Bad Singing Show #6: Miami

Posted by Professor Chan on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 at 6:58 PM EST
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Howdy Class,


Well, you knew after the triumphant Paula performance in Omaha that it would be a bit of a let down today.  Sure Paula was mostly incoherent.  And istead of listening to Simon at one point she put her fingers in her ears and went “la-la-la-la” for 20 minutes.  But that’s just normal Paula, not chemically enhanced.


What I find fascinating about American Idol is that they’re more than willing to ridicule their superstar nut job just as much as the next William Hung-a-be.  The editors took glee inserting every single Paula antic into the show, and we were rewarded for it.  Thank you Editors.


Also we see a few Hollywood Finalists, so we get to Grade their VFTW potential.  

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VFTW Contenders -- Top 24 Finalists and their chances of sucking.


Robbie “The Ringer” Carrico - A former boy band singing “Rock” music.  Yeah, that’ll go down well.  Robbie is about as milquetoast as Phil Stacey.  Take away the grotty facial hair and he’s a typical stale as Simon’s jokes AI Finalist.

VFTW POTENTIAL?  Robbie The Ringer looks fairly grungy but it’s carefully calculated Federline Grunge, not earned by passing out in a cardboard box in an alley like the best Pop Idols.  I can’t see us voting for this guy unless he does something very wrong in the next couple of weeks.


Ramiel the Jasmine Trias Lover Maluby -- She’s pert and perky.  She has a big voice and doesn’t know what to do with it.  I could see some potential disasters with Ramiel that would make Final 3 Jasmine Trias proud.  She’s cute as a button and she’s not a ringer.  And her dad is a goofball.  

VFTW POTENTIAL? I see a big upside for Ramiel in the Finals.


Syesha “The Plant” Mercado -- She’s got a big voice.  She predictably goes for an Aretha song (I see many Whitney Power Ballads in her Finals future).  She’s blandly beautiful and she’s got a sob story.  

VFTW POTENTIAL?  Practically none.  She’s a plant, she’s too good, and if she sings Mariah-Whitney-Celine in the Finals she’s officially VFTW blacklisted.


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VFTW Stars -- These are the VFTW Contenders that could’ve been... if they had previous Record Label connections, blonde hair and got into the Finals.


-- Sparkly Hat Shannon, the Burper--  She’s a Grade A Burper.  It’s all in the diaphragm.  She’s also a Meat Handler.  And the 12 year old boy humorist in me loves that about her.  And she’s actually got a decent sob story -- no Baby Mama drama or drug addict dad.  Just a miserable past, present and future working in the family butcher shop.  Shannon’s singing was loud and strange, but I enjoyed it.  If she mixed a belch or two into her song she would’ve gone to the top of my list.


-- Ghaleb, a Gypsy Kings wanna-be who has a Sideshow Bob Fro and thick Argentinian accent.  He sings a Mark Anthony song with a husky croak of a voice.  Also he kisses all the dudes, including Seacrest.  This guy was pretty awesome.  I’m glad he got a Gold Ticket, but sadly we know that the Ghaleb train stops running after tonight.


-- Big Girls - Corless and Brittany.  Corless is the jazzy one.  She’s a good singer but has an unpleasant voice.  Brittany is the Soul Singer with a good voice.  Both are pretty remarkable singers for 20 years old.  Not great, but you know they will get better.  It’s a rare Idol occurrence when they spend 20 minutes with loveable goofballs who turn out to be good singers.  Sadly no more is heard from these Soul Sisters in the Finals.


-- Guy with Gold Ticket who flies through the air and takes out his girlfriend.  I love that guy.  They showed him knocking out his girlfriend twice, it was that epic a flying tackle.  Hope he made it to the Finals where he can do some serious damage.

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Other Worst Notables


-- Suzanne the Blonde Baby’s Mama who sings well, and gets a gold ticket because she’s blonde.  Suzanne says that Idol “Is a great opportunity for people in her position.”  Yeah,  but it’s an even better opportunity if you have former Record Label Connections, worked with Randy Jackson before and won Junior Idol Contests.  Otherwise you are Suzanne, who we will never hear from again.


-- Zamfir Master of the Pan Flute--  It’s good to see you still rocking the Peruvian Flute Music Zamfir, my man.


--Julie The Spazz -- A former kiddie singing TV show star who sucks at being a teenager.  Actually she’s not half bad but Simon was feeling bitchy and wanted to make an example out of her to show that SEE not everyone with former Entertainment Biz connections makes it through to the Finals.  What, she wasn’t blonde enough for you Simon?  New Rule on American Idol auditions... STOP SINGING JANIS JOPLIN.  It is bad.  Don’t do it.  I love how Paula repeats her catchphrase for this season: “No one’s ever said 'no' to her before.”  Just like Paula’s never said 'no' to an Oxycontin and Scotch cocktail before.  


-- "Greatest Entrance Ever" Guy sucks giant donkey balls and wasn’t the least bit funny.  Who else saw that coming?

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Is the Bad Singing Show Marathon over yet?  Still, we’ll always have our Paula in Omaha together.


--Chan


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gchicken
Posted: 1/30/2008 at 8:12 PM Reply with quote

I think it's quite possible that Guy with Gold Ticket who takes out "girlfriend" is none other than Zitboy of last season, Matt Sato.
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magooish
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 1:55 AM Reply with quote
Magoo, you've done it again! Location: Cartoon land

Chan, you called it.

What the Fuck is up with the Janis Joplin music?

@$%%%*^$^*&;*$&;$^*&;@@^!!!!

Seriously, Janis was a one time phenomenon. It's like someone singing Jimmy Hendrix. " 'scuse me while I kiss the sky! da da da, da da da, da da da dum"

No one can replicate those singers. Why? Because they were not American Idols. They were anti idols. And those of us who lived through those wonderful acid filled woodstock years do not want to hear anyone else sing our sacred songs.

So stop it bitches. We hate you for Idolizing our idols.

Magooish

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thefunnystone
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 5:22 AM Reply with quote
Administrator

It's true. That's gay zit boy Matt Sato.
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runuts251
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 6:02 AM Reply with quote

Someone please explain to me what is up with the Whitney, Celine, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, and Janis Joplin songs!! I honestly do not understand. Why do all the idiot contestants insist upon singing songs by those people? There a gazillion songs out there to choose from. I know it has to be approved, blah, blah but you can't seriously tell me that those are the only artists with approved songs. Am I missing something?
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Professor Chan
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 6:37 AM Reply with quote
Location: Van Nuys

<p>Not being a young girl of a specific age I seriously can't understand the Mariah/Celine fascination.  They take vapid, disposable songs and do all sorts of vocal gymnastics and trills and turn the song into an emotionless voice work-out.  They got recognized for being able to sing really high, so now all little girls want to be them, imitate them down to outfits, dance moves and hand gestures.</p><p> </p><p>I liken it to Kenny G -- Sure the guy got really good at playing high notes, and he plays really fast.  But he plays fruity songs that are only palatable to the senior citizens who buy his albums, and people who have never heard real jazz.  No saxophone player ever wanted to imitate him though, because he's a wanker and I like to think that saxophone players are too cool for that.  </p><p> Just like I'm sure if these same girls heard real singers they would have a different favorite to imitate.  </p><p> </p><p>Janis Joplin was never a great singer.  She just sang the crap out of every song and put her bleeding heart and soul into every performance.  This is probably to her detriment because after a couple years of heart-rending screeching her voice blew out, and then it got really painful to hear her.   I like Janis Joplin and really admire her passion, but as a word of caution to all little girl singers in America: DO NOT TRY TO IMITATE HER.  EVER. </p><p>My point is that the people that audition for Idol haven't put in the years of practice and lessons and performing that it takes to become a really great singer.  And by then you would be experienced enough to realize there are better performers/singers than Whitney-Mariah-Celine.</p><p> --Chan</p>
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magooish
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 7:58 AM Reply with quote
Magoo, you've done it again! Location: Cartoon land

"Janis Joplin was never a great singer. She just sang the crap out of every song and put her bleeding heart and soul into every performance. This is probably to her detriment because after a couple years of heart-rending screeching her voice blew out, and then it got really painful to hear her. I like Janis Joplin and really admire her passion, but as a word of caution to all little girl singers in America: DO NOT TRY TO IMITATE HER. EVER. "

Chan, you are right, Janis was not a good singer. But she was one hell of a performer, and she felt every note she sang, even when she was flying as high as Paula.

Stevie Nicks has suffered from this same issue, she's blown her voice and now can't really sing anymore. But her whole persona is about mystery and charisma and a little witch magic. I may not love her music anymore, but I do like her old stuff. It's good nostalgia.

So hopefully they will not trot out a million versions of "Landslide" or " White winged Dove" for the next shitfest. Hopefully she's retained the rights to her music. Janice on the other hand is crying in heaven knowing her music is being sung by American Idol wannabees.

Magooish

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ae.hunt
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 9:41 AM Reply with quote
Location: Fairfax, Virginia

Never ever in all of my years of playing the saxophone did I ever want to play like, look like, be like, or sound like Kenny G. Afterall, Kenny G. is to Jazz what the Olive Garden is to Italian food.
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JesusBinCastro
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 11:45 AM Reply with quote
Location: paradise

Chan: who would you put on the better than Celine/Mariah/Whitney list?

It's a sincere question - I'm interested to know your list. Then we can start comparing lists.
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jawajedi
Posted: 1/31/2008 at 4:03 PM Reply with quote
Will ideate for food Location: Golden Arches

runuts251

Aren't the auditioners given a short list of songs to choose from? That would make sense from the standpoint of music license clearance, etc. Perhaps they have a featured song for each audition city. I remember when they would wear out Edwin McCain songs.

Didn't someone tell us that, through the magic of editing, the broadcast showed them performing a particular song in front of the judges, yet they NEVER sang that song in front of them?

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runuts251
Posted: 2/1/2008 at 4:31 AM Reply with quote

I am not sure. I thought they had to choose between certain ones for the Hollywood rounds but not the auditions. I thought they couls sing waht they wanted for that? Oh well, who cares. They all pretty much suck ass anyway!
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