audition crap is almost over. Atlanta, then a Best of Auditions episode (why?), then 2 Hollywood episodes, and we finally get to vote for the next Sanjaya. I can’t wait to ruin this show!