Atlanta Auditions- Obvious Worsters Represent!

The Atlanta auditions are lame, but at least we get to see some more of the girls who make up our top 24. Not that I care that much. But it helps get the VFTW engines ready. Now that we know Amanda Overmyer is a fashion disaster, Asia’h Epperson has the best sob story ever on the show, and well, Alexandrea Lushington does nothing interesting, we have more to work with.

Our first singer of the night is Joshua Jones who does creepy things with his eyes. Simon calls his eyes slightly demonic, and no matter how hard Joshua tries, he can’t stop. Thus, the judges make him sing with his back toward them. Simon comments that they should have made Clay Aiken sing backwards, though I highly doubt that would have prevented the jazz hands. Paula and Randy say yes, but Simon says no because he’s too “karaoke.” If he had blonde hair and big boobs, I’m sure he would have gotten an enthusiastic yes from Simon. Overcompensating for masked homosexuality is a hard job.

J.P. Tjemeland tried out during season 4, and he’s back. The only interesting thing about him is that Carrie Underwood was 2 people behind him in line during his first audition, so he wishes he had talked to her. Because every guy wants an anorexic, robotic girlfriend with no personality. People tell him all the time that he’ll be famous, but his rendition of “Me and My Gang” isn’t going to help matters. In the Stupidest Excuses Ever on Idol category, J.P. says he really wants this because he doesn’t want to have to go through 4 whole years of school (fun tidbit: even tone deaf people can be singing majors if you cough up the cash). Poor you, you have such a hard life, J.P. If only you had hit it off with Carrie Underwood. You’re about as boring as she is, so I could see it.

A girl who actually does have it rough is Asia’h Epperson. Usually I make fun of the contestants’ sob stories, but the girl’s dad died literally 2 days prior to her audition. That sucks hard. Not that I’ll go any easier on her, because all fame whores deserve the same amount of criticism, but I do feel for her and her family. You really can’t beat that sob story, it’s guaranteed to get her votes on the show as well, as sick as that sounds. She sings “How Do I Live”, but her voice is way too raspy and has a lot of crackle to it. It’s incredibly breathy. I mean, sure, at least she’s not a screechy diva, but she’s really not all that talented. I’d say mediocre, but better than most of the Interchangable Blonde Whores. The judges pass her on to Hollywood and Paula starts to cry. Asia’h’s dad was supposed to bring Paula her Vicodin prescription. What is she going to do now?

Well, she can listen to the next Interchangeable Blonde Whore. This one is even more interchangeable and whorish than normal. Her name is Brooke Helvie and she is Miss South Florida Fair. She is by far the most VFTW female so far, which of course means she will not make it to the voting rounds. She was kicked by a cow, says she wants to “doo doo American Idol”, thinks Simon is a loveable teddy bear, and says more unintelligent things than Kellie Pickler (though she’s real and Pickler’s fake). Brooke is out to prove that pageant girls can sing, and honestly, she’s not half bad. Generic but competent. All 3 judges say yes, so she freaks out and screams before hugging the judges. Simon calls her “the most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life.” I call her Too Bad She Didn’t Make the Voting.

We are then treated to the lame montage du jour, a bunch of singers doing Fergie’s Glamorous. And even though Fergie sounds terrible on the song and could be outsung by William Hung, the singers still butcher the song. Then to add insult to injury and show that American Idol is still racist against Asians, they end the montage with an Asian girl singing “gramerous, ooh the frossy frossy.” Asian Americans, seriously. Do not even step foot near an Idol audition. Why do you let them do this to you? Seriously. It’s as if Idol stopped making fun of the gays this year and gave them a pass so they could mock the Asians more. Lame.

Eva Miller will give the judges a smackdown for us though. She says she has a special edge and something that draws people to her. She also thinks Simon is hot. She is also legally blind. Her version of “A Thousand Miles” is pretty terrible, but funny, though not funny when she fakes slipping on a piece of paper. Simon gets mad because this is all an act, which I do think it is as well, but Eva denies it. I do like her though. My guess is that she’s laughing it up about the audition later that day. She is floored that the judges tell her she has a bad voice and then hugs Simon because she still loves him for some reason. Though in the hallway, she rips up her audition number like a good Worster. Nice ending, Eva.

Next up is some grandmother. No wait, it’s Alexandrea Lushington. But you wouldn’t know because we learn nothing about her and never hear her speak, we just see her grandma talk a lot. Alexandrea sings “My Funny Valentine”. Whatever, her grandma is still talking. This one is cannon fodder to the extreme. She’s boring and all we know about her is that she has a funny grandma who isn’t even that funny. Maybe we’ll learn more about her in Hollywood. Probably not though.

In a montage of nerds, we get to see Chris Sligh’s brother Jon. Jon is awesome. Too bad he didn’t make it. Sorry, buddy. You had to be too obvious of a Worster. "Hi, Deb" wouldn't have been too far behind.

If the kids out there are looking for a role model, look no further than Nathan Hite. He is a 16 year old 9th grade repeater with a bad sense of humor. He sings “Paralyzer”, but not really because he barely knows the words. Simon calls it a bedroom audition and Nathan asks if Simon writes this stuff down. Simon asks if Nathan is going to be a smart ass or listen, making Nathan suddenly back down. And it’s sad because Nathan goes down in flames from here on out, letting out nothing but unfunny jokes that barely have punchlines. Oh well. Though he does get one good zinger on the way out, saying that Simon called it a bedroom audition because “I refused to spoon with him so he didn’t let me through.” Not too shabby. Work on your material though, Nathan. It takes hard work to be as funny as Dave’s False Idols. Also, it helps if you drink heavily before watching the show (though since you are 16, I recommend just hitting yourself in the head a few times for the dizzy effect). The funny colors inspire me. That and Paula’s overly Botoxed face. They’re classic.

Amanda Overmeyer is “the rock and roll nurse.” Why? She sings rock and rides a motorcycle, but she’s a nurse. And now she’s at a crossroads in her life, should she be a “rock and roll nurse” or a “nurse rock and roller”? It’s a tough call, Amanda. Because she’s the “rock and roll nurse”, she sings Janis Joplin.  She twitches a lot when she sings, either from the “rock and roll” or from the pills she popped before her audition (a la Paula) because she’s a “nurse.” Paula then realizes that she can have a supplier in the top 24 and immediately says yes, masking her drug induced excitement with compliments about Amanda being “authentic and real.”  Randy then calls Amanda “the rock and roll nurse” about 5 more times. Will the “rock and roll nurse” be able to bring her “rock and roll nurse” personality to Hollywood? Of course. And since she’s in the top 24, she might want to consider changing “rock and roll nurse” to “VFTW leather nurse” a la Jennifer Hudson. Hey, Boomie won an Oscar after we supported her. Pander to VFTW. Big things happen, baby.

Last but not least, obvious Worster Josiah Leming is up (his MySpace had some of our chops on it. Hi, Josiah!). He’s an 18 year old from Moorestown, TN who dropped out of school to live in his car and drive around to play shows. He actually enjoys it, and his family has no idea he’s on his own. Josiah tells Simon that he can win because he has more ambition and motivation than any 18 year old. I think he can win because he seems to be someone who would love our website and pander to us. Hear that, Amanda? Josiah is trying. Why don’t you try? Josiah then lets loose with an original called “To Run”. His voice is kind of strange because it’s slightly British and he has an overwhelming vibrato that needs a little control. But overall, it’s a good voice. The goat vibrato just needs a little fine tuning (or not, since we love to vote for the goat). He’s one of the only heartfelt performers in the bunch though, meaning he has no shot at the top 24 (dammit!). And from what I’ve heard, people in Hollywood were pissed when Josiah was cut, saying he was one of the best males there. After he gets his gold ticket, he jumps around outside and goes home… to his car. Hopefully he’s not living in his car anymore, that really can’t be all that hygienic. But good audition overall.

Tomorrow we get to see the best of the rest of the auditions with one person that I can’t wait for: Danny Noriega. He’s got to be the gayest thing to ever try out for the show, and his over the top personality is perfect for VFTW. Danny, I am cheering for you. Please don’t let VFTW down. You can dress in drag for your top 24 performance. Or do a Britney Spears song. Or Lil’ Mama. I can’t wait to see how this goes tomorrow. It almost makes up for losing Josiah.